To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

I am @BowlOfNoodles@BowlOfNoodles a saggie.

I do love some of the fire songs for crems though. I've laughed and cried at some. I'm having 'bye bye baby'. Goes with my youth.

A saggitarius? I knew it 😂

Yeah exactly! And at least then you can't get randoms, and people from the past turning up. Because people won't know when - and where it is, unless they are close to the family/in the deceased's life when they die.

Slightly different situation, but my cousin had a woman turning up at her WEDDING 20 years ago, who she used to live near some 10-12 years earlier (for about 4 years she lived near her,) and somehow she had got wind of the wedding date from someone. She just turned up at the Church.

I know a Church is a public place, but she was the ONLY one there who was not invited to the wedding! She was dressed up and everything! She followed the people in Church (45-50 people,) off to the village hall 10 minutes walk away for the reception.

She had to be told to leave as she went in with everyone. Cheeky cow. People do this at funerals. Just turn up when they've had fuck-all to do with the person for YEARS.

Nah. Not sure I buy all of this. Sounds like you're trying to put people off Direct Cremations. Are you a Funeral Director by any chance? Anyway.... Still a direct cremation for me (and DH.) The cost - which will be less than any funeral (no matter how you try and make out it's not that cheap,) is nothing to do with it.

As others have said, and as I said earlier, I am not having a funeral because I am not giving randoms, and people who haven't been fucked with me for a decade or more turning up pretending they care, snaffling all the food, and coming out with bullshit faux grief. (As well as mooching about seeing if there's anything they can have, or if they've been left anything in the will.)

I think funerals should be consigned to the past.

I don't want one, either. I don't want people to worry about the expense, and I don't have money to save for it.

This. ^ I don't buy this 'funerals are for the living' trope.

I have been to many funerals including my own parents, and DH's, and plenty of relatives, neighbours, and friends, and they have all been fucking horrible. I would have given ANYTHING to have not gone to my parents funerals. And DH feels the same. (About his.)

We had to arrange them (being the older siblings and having fucking useless siblings who didn't lift a finger to help!) And it was traumatic, from start to finish.

Pre-arranged Direct Cremations would have been so much better for us. They would have helped us deal with the deaths better. I may be projecting a bit, but yep, no funerals for us ta. Direct Cremations only. We don't want our children to go through what we went through.

I think the key is you let your family / friends know what your wishes are - either discuss it if you feel comfortable doing this, leave a letter or include details in your will.

I think it is worse for those left behind if you aren’t sure what the deceased wanted - was it burial or cremation, a church service / open funeral or a direct cremation with a separate memorial event afterwards, and if cremated where should the ashes be scattered or if you absolutely under no circumstances want your coffin to go out to “I did it my way” !

I have found myself in the position of organising several funerals of older relatives in the last 2 - 3 years and it was considerably easier and less stressful for those left behind where instructions were known.

Funerals and wakes are a rip off. Funeral directors try to encourage you to spend more all the time. I want cheap. If direct cremation is good enough for David Bowie it's good enough for me. My DC and my friends know I love them fiercely so I would rather they spend the money on something substantial even if it is a wake or a holiday where they can look back and remember me.

I'm the same with my stuff. I'd like my jewellery to eventually go to a DGD if I ever have one but the rest can just go.

Honestly abit of life insurance will give you piece of mind 🙂

You don’t have to hold a funeral for someone else if you don’t want to. And you won’t be holding your own funeral (or giving food to randoms), so no worries there either.

I've told all my family I don't want a funeral. We've lost 2 family members in the last few years and a funeral is a lot of work for grieving family.

My Dad had a prepaid funeral. He had picked the coffin, arranged for the hearse and limo so no-one had to do anything except sort flowers and some music. He was well known at his local who arranged the wake in the pub so we put money behind the bar.
My siblings had no clue that anything like this had been arranged by Dad until I said there is a file at home which has everything important filed in it which he had told me and DH about. My brother was shocked at how smooth and easy everything was - he phoned the funeral director and it was a case of when do you want the funeral? Sorted!!

My kids have been given instructions to give me a direct cremation and with the money saved for the funeral to take themselves on holiday in my favourite part of the world and scatter my ashes in the sea.

Just wanted to give my experience of a direct cremation which differs rather a lot from a pp.

My dad stipulated DC. He went to a local funeral home. My mum visited as much as she wanted. We were given a date for the cremation. The day before, we visited as a family and spent time with his sealed coffin. Mum had supplied clothes and we all left cards etc to go with him. It was a very special time.

We didn't know the time or place of his cremation the next day. Found out later exactly where it was.

The funeral directors were absolutely brilliant.

I feel really strongly that the most important thing when someone dies is to respect their wishes about what they want to happen. I made sure that I followed my Mum's wishes for her funeral to the letter, although it wasn't what I would have chosen for her. We also made sure that my mother in law had the type of funeral that she wanted earlier this year.

I have very clear wishes for my funeral, including the music I want, the most important of which is that I want to be cremated and my ashes interred in the family plot with my parents. If I die before my husband, I know he will follow my wishes, and, irrespective of what I would like to happen, I will respect his wish to have his ashes scattered in his favourite racecourse. But if he dies first, it really worries me about what will happen to me. My husband and I have no other relatives apart from our daughter and son in law, who are very strict Muslims and who tell me that their faith won't allow them to arrange for a cremation. So either my me or my husband will end up being buried rather than cremated. I'm still trying to find a foolproof way round this, but it really worries me that my wishes in terms of the disposal of my body and the funeral that I want may not be respected.

@Growlybear83 im sorry you worry that you may not get your wishes. All the Muslim people I work with would respect their parents wishes however I believe in law they can override yours.
Don't let it take up too much headspace. When we die we are not here anymore (unless you believe differently). Enjoy your time now.
My late mother was a catholic so no cremation, she changed her mind a couple of weeks before she died and is in an oak box with my father in my study. We are but dust.

i think the funeral ‘industry’ is deeply flawed and many providers are financially motivated hence the ridiculously inflated costs-funeral flowers that the undertaker supplies are a prime example.

I’m very open in talking about death and dying with my kids so they know I have a direct cremation booked but if they want to, they can organise a service or memorial as they see fit but it win’t involve the extortionate costs of a funeral. And I won’t come back to haunt them if they decide not to!

I also don’t like the falseness and fakery that comes with funerals. DH’s adult daughter is estranged and has caused him endless distress over the years. The thought of her pitching up to play a grieving daughter ( which is exactly what she would do) is why he has also chosen direct cremation. If he goes first we’ll have a small private ash scattering gathering as is his wish.

My mum is terminally ill and wants a direct cremation. She also wants me to book a room in a pub for her friends to gather and remember her.
I am autistic and would find the ritual of a funeral far easier than a free flow social occasion, which I never attend in normal life.
I will respect her wishes, but having to socialise when you're struggling with overwhelming grief sounds like torture to me. And I will end up self harming

Both of my parents had a coop funeral policy all paid up. No religion (although as kids we were quite religious) and a humanist celebrant did both of their services.
He was AMAZING. He spoke in length with us, got stories from their childhood, as parents etc
As my DM became older and suffered with illness she became argumentative, short fused, nasty and to be honest it was a nightmare going to see/care for her, thankfully we are 5 siblings living close by.
When he came to speak to us about her funeral, he pulled stories out from us from our childhood, how respected and loved she was , her life her hobbies etc and he brought back to us how she was, WHO she was, not whom she'd become.

I found that so comforting. It allowed me to grieve the DM she was and to have good memories, rather than being resentfull which we were feeling before her death!

Can you just book the room/catering and ask one of your mums fridnds or another family member to do a speech? You don’t need to attend if it’s too much for you.
Conversely, tell your mum that’s what you’ll do but if it’s too much for you when the time comes, you are under no obligation to even organise or attend.
Be kind to yourself.

I didn't know that about Catholics and cremation. Amazing what you learn on this site.

Please don’t do this. When you mother is gone, she is gone. The funeral arrangements are for you and the other people who are grieving. You do not need to let her push you into doing something that will cause you this much harm. If you need a quiet, ordered funeral service, then that’s what you should have. You could also book a room, with refreshments, but you do not have to be there. At the time when you are grieving it is even more important to take care of yourself.

Irish here also , it's the gathering of people to console each other that's the most important. I've been to many funerals unfortunately. For myself I wouldn't want a church service I'm not religious but I do understand that if that's what people want to do I can't control it .

On the cremation thing , it used to be a no no for catholics but is much more common now

@Mrsredlipstick thank you. I think what worries me even more than not being cremated is that I want my remains to be interred in the family plot with my parents. The plot is almost full now, and there is no space for a coffin to be buried - there is just space for cremation remains to be interred at the edge of the plot. So if my daughter won't have me cremated, that also means my remains can't be buried with my parents. I'll just have to hope that I go before my husband!