To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

I think it’s vital for those left behind to feel supported. It’s incredibly healing IME….But I’m Irish…..

The funeral is for the grieving people. There’s a reason why every human civilisation for all of time had had death rituals.

My uncles dad doesn't want a funeral, apparently he's going to be cremated and the ashes just get delivered to my uncle.

My uncle is upset about it and I can understand why, it seems so transactional.

Personally, I think it's realyl important to have some kind of event as an opportunity for people to say goodbye and to grieve together. but it doesn't have to be at a church or crematorium or whatever. Request that all the "business end" is done separately and that your loved ones gather at the pub - fine if that's your preference.

I think it sounds fine when you are alive and healthy .but not so good on those left to grieve .

My family is small, DD, my parents and DBro we generally keep to ourselves and not religious, we all agree funerals would be wasted on us and would rather do a quiet thing together. DD is autistic, DDad and DBro are also very likely autistic although all on the lower support needs end so even an event in a pub is likely to be too much. We are all quite frugal and the thought of £££ being spent on flowers when it could be used supporting on DD etc is unthinkable.

I have a direct cremation paid up with CoOp so it shouldn't cause anyone unnecessary stress. DD and my parents know I'm an organ donor, and where I'd like to be scattered. DD and I regularly go to the theatre and sit in the same space so if she wanted to make a donation for a plaque on a seat so she can sit there that's another option.

I guess if you have a big family, part of a large community then things would be different.

True, as my 92 year old Irish dad keeps saying, "Life is for the living"

So I'd be inclined to go along with whatever my family wanted, as they'd be the important ones at that point.

It's not like I'm going to benefit either way 🤷‍♂️

Yep as others have said, it’s not about you! It’s about those who have lost you.

many people are still struggling with not being able to hold proper funerals in lockdown, and not being able to grieve together properly. The formality and ritual can really help close some of the pain.

Also while lots of people say they want a party atmosphere, in reality that only happens when someone has died very old after a long illness and there’s a relief it’s over. I have been to post funeral events similar to what you want, but in reality the enforced jollity trying to create the atmosphere the dead person wanted, is an extra burden on the grieving. It’s actually cruel to tell people grieving they aren’t allowed to be properly sad and miserable.

I will not be having a funeral , neither will DP we have our own belief system we have devised and part of that is we do not have funerals in our family

I had a close friend of 20+ years die in horrid circumstances and his family had a small funeral and none of us (friends) were invited.

It's the weirdest feeling as I keep forgetting he's dead. It's like I've been denied saying goodbye, I feel bad like he will think we didn't care, we had a pub gathering we've all spoken lots and all feel the same.

It made me realise the funeral if for the living and the closure it gives us.

I was very much I don't want a funeral most of my life and this has changed my mind.

My mum had a funeral policy and paid about 25 pounds a month into it. And it provided about 5 and a 1/2 grand which covered a very decent cremation ceremony and cars.

Something to consider

It’s a tricky one OP. Yes @Singleandproud we are the same likely only our DS at either mine or DH’s funeral and whoever survives the other of course. If you have a lot of family and friends they may feel upset at the lack of a funeral. Small families not so much? We are considering the direct cremation route. I used to think about the music, flowers and such for mine. My late DM had left instructions for her funeral and we did what she asked. However having attended too many funerals in the past few years I have changed my mind about mine and DH couldn’t care less.The other big factor is religion or the lack of it. If you are deeply religious and want a church service fair enough. I have been to a fair few Humanist services at crematoriums. I didn’t even recognise the deceased person from their speeches at times and that includes my late DF! I think they got him mixed up with someone else!

I don’t want a funeral either. Very few people who’d actually be grieving me I think and my children are autistic so wouldn’t want to go through a whole upset or todo that comes with a funeral. I can fully understand funerals are important in many religions and cultures, but there is another side where they simply are unnecessary to some.

I don't think I said I wanted to tell anyone they couldn't be sad. But you can be sad in a comfy seat with a pint just as easily as you can be sad in a crematorium.
That said, I do agree that it isn't 'for me'. And I do know that some people like the organisation of a funeral as it gives them something to focus on.

Surely its each to their own, discuss it with your loved ones and see how they feel, although its fairly common in other countries to cremate and then have a service with the ashes.
As a young widow I can tell you that the funeral was one of the most horrific things ive ever endured, and still gives me flash backs now. I have no idea what my children will remember in future years and if it will just be more traumatic.
One way it was explained to me tho was that the funeral is the movement of our relationship from present to past.

Maybe it's a good idea to clearly write out your preference - and any specifics like whether you absolutely do or don't want a religious element - but don't be overly prescriptive?

IME it's helpful to relatives and friends to have some idea - MiL had said nothing, DH suspected she didn't care at all, so he basically replicated what she'd arranged for FiL, as that was evidently a format she thought appropriate.

Once you're dead does it matter? You won't be alive at your funeral. You won't be alive to care. Let your relatives have it.

The point isn’t whether or not people are sad, but whether they are able to share in the collective mourning, remembering and honouring, Maybe some people can do that over a pint with a jukebox playing, but a lot of people also need the quiet peace of a funeral.

Do what you want OP. People will always be selfish fuckers on this topic, thinking only of themselves. I'll never forgive the people who strong armed me into a funeral for my kid. I won't be caught off guard again, fuckers. For me personally a prepaid arrangement all the way.

Avoid pure cremation though. They're not that cheap really. Your local funeral place will do direct cremations. The ones we use is about 1400 quid.

Only for the wealthy - and it was about status as much as grieving.
The poor were often tossed into mass graves or left to just get on with it.

I want the woks, flowers, horses, weeping and wailing, full mourning clothes.
I will be dead and people SHOULD be bloody sad!

I totally agree OP, and have already told DH I'd like to be disposed of as cheaply as possible and the money saved spent on a meal or get-together for family and friends, and maybe a tree or a bench plaque or something as a memorial / place to visit if he and our DS want that.

This thread prompted me to check my funeral plan. It won't cover all the fees now; they've gone up hugely since the pandemic. I'm going to have to upgrade it. Annoying, I'll have paid enough for two or three funerals if I live much longer!

I don't give a shit what kind of send-off I have and there will be a tiny handful of attendees. I do want it to be minimum hassle for them, though. Thanks for the nudge.

I’m also Irish and the key thing about all funerals I’ve ever been to is the pub.

You don’t need a body to have a memorial or wake or whatever.

The funeral industry is pure exploitation.

You can easily go down the pub and drink to the dead person - you don’t all need to sit staring at a coffin to say goodbye.