To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

My dad didn’t want a funeral and my mother didn’t want one for him either. We chose Pure Cremation and then had a memorial service.

It did make other family and friends very annoyed at the time and they weren’t satisfied with a memorial. I really look down on them for causing a fuss – although they were grieving and I understand funerals are important to some, I think they should have respected my dad’s wishes, and the wishes of his immediate family above their own feelings. They weren’t, after all, the ones having to pay for it or organise it all in the face of it being against his wishes.

They were entitled to their feelings of course, but they should have kept them private and not aired them to his widow and his children.

I’m glad we made the decisions we did.

I’ve told my DH I want to go straight to cremation. I hate religion so I absolutely don’t want to be anywhere near a church.

To me, the funeral (or not) is for those left behind. What the corpse in the coffin would want - traditional funeral or pure cremation - doesn’t really matter, unless they’re planning to come back and haunt the family for Doing The Wrong Thing. 👻

There are loads of threads like this, and YANBU, OP. Just write down exactly what you want/don't want.
People have different views, but respecting the deceased's wishes seems basic.
I want a direct cremation, and also no wake, ashes scattering, memorial service, "gathering", whatever. Once I'm dead, that's it - forgotten. I know there's still paperwork, but it does help to reduce the hassle.

And I don't have "loved ones", which is a ghastly, sentimental expression, and one of the reasons why I dislike all the stuff that surrounds traditional funerals.
It's also rather narcissistic to assume that lots of people will miss us, and grieve, when we die. Maybe they won't 🤣
My husband hates funerals, we are not religious, and my friends already know that I'm contrary and generally anti-social. So the bare, legal minimum will be just right.

This sounds perfect to me. The person is dead so, frankly, they are just a commodity. They don't exist in any other form. All it needs to be is legal - nothing else.

The funeral isn't for you, it's for those grieving.

I'm not a religious person but I remember feeling very moved at my MIL's funeral in church.
First, the church was absolutely packed, so it gave us a sense of how she was loved and how she touched a lot of people.

Second, hearing things such as "she's with God now" felt very comforting.

Last, people cried during the service, so later, when we all went for drinks and nibbles, it felt like the tension had disappeared and we just felt happy being together. I remember it was a rather joyful moment, because we had an outlet for being sad beforehands.

My dad died suddenly in 2021 and he'd said prior that he wanted a direct cremation, no service no nothing.

We honoured his wishes.

Despite having two family get togethers to mark his passing, not having a funeral has really affected me and made grieving so much harder.

It's something that plays on my mind a lot and I'd never choose this type of 'funeral' for myself.

My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. I'm thankful, I don't think they help say goodbye, they've already gone and it would be so hard for me to hold it tighter and actually manage a conversation. The sight of the coffin usually starts me off and that's for relatives I'm not so close to.

I'd be glad if I never had to go to a funeral ever again. They are horrible.

I don't think I want one either. It costs a lot of money and is a total waste. My mum says she wld just like close family to go for a meal and talk about her instead then scatter her ashes. This is a huge turn around for my mum. All her life she told me she wants burried and in beside her parents and there's space for my dad too. Dad doesn't care 😂 he says he won't be here anyway.

A burial these days can be best of £10k. It's about £3k just for the plot here. £2k for a nice stone, funeral director costs and then the cost of the funeral/meal after. Even my Nanas was nearly £5k and the plot was already purchased and the stone got altered to include her so that part didn't cost a lot. The meal was small and reasonably priced. We couldn't believe how expensive it all was but she had a policy that covered a fair bit of it and money in the bank for the rest.

I kind of feel similar to you @ObelixtheGaul but maybe for different reasons.

I've had close family die young and unexpectedly (so no funeral plan as such) and the cost of the funerals that needed paying upfront while waiting for the life insurance money (which can take a while) makes me think that if I was to die in the near future, I'd rather not have a funeral.

People do this at funerals. Just turn up when they've had fuck-all to do with the person for YEARS.
I think that's a nice thing. People making an effort to travel for am event for someone they haven't seen in years.

I won't be leaving any instructions for my funeral. It's entirely up to others how they want to celebrate me or not.

I have a terminal illness. I'd actually taken out a funeral plan the year before my diagnosis.
Before that I had looked at Direct funerals, but realised my kids would want a funeral.
I lost my dad just after my diagnosis & when we were arranging his funeral I realised how important this ritual was to my family.
My funeral is planned, but with jobs given to family members. I've even printed photos for them to choose from to use at the wake. And I've written a rough eulogy, I hope to meet with the humanist myself closer to the time, but then when family meet with him afterwards they can add bits.
I have also suggested how to scatter with my ashes, with a big family day at my favourite beach & have put money aside for them to get ice creams from the shop we always went to.
I have been able to plan as I know I'm dying. And I like to be organised. I hope this is taking some of the burden off my family, while still leaving them some stuff to do.
I can understand people not wanting a funeral, but you're not there, it's for the people left behind, & often they need something.
If my family decided not to do anything in my plan I won't know & I won't care cos I'll be gone. But I think they will honour my wishes as that will be important to them.

My uncle had a direct cremation. My mum & dad sat in the crematorium garden when it was due to happen to be there with him.

Exactly. And funerals of dearly loved people increase my stress and grieving much more and make things even harder to deal with. I don't want to do that to those I leave behind.

I would haunt my family if they didn't respect my wishes.
But I don't believe in ghosts, so will gnash my gums silently in my coffin/urn

i don’t want one. My friend told me recently she’s been very clear to her husband she doesn’t want one and phoney people turning up.

I knew I didn’t want one at MILs. The lead up was extremely stressful because of BIL to start with and there was loads of drama. There were loads of people there but none of them cared about her. She was a difficult person. I’d say only DH and his cousin were bothered, and then a few hundred other people turned up because they felt they had to. People she hadn’t seen in decades came, but they wouldn’t see her when she was alive. I think it’s strange.

Don't tell people that you've died until you have been disposed of in accordance with your wishes
Rather like eloping, act first tell afterward

I don't want a funeral. If family and friends insist, up to them, I won't be there. But my preference is for not having one.

Both my parents made it known, long before the time, that they did not want funerals, and honestly. that made things easier. It's not so much the ceremony itself that would have added to my grief; nor is it a reluctance to acknowledge death; it's the distress of have to grieve publicly and deal with other people's 'condolence rituals' and well-meant but often hurtful advice on how to grieve. A private family-only funeral might be different, but it's not always easy to keep it private.

I much prefer later memorial services, which are much more focussed just on remembering and acknowledging the person who died.

But everyone is different.

I don’t care really. I find them all a bit unnecessary and performative. If people want one, because let’s face it, it’s not really the deceased’s funeral is it, then fine, but if it were up to me, I’d rather not. I’d quite like to be donated to science anyway, if they would have me. I suppose you might still be able to have a funeral or something with that but I haven’t checked.

The same here,

I've got some complex health issues that could see me off and I don't want a funeral, or anything else for that matter. To me, its a complete waste of time and money.

Send me up the crem, wallop me through the furnace and then do what you want with my ashes.

I don't agree with the "its up to the living if you have one, it's for them". It's my death, so respect my wishes, yours don't trump mine.

😂

You could always contact one of those places where they study decomposition. The Human Tissue Authority has some good information on leaving your body to medical science
If I remenber correctly, they will pay for a cremation when you have taught the students all you can

I like this idea.