To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

My nan had a direct cremation and I was really upset there wasn't a funeral. I didn't like the idea of her being on her own. My dad and his siblings sorted it, they didn't see the point because we're not religious. It wasn't my decision and I didn't say anything but I'd have preferred a funeral.

It's all so personal. My Dad died very recently and he had been adamant for years that he didn't want a funeral so just had direct cremation. He would have hated people feeling they had to make speeches and wouldn't have wanted my mum to go through it.

Not sure if I would've felt more closure though - but I would have dreaded it

Yep, no funeral here either (for me and DH.) Both having direct cremations. Adult DC are cool with this. Not having any attention-seeking grabby fuckers rocking up (who haven't seen me or spoke to me for a decade or more,) pretending they care, faux grieving, munching on the free food, and seeing if there's anything they can take.

Seen this happen at too many funerals.

Also weird hangers on who didn't even know the deceased, going to the funeral AND the wake and helping themselves to the free food and drink when they didn't even know the deceased, and often hadn't even met them! Yeah, fuck that!

@PortiasBiscuit I know it’s just a typo but you have made me laugh. I have got a vision of people at your funeral weeping and wailing while banging on theirs Woks😂.

100% this! Fuck all the “the funeral is only for the living” nonsense! I’m quite shy and quiet in real life but I am fully committed to belatedly becoming an attention seeking diva when it comes to my funeral 😄

I really think that it's important actually to have a funeral. I think it brings closure. And it makes you realise it's real

A friend of mine donated their body to science So no funeral and a gathering in a pub. First bit was an informal gathering in a side room where people spoke about their memories and second bit was in the main pub drinks and chatting. Tbh there wasn’t enough ritual for me and it didn’t help the grieving process.

Your funeral isn't really about you. You wont even really be there, its hosted by other people for other people it just simply in your name.

The ritual of a formal ceremony is, for many grieving people, hugely important.

If you really want to make life easier for those closest to you then keep all of your paperwork in good order. Ensure your finances are findable, write a will and save your mourning family a huge headache and a possible big legal bill.

Whenever people talk about this topic there are so many contradictions that the only truth is you can't please everyone so you might as well please whoever is most important to you (and if that's you then have at it).

So:

It's for the living, but if the living plan a small funeral or decide not to have a funeral that's selfish.

It's so helpful to let your loved ones know what you want, but if that's not what they want, eg you don't want a funeral, then that's selfish.

We need to have grieving rituals to help us deal with death, but if your grieving ritual is different from the norm and you need just a couple of closest people around you, or want to mourn alone, or want to celebrate in a non-traditional way, then that's selfish.

Rituals change, and if somewhere down the line the norm becomes direct cremation and then all go down the pub to listen to the deceased's Spotify playlist, it'll still be a ritual to remember and share grief and thanks for life.

I think that's it, really. I don't want people to not have a chance to say goodbye, or to be forced into jollity, I just want it not to be sitting in rows like a school assembly, awkwardly listening in silence to the favourite music of the deceased, not being able to slip away unnoticed and have a private bawl.
But if my relatives overwhelmingly wanted that, it wouldn't be fair for me to stop them.

and rightly so! :-)
As Dame Cecily Saunders (founder of the UK hospice movement) said
"You matter because you are you, and you matter to the end of your life"
I work as a nurse in a hospice and it is so important that we have these conversations about death and dying, funeral plans and wishes
Thank you OP for starting this thread 👏

I don't think it's anyone's business outside the close family really. We're all very different.

I have no opinion on it. I won't be there. If 200 people want to turn up and have someone organise a horse-drawn hearse then good for them. If 1 person wants to turn up and just go to the pub then fair enough or anything in-between.

I don't see what it's got to do with me, it'd entirely for how those left behind want to do it.

I don't want a funeral. I don't want to give people who I never see or speak to the opportunity to perform their "grief". I don't do funerals anyway so certainly don't want my own.

I don't think it's a morbid subject. I've had conversations with my mum and now know exactly what she wants. I think it's silly to be so 'British' about it and not discuss it.

There is a song by The Band Perry called "If I die young" - which is a beautiful ballad that I think sums up my thoughts on what my funeral should be like

I don't understand why people think a funeral will bring closure. When my Dp died many years ago the funeral was the worst experience of my life and gave me no comfort or closure, your loved one is never coming back and a funeral doesn't make that easier to accept.

I'm going for a direct cremation myself, I don't think it's fair to put my children through the organising and I don't want to upset them. I'd rather that they had the extra money that will be saved as well.

I think I needed the funeral for closure. It made it real

Direct cremations are probably what you are after. Then your family can arrange a memorial that suits how they want to do it. So can be formal church service or a more celebratory event at a venue alongside the wake.

Let your relatives have it

I think the assumption that everyone's grieving relatives want to hold a funeral is really odd. Plenty of of people do, sure. But lots of people only hold funerals for loved ones because they feel obliged to do so.

Neither of my parents wants a funeral, and I'm absolutely fine with that. The ritual means nothing to me or my siblings. There are other ways to 'say goodbye' to the dead. It doesn't have to entail an actual funeral service.

I appreciate that it's important to lots of people, but it isn't important to all people, and we should be normalising that and making it a lot more accepted that people should just do whatever's right for them.

We are having direct cremations. My adult children know and are fine with it. More money for them!!
I hate funerals especially religious ones.

The funeral is normally organized by one or two 'next of kin' out of many grieving people.

My dad was COMPLETELY unaware of anyone else's feelings when my mam died. I don't even think he meant to be so completely blind to everyone else its was just his way or coping by burying his head in the sand. It doesn't mean her kids and siblings and other family grieving didn't matter though.

Him wanting to get rid of any reminders as fast as possible to not have to acknowledge it shouldn't mean he can override those that did grieve different. Luckily me and my sibling had more awareness and involved other family who equally lost their loved one.

Just because one person doesn't want a funeral doesn't mean thats in the best interest of all the 'living'.

DH and I have agreed that we won't have funerals.

Agreed. I would have hated it and been really upset if my dad had arranged a direct cremation. I needed the ritual of the funeral as part of my grieving.