taking a child to visit dad in prison

[gameofthornes]

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit.

I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old.

AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

Hi op, I have a dd who is 8. I think that by 8 kids are often old enough to be part of the conversation - I wonder if there is a way to scope out what the child in question thinks?

Whilst I have no direct experience here, I did have a very chaotic childhood where I saw a lot of stuff that I shouldn’t. My inclination here would be to very led by GC and his mum - unless they strongly feel that they want him to visit, I’d be looking to shield them from it. I agree that lots of things are better to show to kids rather than leaving it to their imagination, but I’m not sure these circumstances warrant that. Good luck - I hope GC is okay in all of this.

Is one of them his ex?

Sounds like the only sticking point is that DSS doesn’t want you having any contact with his son. So you’re right, you shouldn’t be driving them, it’s too much on top of an already emotionally charged situation. If the child’s mum is ok with your DH taking his GC to visit his father, then the visit should happen but he needs to find a different way to get there. Maybe child’s mum could drop off and pick up. Maybe public transport ot taxi. Maybe another relative.

Bio mum has respected her ex's decision that while me and DH are together then the child is not allowed to see his grandfather

Still??
Does the child get to see you or the grandfather now? or will it only be if you take the child to prison that you get to see him?

It’s a hard one but if the mum is ok with yous taking him and he wants to go I think you should consider it. I visited my brother in prison and it wasn’t anything like I had thought it would be. Was actually in a lovely room with bright colours and comfy seats, there was also a child’s area with toys and books and stuff. I had expected metal chairs, grey walls and glass dividers like you see in the films, really wasn’t anything at all like that. Obviously you would need to prep him before hand with the security you need to go through metal detectors, sometimes dogs etc but other than that it’s not particularly different than any other big hall.

What benefit would visiting his sporadically involved sex offender father do for an 8yr old boy?

You lot should be doing anything and everything possible to keep him away from the scummy sperm donor.

Your stepson doesn't want you near his child so I would tell your husband you are respecting his wishes by not driving them there.

Your husband does realise his son is likely a sociopath who feels very little for any humans in his life and values them only for what he can get out of them right?
He is trying to manipulate people available to him because he's lost some control and this is all a game to him, if he manages to get your husband to visit with the poor boy he will ramp it up more and start asking for money and more access.

Cut the waste of skin off for everyone's sake, get your husband into some therapy.

You wouldent get away with it now.
My mum was a big woman 22 stone in the vo plus letter she received from the prison said bet you cant smuggle a carrot in well my mum did do it that carrot was between her boobs.
Just like to add.
She did lose weigh and got to12 stone that was a bet as well.

I would take him. It's good for him to have regular contact with dad. Abandonment is harmful to kids. If he chooses not to go after the first visit, that's up to him.

I work in a mens prison and have actually been in visits for rhe last couple of months.

Firstly anyone named on the visiting order needs to be cleared to visit. They also Need to have ID and such like to get in. It's not a case of him popping along and taking the child. Secondly are there any social services or public protection issues around the child seeing its father. So many variables here

All that aside there are alot of misconceptions on this thread. To be honest until I worked there I would have agreed. However children are incredibly adaptable and take so much in their stride. I see lots of adults getting emotional and upset at visits. Kids actually very rarely. The staff are friendly and will make every effort to make visitors and children welcome. To be kind compassionate and friendly. We have told children they have to leave as 'daddy / grandad / uncle etc) has to go back to work now. We don't want people to be upset
We don't want the men to be distressed and go back to their cells an emotional wreck.

That said I believe in this case it would be wrong to take a child in explicitly against the wishes of its mother.

A crumbling victorian prison and high security.... hahaha.. more likely to have issues with poor security believe me

Disclaimer... I work in the long term and high security estate (think Cat A) also worked in a cat b local and a lifers prison

DSS - Darling? A rapist?????????

He only sees the child sporadically depending on whether he has girlfriends or not.
A 'man' like this would probably allow the visits when he's bored in jail and the son will get excited when he's due to be released and then the dad won't bother with him again.

only because there are lots of abbreviations and i get confused what means what.. mum is mum of child, ex to step son but it is a complicated situation as her mum is for some unexplainable reason still involved with step son (prior to being in prison, gave him cash for cigarettes, would drive him and his current gf about and generally think the sun shone out of his a-hole even though he constantly cheated on her daugther)

No. Visiting someone in prison is absolutely grim. It will traumatise the poor kid

He already doesn't have regular contact so why start now?

Surely there are some parents who kids should be protected from?

i though DSS meant Dear Step Son... thought it was an abbreviation known to mean step son? i get confused with some of the abbreviations. although he is neither darling or dear to me

Depends what his dad is like. Mine added nothing positive to my life!

And he’s your D SS??? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I wouldn’t knowingly take any child near someone who is guilty of sexual offences towards women.

@golf7 yeah well I guess that's part of the problem!
In my job I often have to visit parents who are in prison, and less commonly I've taken children on prison visits. They really vary in terms of facilities and the experience at the gate/moving round the facility. Womens prisons usually have better set ups and more support for families.

It can also depend on who is on shift I think, one I used to go to regularly could mean anything from a quick glance at my ID to a full pat down & sniffer dog.

I would keep out of it. He's in prison for sex offences. He doesn't deserve to see his son.

No I would stay out of it. This is not your circus. Dh can take a taxi there if he wants. Just don't even entertain it.

To be honest i am trying too.

We normally have a family group chat, and i've had to ask DH to start a new one with anyone who wishes to discuss the prison situation because i don't want to be involved.

I have removed DH's family members off my social media because they are now posting about their poor vulnerable GC/Nephew/Cousin blah blah and how he has been wrongly incarcerated!

DH asked for my opinion on the subject and i just wanted to know what others thought as i am now the evil step mother once again because i think SS deserves everything he got.

I do understand the position DH is in. He is disgusted by his sons behaviour, he is wrecked with guilt that he himself was a poor father and could have done better and he fully supports the sentance, but its also his son, and until you are in such a position you simply can't understand how he feels about it all. He desperately wants a relationship with his GC as do i, but i feel we are being used and that as soon as SS walks free, then GC will be once again ripped away from us.

If the dc had a relationship with his df before he went to prison, it's generally in the best interests of the child to maintain some contact. But it isn't clear whether his dm will allow it? Or that the dc wants to go?

You can get support to prepare him for what will happen on a visit.

The visit would be for the child's benefit, not for your dss'.

Honestly this sounds very cold but I would think of it from this perspective. That child isn't your GC, that family isn't your family. They clearly do not like you so the word 'family' here doesn't apply. So if you are not family to them why are you letting a stranger's situation occupy your headspace. That GC will grow up never even considering you as a Grandparent so why invest anything into that situation?
I get that you want to support your dh but you can also choose to not get involved. If he wants to facilitate it then he does so off his own accord. Don't get dragged into something that you will get NO thanks for ever.

Some prisons do family days. I worked at one in a prison entirely for male sex offenders. It was in a colourful room with lots of prisoners and their kids and they basically just had a normal kids party with entertainment etc. Does the prison offer anything like that? It felt pretty chilled and the kids were having a good time. They did get patted down at the end though and let out through many locked doors etc so that could be stressful for some children.

I do agree you shouldn't have to facilitate this but wonder if something like that would be more suitable for this child.