To not want a funeral?

[ObelixtheGaul]

To clarify, I am not terminally I'll or anything, but have in recent years seen a couple of friends and relatives die, one suddenly. It's made me think you don't know what's round the corner, and one thing I've observed is that it can be distressing to relatives to not know their loved one's wishes.
One of my relatives didn't want a funeral. He didn't want the fuss, so he didn't have one. Given the cost of having an even basic funeral these days, I know more and more people are thinking about Pure Cremation type options.
Some people do feel, though, that it doesn't give them a chance to say goodbye. I know my Uncle's choice wasn't popular with the more traditional family members.
I'd like my friends and relatives to skip the formal bit and go straight to the pub. Put the music I like on the jukebox rather than playing it in the crematorium. It wouldn't be a church do anyway as I am not religious. To be fair, I'm not going to know anything about it and I do rather like the idea a friend of my father's who is terminally I'll has of having a big 'going away' party before he dies.
I know it's a morbid subject, but it comes to us all. How would you like to be sent off?

So you want a viking funeral lol.

They can do what they want. I'll be dead, so I'll be the only one who won't give a shit :D

If what would make them happy would be to do what I'd prefer, I'd tell them to save their money, have me cremated and walk away.

But if what would make it easier for them would be to have a little service, a big service or have me stuffed and mounted over the fire, they should feel free to crack on.

My late grandad always used to say, "fling me over Markham pit yard in a catapult".

We were a little over 50% convinced he was joking, so we had him cremated instead.

Of course not, but the reverse is also true. Just because one person wants a traditional funeral doesn't mean that isn't going to be tortuous for some other grieving people.

Not everyone is going to be happy unless you're quite lucky. My family goes for generally small funerals without much fuss and some of this current oldest generation are opting for direct cremation with a much later memorial. It's the culture we've grown up in so seems fine to us, but it's not impossible that some friends have been devastated to not be included or felt that we were insulting the deceased because the arrangements were so modest.

When my dad died, my mum and I chose to have a very small funeral which was held at the funeral home. We're not a religious family in the slightest and didn't want any fuss. My dad would've wanted it that way. To be honest it didn't help with grieving at all and we found the whole thing stressful. My mum won't be having any kind of service, she just wants to be cremated and her ashes interred with my dad. I'm more than happy with this arrangement. I personally don't understand the point of funerals or memorial services.

I think the key message, here, is talking to your loved ones. It's absolutely a conversation to have, difficult though it is.

I can understand why some people don’t want to hold a funeral or attend one.

However, there are people on Mumsnet who’ve “forbidden” their loved ones from holding a funeral for them - I think that’s really selfish. Why wouldn’t you want your loved ones to do what’s right for them?

I don’t mind what my relatives do for me as I’ll be dead, but I like the idea of some kind of tribute, even if they just raise a glass to me in the pub and reminisce. And my ashes could be scattered on a beach - I find the idea of becoming part of a beautiful place somewhat comforting. There would be no upkeep needed, but my loved ones could visit the beach if they wanted a specific place to remember me.

I hate funerals, wish there wasn't a societal expectation to show up and perform your grief in front of people. I need to be alone to deal with that.

But my family can do what they want. I don't care, I won't be there.

I think funerals are for those left behind.

It doesn't matter what I think as I wont be here. My family have been told to do whatever works for them.

Completely agree

as long as it is beautiful ;-)

Yeah, I don't think I would want to be that prescriptive about it.

I was hoping the woks were going to be used to make a lovely stir fry for the mourners, much nicer than ham sandwiches and pork pies.

My Dad had a direct cremation as his wishes. The immediate family got together when we interred his ashes. I thought that was enough.

But my uncle died recently and had a more traditional cremation service. I realised then how much I had needed my wider family, cousins etc.

I now feel that whilst a funeral service isn't for me, a large gathering is important. It's a conversation I need yo have with my children...

I think my funeral is none of my business. I will be dead. My children can do whatever they want. Pre-planned overly prescriptve funerals (or non-funerals) can cause as many problems as they solve.

Depends what you mean by a funeral, I think.

I recently went to a secular event, in a lovely setting, to celebrate the life of a friend who'd died. The cremation had been a low-key affair a few days earlier, that only immediate family attended. This was a gathering of those who'd known him, where he was talked about, remembered, mourned.

It is important that the living are given an opportunity to say goodbye to the dead. But I don't think it needs to be a funeral in the church-and-coffin sense.

We had someone close have a direct cremation a few years ago. The lack of funeral has really badly affected some close to her, as if part of the grieving process has been missed out. There were memorial events, but I don’t think that helped those who struggled.

If the funeral is for the living are they the ones who should be paying for it? I'm not going to save up for my funeral when I don't think it is a necessary part of the grieving process. My family can do what they want though

The different perspectives on how people grieve and what they need are part of why I started this thread, and I am grateful to all of you who have shared your experiences and thoughts.

I dunno, I feel whenever anyone insists on no funeral or a party atmosphere it's because they've not resolved their own feelings on death and are trying to get around the idea of the sadness and finality of dying by ensuring their prospective funeral guest don't feel any themselves.

But it is a ceremony for the bereaved and while I think a funeral can be whatever you make it's better for those left behind to have a ceremony to remember the dead and be allowed to feel their grief without interference (unless the dead in question was a complete fucking shit bag!)

I don't think I could do a pint down the pub for my parents or husband, I absolutely adore them all and it feels too casual an arrangement to match the gravity of the occasion.

I’m not going to be leaving any instructions for my funeral, it’s not for my benefit ! My mother in law died fairly recently , my husband and I did say afterwards we’re really not sure why we put ourselves through all the stress of the planning and the actual ceremony, it’s horrible. Whether another time we’d actually not have a funeral I’m not sure, it’s so ingrained in as being the done thing isn't it. But I can't help feeling a direct cremation and perhaps an ashes scattering might be much less stressful.

Direct cremations are all well and good until you actually experience one.

Bodies stored in morgues until there's capacity to do it somewhere, some of them have mass-morgues in industrial parks which are nowhere near where the family are; usually they won't let anybody view the body (even if it's with a local Funeral Director because it costs extra to dress and prepare the cadaver for viewing); no firm timescales on when or where it will be done. This is before we get to the ritual aspect of it all.

The cost saving isn't even particularly amazing either. A direct will cost circa £2k once all fees are included (check the small print on anything significantly cheaper, eg: if you die outside 9-5 Mon-Fri working hours, often you'll have to pay extra for 'non standard' collection). A "normal" funeral can be done for only a tiny bit more than that once people strip out limos, flowers, etc. It's not a totally binary decision between 'everything' and 'nothing'.

Agree with everyone saying you don't have to have a crematorium job and can just go for pints in the pub etc but directs have taken it to the other extreme where it's all commoditised. The deceased may, when living, think they've been clever by saving a few quid... but the reality for those left behind can cause distress.

By denying the family a proper funeral, you're denying them the chance to put on one last show for the neighbours/wider family that they're a cohesive bunch who all like each other. 🤔

I'm not even middle aged yet but I have brought a grave plot on a natural burial site free-hold ( as the costs are rising by the year ) I have life insurance to, and I also have thought far ahead and don't want a funeral put me in a willow coffin and pour some remy Martin over my grave I'm done lol x

Wasn't bothered personally. Some years ago, researching a bit of family history, I looked up the location of my maternal grandmother's grave. Located it in the records, paupers funeral. Ah well, these things happen. She'd had a sad life, abandoned with 2 kids by husband who left her for another woman, already pregnant. The Other Woman - the Red Headed Tart, as known in our family - had 3 children with my grandfather over the 20 years they were together. She died of cervical cancer leaving a couple of teens and a 7 year old. What now? Call on the wife, of course who 'did her duty', resumed her wifely status and took care of the children until she died herself 7 years later. Looking through the burial lists, I noticed Redhead's burial place, not so far away from the communal paupers grave, nicely tucked up in a bought and paid for double plot. To my intense surprise, I was immediately absolutely furious. It seemed so contemptuous. I immediately revised my 'don't care, do what you like' attitude to my own funeral and told my daughter to do exactly what she will be comfortable with. I hadn't fully realised the importance of funerals, burials, etc to those left behind. I'm not dead yet but to put the lid on this sorry tale, a few years later, a cousin, child of one of grandfather's sons, asked if I'd do a DNA test to tidy up his obsessive family tree. Guess what? We're not related, none of Redhead's children were my grandfather's. What can you do but laugh?

A direct cremation, that's what my DF had