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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

388 replies

User7567 · 22/08/2024 22:04

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 22/08/2024 22:06

My partner doesn't drive. We get the train or walk, no red flags

Vonniee7 · 22/08/2024 22:08

Not everyone lives in London with good public transport. That's where it gets harder when you're always the designated driver!

TickingAlongNicely · 22/08/2024 22:09

When one partner drives, and has a car, it can create an imbalance in a relationship. Especially in areas with little public transport.

Completely different to neither driving with good public transport!

SilenceInside · 22/08/2024 22:09

Consider you as a couple as a red flag? Not sure what this means.

I think there's a clear difference between someone who has clear reasons for not driving/having a car due to city centre living and environmental concerns, compared to someone who chooses to (try) to rely on other people to drive them places and experiences limits on their opportunities for work and so on as a result.

BlindMiceThree · 22/08/2024 22:09

Is it a red flag? I can drive myself around.

theeyeofdoe · 22/08/2024 22:10

The difference is that you live in London. Most places in the UK don't have good public transport and you end up driving them around.

Even still, I think being able to drive is a life skill and even when I lived in London, I wouldn't have dated someone who couldn't. There are times when you need to drive

Bilbonne · 22/08/2024 22:11

It's just a thing on here, DS has a licence but doesn't drive as he lives in a city centre, he would have to have a flat with a parking place.

regementaria · 22/08/2024 22:11

You live somewhere you don’t need to drive so of course it’s not a red flag for you 🫠

I didn’t need to drive until I left London either

Pomegranatecarnage · 22/08/2024 22:12

I was married to someone who had a licence but wouldn’t drive and it caused a lot of resentment. I had to drive all of the time and so was responsible for taking the kids to all their clubs, I always did the “big shop” etc. I wouldn’t consider dating someone who didn’t drive.

comedycentral · 22/08/2024 22:13

I've never heard of it being a red flag to be honest.

MapleTreeValley · 22/08/2024 22:13

When DH and I lived in London we didn't have a car. Then we moved out of London and got a car. Most places aren't like London in terms of public transport.

Also, do you have kids? It's fine when each of you is responsible for your own transportation. But when you have kids, if one of you is doing all of the taking to birthday parties, activities etc it becomes very unfair.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 22/08/2024 22:13

When my friend first met her ex, he didn’t drive & used to go everywhere by bike, & they were in an area with fairly crap public transport. That gradually morphed into him still not driving but expecting her to give him lifts everywhere while the bike sat at home.

I don’t drive, but I also didn’t depend on my ex to get me places.

moppety · 22/08/2024 22:13

I don't want to live in the city. We live fairly rurally and one person not being able to drive would be a real pain. I also think it's a bit of a life skill thing, and it would just be irritating to be with someone who had never learned, especially when you have kids who need to be ferried about places. Wouldn't say it's a red flag as such but definitely I'd find it off-putting in a potential partner if I was looking for one.

CheerfulYank · 22/08/2024 22:14

I’m American and don’t drive (due to a visual-spatial disorder) and here it’s extremely uncommon. People react as though I said “I can’t read” when I tell them.

Obviously for me it isn’t a red flag, but it is difficult. I live in a very small town with literally zero public transportation (no one does Uber etc, let alone any kind of train or bus) but it’s manageable because I can walk almost everywhere, plus my husband and now our oldest son drive. I think having kids here would be next to impossible with no drivers in the house, honestly.

When our children are grown I’d actually like to move to a city with great public transportation.

offyoujollywelltrot · 22/08/2024 22:15

I don't drive. It would be a very bad idea because of my ADHD, especially since I'm also in perimenopause and it really affects my ability to focus. Driving requires multiple points of focus, and I'd end up in an accident.

I annoys me when folks say not driving is a red flag, it's expensive as fuck to buy, run, and maintain a car, it's not attainable for everyone, and it's not necessarily safe depending on an individual's situation. If someone judges you for not driving, tell them to stick it up their sanctimonious arse.

WashingLine98 · 22/08/2024 22:17

Do you have kids ? I live in a city (not London) with a very sporty kid and the driving to training and competitions is constant, week in week out. I'm the only driver and it puts a lot of pressure on me. You couldn't depend on a team mate, in fact we all share lifts anyway and we are still at full tilt. So for me it's a parenting thing.

Bilbonne · 22/08/2024 22:18

On here it's a red flag if you don't drive until you get to about 60 then it's a red flag if you do

theduchessofspork · 22/08/2024 22:19

You live in London OP, and most people don’t

Tell me you knew this, else I’m seriously fecking worried for you re your lack of knowledge of the rest of the country

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 22/08/2024 22:19

I agree with you. I dislike driving and don't consider myself to have much aptitude for it. Although I still have a driving licence because it's useful for ID, I haven't driven at all for at least 6 years (and before that only occasionally) and don't intend to drive again. DH has a car and does drive sometimes but probably not as much as most people with cars do - only if we are going somewhere rural that cannot be accessed by public transport and is too far to walk. Within the town, we both normally walk or take buses. He occasionally does a "big shop" with the car but I really prefer to buy little and often, fresh food that's exactly what we want, and bring it home on foot. DH does not resent the fact that I choose not to drive, in fact he is very supportive of my decision given that I've never felt confident driving and am objectively not much good at it. (That is not code for "he rubbished my driving and begged me to stop"!)

If anything happened to DH and I was considering looking for another man, I would actively prefer one who did not own a car and did not want a driving-based lifestyle. This is because (1) he could not possibly think any less of me for not wanting to drive myself and (2) I think not driving is probably greener anyway.

I do realise that it would be thoroughly impractical for anyone living in a rural area, but I would never choose to live in a rural area, or with someone who seemed like they might want to move to a rural area one day. Even my medium-sized town is not really big enough for the city girl I am at heart, for lots of reasons, not all of them anything to do with transport.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 22/08/2024 22:20

It's not a red flag imo, but it's potentially very inconvenient. There's probably much more stigma attached to a man not driving than a woman though. Some people still have ludicrously old-fashioned, sexist views about such things.

theduchessofspork · 22/08/2024 22:22

offyoujollywelltrot · 22/08/2024 22:15

I don't drive. It would be a very bad idea because of my ADHD, especially since I'm also in perimenopause and it really affects my ability to focus. Driving requires multiple points of focus, and I'd end up in an accident.

I annoys me when folks say not driving is a red flag, it's expensive as fuck to buy, run, and maintain a car, it's not attainable for everyone, and it's not necessarily safe depending on an individual's situation. If someone judges you for not driving, tell them to stick it up their sanctimonious arse.

Driving is really not that hard. I have ADHD, haven’t done anyone serious damage in 30 odd years

S0CKPUPPET · 22/08/2024 22:22

Not everyone on Mn is a rich child free couple living in London 🙄.

If you were a family with 3 young kids and an elderly mother living in rural wales / Lincolnshire / Aberdeenshire you might feel differently.

EC22 · 22/08/2024 22:22

I didn’t drive for first 10 years of my relationship, I’ve driven the last 10, and realise what a burden it must have been for him.

I love the freedom to just go anywhere at anytime, so many places are just not accessible by public transport.

If you both don’t drive and don’t care too much about visiting remote places it’s not a red flag at all.

PartyLlama · 22/08/2024 22:23

Personally, it would be more of a red flag if someone said that they couldn't drive but not that they don't. Plenty of people don't drive as they don't need to,however not having learned what can be seen as an essential life skill (emergencies etc) would be a red flag to me!

DrinkElephants · 22/08/2024 22:23

Not everyone lives in london.