taking a child to visit dad in prison

[gameofthornes]

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit.

I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old.

AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

There is no planet in which I would take a young child to prison to visit his rapist father. He's better off without him.

Why is the other DSS ?his brother?) Not facilitating this?

Personally I would say no to this for the GC sake. Eight year olds do know what is going on.

If the child has no relationship with his grandfather I don’t think his grandfather should be taking him to see his dad in prison. It may be emotionally difficult for the child, he may see or hear things that make him feel anxious or confused, he may find it hard seeing his dad knowing he is in prison. He needs to be supported by somebody who knows him well and can help him manage and process his feelings, he shouldn’t be going with someone he doesn’t really know I don’t think that is in his best interests.

FFS. There sounds like there are far too
many adults arguing and not considering the real issue here.

What does the 8 year old want?

The rest of you adults can fight among yourselves as much as you like but there is a child’s mental heath and welfare at stake here.

Perhaps the mum has a really good reason she doesn’t want her child seeing his father. You need to speak to her and let her know you want to work with her, not against her.

I put YABU until I read about the sexual offences and changed to YANBU.
Despite you not being allowed to have access to the grandchild, I think you have to respect the mother’s wishes and not facilitate this. Your DH (and you, if you’re fussed about seeing the child) would be sacrificing the child’s wellbeing to serve his own desire to build a relationship. You would be better trying to build a relationship via the mother. Hopefully the father is in prison long enough that this can happen.

Can't his brother (the other DSS take him). It's up to your DH. I'd want to know my GC, so would put conditions in place that contact happens first and will be continued. This is a lot for a child to deal with, both parents are failing this child. You don't have to get involved. Your DH has an opportunity to meet his grandchild, I wouldn't pass that up tbh.

For those saying that prisons are well set up for childrens visits, it varies hugely. A modern, low security prison can feel like walking into a college campus; a crumbling Victorian prison with high security? No chance.

Whether or not the child should go depends on whether there's a good relationship that is worth maintaining. If dad hasn't been around for the kid before prison then prison isn't a good setting to try and rebuild. Either way it shouldn't be your husband facilitating, it should be someone who the child knows and feels safe with.

I used to work in a prison visiting centre, its really not bad. If he wants to go you should let him. Also it will benefit the person who is inside.
But obviously that's without knowing all the circumstances.

No.

I hope your DSS is in prison for a long time tbh and given that I would be doing my best to facilitate a relationship between your DH and his GC via the mum.

Is mum OK with the prison visit? Because if she isn't then it's a non starter anyway.

Also she won't be receiving any maintenance - it might be a nice gesture to send her a few quid in the absence of your useless DSS.

I agree with PP that DSS is dangling the carrot of visits with GC in front of your DH so he will do what he wants.

I would be thinking long term about what's best for GC and tbh a relationship with a dad as vile as DSS is unlikely to be that. I noted that his contact before this was sporadic and depended on his relationship status (I.e. playing the doting dad when he has a GF).

you havent said how long the DSS is in for ?

if hes in a few months then nope,

years - absolutely not let the useless father rot away out of his life

I would be the same as you OP, I would not facilitate this - at all.

Poor kid caught up in this shite because his father is a rapist.
What woman would want to foster the relationship between son and rapist? Especially whilst they are banged up, presumably in a CAT A for violent offenders.
Is this really about your husband seeing his grandson or are there ulterior motives? Making the connection again so it's easier to ask for favours for example?
It very much sounds like he is still in control of his gf/ex gf from inside his prison cell, highly manipulative.
I fear for this child. He may well end up with a very skewed view of parenting, relationships and love.
Having said all that @gameofthornes none of that is yours, or your husbands, to fix.
I would not be driving or offering support.
(Personally I don't think I could support anyone who was supporting a rapist)

It has nothing to do with you.
The child's mother has said the GC can go but she won't bring him.
Does the child want to go?
Perhaps your husband sees this as a way of having a relationship with his GC? He may be misguided but perhaps he could set some boundaries before making any visit if that's what he chooses to do.

No. I wouldn't approve of a child visiting a prison.

I work in a prison and have mixed feelings about children coming in, as I always feel sad for all of them since it must be a scary/strange experience. However, we know that maintaining those relationships is good for so many reasons including reducing reoffending and keeping the bond between parent and child.

Our prison has made the visiting area nice for kids - books, toys, a play area, colourful murals on the wall etc.

How long will he not see his child for? To be honest I think it is probably in the best interests of the child to see his Dad, however scary- to know Daddy still loves him and wants to see him. You don't know what might go on in his little mind otherwise.

Also have you heard of Storybook Dads- a service where dads (and mums) in prison can record stories for their children to listen to?

As an aside, don't they do video calls so that prisoners can see their children without the poor kids having to go into prison? Surely that would be a much better solution.

Hi OP, how long is he in prison for? When dd was little I took her to prison to visit her dad (similar offences unfortunately) until she was about 4 when he was released. I took her because as much as it pained me I didn't want to deprive her of a relationship with her father for that long. It's a horrible situation all round and it was different for me because she was so young that she didn't really understand what was happening. I can tell you more about my experiences if it would help you at all?

If the mum has agreed to visits but won't take him-is she hoping that no one will iyswim?

Can't imagine why she would even agree to visits tbh.

I'd be wanting to disappear with my son!

Also she agrees that her son can't see her GF because of Op.

Is that just for an easy life?

Is she scared of her ex?

Are you aware they'd search the child on his way in? Not sure everyone is opening this with children

100% nope from me a) because of him being aside for sexual offences against women and b) as it's against the wishes of the resident parent.
Most people on here have probably never set foot inside a prison and don't actually really that prison visits are not quite like those seen on TV dramas and prison staff make a lot of effort to make it an okay environment for families visiting.

But, given the circumstances you've delineated, fuck no...

Well she sounds pretty petty unless there is a good reason stopping a child from having a relationship with grandparents is awful!

As a defence solicitor who has been to many prisons of varied categories, they are not a place for children. Whilst there may be a pretty section in the visits hall where the staff try hard to make it look family friendly, the booking in process and the general feel of entering a prison is not.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is searched, prisons feel forboding, as well they should, and it’s just a very unpleasant environment all round.
How long is he in for? Could they exchange letters or have telephone calls instead?

You keep referring to her as ‘bio-mum’ this usually means biological mother is this a mistake or is there a reason for this. Is the child not in her care?

I’m asking…😂

Why a carrot?

edit

Well she sounds pretty petty unless there is a good reason stopping a child from having a relationship with grandparents is awful!

It's his father who stopped the relationship.

Many spouses go along with such wishes.