To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

I think it's interesting that people are jumping to the assumption that no funeral = less sadness.

My GM didn't have a funeral. That was her choice so we respected it. She was cremated and we scattered her ashes at the beach as per her wishes. I can assure you we were all very, very sad.

Your funeral isn’t about you, as much as it’s for you. It’s about all those that have lost you.

So important. If there is going to be a funeral, you can make it much easier for them if they know what music et cetera you would like. There are enough decisions to make at a time like this. And if your choice is not to have one, at least they’ll know about it.

Please read the post by @Technosaurus above at 13.01 - direct cremation is fine if you understand it, but many people don’t realise what it means. You could die in Norwich and be cremated in Aberystwyth, and there’s no chance to visit, take clothes, leave letters or mementos in the coffin, etc. Your loved one will be collected and that’s it. It’s not much more expensive to arrange a simple cremation through a local funeral director. You don’t have to have flowers, limos and all that, you don’t even have to have a ceremony.

Hmm, yes , interesting to hear the other side of it. I think that’s why I’d be hesitant to take the plunge. I particularly hate the waiting period before the funeral takes place, it feels agonising, but it sounds as if that might happen with a direct cremation as well.
For me it’s not really about the cost as such, although as a family we don’t have extravagant funerals. It’s about the planning, someone writing the eulogy but it turning into a really big deal as everyone has their own thoughts, the waiting, the actual ceremony. Horrible.

That's very useful to know, thank you.

I've already had this conversation with my DH (I'm a fit and healthy 50 year old, but I have strong feelings on the subject). I definitely don't want a funeral whenever the time comes as I personally hate funerals and don't want to inflict mine on anyone else.

I want a direct cremation, I then want my ashes mixing with my deceased dog's ashes and scattering in space. I remember hearing about scattering ashes in space on the Jeremy Vine Radio 2 programme a while ago and thought it sounded amazing. It costs about £4k.

I don't have children so won't have grandchildren etc to remember me. I also love travelling and love the idea of little bits of me being scattered across the globe.

I don't want one either. My husband knows this and doesn't mind. We do direct cremation in our family, when a person dies the body is just that, nothing there. That's our view. Pomp and circumstance costs and for us there are better things to spend money on.

The important thing is to let your family know and accept that if they decide to change things then that's fine, you won't be there to give a shit.

Do what you want, OP, just try not to trample on feelings and all will be fine.

My dad had a natural funeral.

He was wrapped in a cotton shroud, was put in a plywood box and lowered in to a hole beneath an oak tree.

No artificial material, name plate on the box, money wasted on flowers. Cheap, cheerful and not at all morbid. Wasn’t a cemetery, just a big field was full of long grass, wild flowers and bees.

That sounds beautiful.

Currently planning my own funeral and in true me fashion I think I might swap things around a bit. I don’t want my family sitting down and telling some random person their memories of me, I want to write it and tell them what they meant to me just one last time - does that make sense? I want to tell them one last time that I’m at peace and out of pain and I look forward to seeing them some time in the distant future on the other side, just as I’m taking comfort in the fact I know there are others waiting for me (I believe anyway). I don’t particularly want a wake though 🤷🏼‍♀️

They have one of these cemeteries near to me - just back to nature - no gravestones or plaques I believe .

If you have considered what it means and I hope the information others have provided helps, and then still wish that to be what happens when you die, then your wishes should be respected. Just as mine to have a funeral should be.

Personally I'm not bothered about it for myself but I really feel the funeral is for the people you leave behind so you should take their feelings into account

Yeah this.

and

"seeing if there's anything they can take."

Like the grieving widow.

Emotionally well adjusted, domesticated and financially secure men with a reliably working penis seems to be in short supply after 50 from what I read on here. I could see a funeral would be a place to get yourself one before he hits the shop floor again so to speak, if you play your cards right. 😂

A friend did this for her mum recently. A lovely meal with speeches of remembrance at a country pub and a direct cremation on a date none of us knew. It really was a happy afternoon with lots of laughter and tears.

Thanks for the info.

Both my adult DC are ND. They would hate getting up and speaking in front of anyone, especially at my funeral. Worse, having to make small talk with people they either don't know at all or barely know. I'm also not religious at all so am not fussed about that aspect.

They breathed a huge sigh of relief when I said I wanted direct cremation. I know they both plan to have some of my ashes, take them to a meaningful place, scatter them and say goodbye in their own way.

I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks. They can organise something for themselves if they're so inclined!

I agree that funerals are for the living but in my scenario we're all in agreement anyway.

I don't want want either. My family understand my reasons and think similarly. My family and friends will support each other regardless.

I've learned something from this thread though - local funeral places can arrange cremations. That's good to know and it's something I'll look into, I'd rather support local businesses if I can.

My DM is on end of life care right now and only has a few days left. She decided before she lost capacity that she wanted a cremation with no funeral, and then a small wake in a local pub. Her main reasoning was the cost of a funeral - even if you keeps things as low key as possible it can still be very expensive.

I respect her wishes either way, but would've gone for a funeral if she'd wanted that instead.

Having recently been ill and sung at too many funerals as a chorister I'm having the lot.
Choir, flowers and big posh cars. I also fancy a lipstick screen printed coffin.
Big party, champagne and a reading of the will. My friends expect swag and so will my family.
My parents who reside in my study will be going in with me as was their wish.
My husband wants to go 'home', I'm dead by then so up to him.
I work with lot of vain women so it will be slimming black all the way. Prefably hats.
And I agree with the @perpetualnothingness my husband will be up for grabs and the casorole crowd will attend.
Each to their own but I always go to funerals, it's a remark of respect to me.

Yes my mother's cremation was arranged by our local funeral directors... however small local family run directors are not always better I'll tell you that much!

Love that for you!

@BowlOfNoodles thank you.
If we're allowed back for a look I'm going to eavesdrop. I've got some interesting friends and some nosy family.

You've got to be a fire sign? Lol 😂