taking a child to visit dad in prison

[gameofthornes]

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit.

I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old.

AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

My ex-H is a prison officer. It is a grim place for children no matter how you dress it up.

Sexual offenses against women? Not a fucking chance. I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than facilitate a child seeing their rapist father, especially against the mothers wishes.
Were the offences against the childs mother?

However, in reality it's not that straight forward. Why shouldn't a child see their parent because they are in prison, when the prisons have it set up really well to facilitate this.

Find out about the prison because most have a good set up for family visits. It’ll help DSS reintegrate if he sees his DS- I believe there’s research that supports this. Additionally, the GC is likely to be worried about how his father is. Visiting will both reassure him that his father is ok and also stop him fantasising that he wants to be like his dad and go to prison too, which some boys really grow up believing

DSS is making these requests via another DSS.

As i am sure you can understand its a difficult situation, i personally want nothing to do with DSS, as far as i am concerned he can rot in hell. DH has outlined the request to me asking me what my thoughts were.

DH while disgusted by his DS's actions, still feels he should 'be there' for his DS!

Absolutely not. I would never, ever facilitate a child visiting a sex offender, whether the offender is their parent or not. I would refuse to have any part in it, and you should, too.

I would be telling your husband the subject is closed.

YABU because it's nothing to do with you.

@JaydeeeeP because it's never ever in a child's best interests to have to be around a sex offender.
I couldn't even look at a man who wanted to do this to his grandson.

This sounds like a very complex situation, and frankly, DSS sounds manipulative and very unpleasant.

He knows you are probably eager to have contact with his child, and he knows the mother of that child is refusing to have anything to do with prison visits.

I think you need to realise the DSS is trying to play you. He is basically trying to get you to force something on the mother of his child.

Back wayyy off, and do not let yourselves be manipulated.

While the DSS is in prison, try to establish contact and communication with the mother, and explicitly promise her you will do or say nothing that she might have an objection to. Ask if there is any support she needs, including financial support.

i can confirm not against bio-mum

If you and DH have not met your GC before, you should not be the ones taking him to see his dad in prison. If there is no one with a good relationship with the GC who is prepared to facilitate the visit, it’s probably best that the GC doesn’t go. And if DSS doesn’t have any friends or family who have a good relationship with his child, his child is probably better off with as little contact with him as possible as that’s a pretty good sign that he is a terrible father (even apart from his crimes).

I could see why your DH might want to though - an opportunity for him to see his GC. It might feel hard to step back from that.

Absolutely not considering the crime.

He's being played.

The carrot DSS is holding out is the chance to see the grandson.

DSS no doubt has his own reasons to want to force the mother of his child to let him get away with this.

Don't let your H get suckered into this.

Hi OP. I was this child.

I absolutely hated going into prison, seeing my dad black and blue after another fight, I would hide under the bed when my grandparents came to pick me up to take him. My mum hated me going but she didn't want to be accused of not letting me see my dad.

I wouldn't listen to anyone here unless they have been that child too as they wouldn't understand.

Some children may be fine with it of course. I really believe it needs to be child led and NOT about what either of the parents want.

It's completely up to your DH and the child's mum though.

He's asked you to drive him and you're completely within your rights to refuse.

The rest is up to him to sort out.

Correct. I have said this in the thread. The poster didn't say that though, they said children shouldn't visit people in prison. Why shouldn't they? A sec offender yes of course they shouldn't. But why not a man who didn't pay his taxes or someone who drove without insurance or someone who stole to feed their family?

I think it's an awful lot to expect an 8 year old to go with one/two people he doesn't know (has never met?) to visit his dad (who he may not have seen in quite a while) in prison (where he's never been before and doesn't know what to expect). I think if your husband does decide to facilitate the visit, then he should meet the grandson for a couple of shorter visits first because the kid is going to need to feel supported if he does visit his dad.

Why can't the other DSS, the child's uncle take him in?

Cross posting, this was what I was trying to say! Completely agree

DSS is extremely manipulative and sounds like a sociopath.

Your H needs to give his head a wobble.

DSS wants to use him to punish or control the child's mother even from prison and establish who is the boss in his family.

@gameofthornes what make the stepson think that his ex is just going to hand over her son to a stranger who has never met the child? I would not be taking a child anywhere near to a prison, whatever the relative is inside for!

NO!

i do agree that under certain circumstances there is no reason why a child cannot visit their parent while in prison. i should have mentioned the 'reason' to begin with.

Its a nightmare! and i didn't want my DH judging for supporting his DS. I do not agree with the whole situation but here we are.

Prison is no place for a child.

Well if you're not allowed to see the GC, you can't possibly drive them there can you?

Tell DH to say no to his vile son.Prison is no place for a child.

So DSS has refused to let his DF see his GC because of you.

But now what's said DF to take said GC to visit him in prison after being convicted of sexual offences.

He's got more front than Brighton seafront hasn't he?!

Personally though if GC mum will allow him to visit (I'm guessing she will let GC see his grandad when DSS says he can?) then you can just make it clear you aren't getting involved in any of this sorry state of affairs.