To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

I wouldn't call it a red flag, as I see that as more about their behaviour or beliefs. However, I wouldn't date anyone who couldn't drive as I haven't got the time, money or energy to be doing all the legwork around meeting up and public transport here is almost nonexistent.

My experience of the tube is that there's one every few minutes for the majority of the day on most lines, and some run fairly frequently through the night too.

Our closest bus route is every 2 hours between 7am and 7pm Monday to Saturday, and none on a Sunday. The bus goes to the nearest town centre, if we want to go anywhere else we need to change bus there. No train station. No tube.

I wouldn't date someone who had chosen not to drive. Different if they couldn't drive for some reason.

Eh? Someone who lives in a capital city with all the public transport at their fingertips doesn’t understand why anyone else would need a car and have to drive? SMH.

As others have said, you are missing the point of those threads.

It’s about imbalance when one person can’t drive, but expects the other person to do so.

Having to do all the driving to EVERYTHING.
And taken for granted
Especially when you are not in London / public transport hub
Especially especially when you are balancing multiple kids.

Seems a bit of a goady post 🙄 it obviously depends where you live. I live in the countryside where the nearest proper supermarket is 10 miles away and buses are one an hour (if it actually turns up) so it’s hard to live here and not drive.

My ex didn’t drive and it was so annoying having to go out of my way all the time to drop him off, pick him up etc - I’ve always said never again because I want to share driving not be the only one responsible for it.

My mum got her licence at 18 in 1966. By 1984 she had 2 children under 5 and my dad had still no inclination to learn how to drive so she put her foot down and told him he needed to step up and get his licence so he could ferry us around too. Which he did because he recognised it was indeed hugely unfair.

Would it have been different if they lived in London? Yes, obviously. OP you can't really be so naive not to see how living in a massive city with extensive public transport is different to most other places?

I don't remember asking for your opinion, it's not safe for me to drive, so I don't do it.

Yeah, obviously if you live somewhere without public transportation then this would be different, but then the question wouldn’t even come up because if it is just a necessity then everyone would drive anyway. Even our London friends are surprised that we don’t have a car.

It doesn't count in London but I think if it's combined with other ManChild things it can be a red flag, e.g can't drive, believes in conspiracy theories, has a fear of getting a mortgage or basically a fear of being an adult

It’s a huge red flag on MN and a smaller one in real life. I don’t drive and have had partners who did, couldn’t, or didn’t want to - it really makes very little difference. Public transport is pretty good where I live and I travel throughout my county and the next.

I’m getting rather fed up with being told I’m not independent by elderly ladies who can’t even go to the cinema unaccompanied.

It works for you in your situation living in London. But for many it wouldn't work and the burden of driving would all fall onto one partner if the other did not drive. For context we live eight miles from the nearest shop. No public transport. So the non driver would be entirely dependent the driver for transport.

the question wouldn’t even come up because if it is just a necessity then everyone would drive anyway
The point being that for some people it isn't a necessity purely because they let their friends/family/partner ferry them about. These are the lazy sods unlikely to make a good partner hence it's a red flag to avoid someone like that.

It's not a red flag, but weirdly every person I know who has never learnt to drive are people that get very stressed easily and have little resilience. I know it's a coincidence but I have to remember that all non-drivers aren't like that!

Because unless you're in London or another big city with transport available it's a fuck on getting to work and kids where they need to be.

Not everyone has exactly the same experience of ADHD, plus it commonly occurs with other conditions that can make driving an extra challenge such as dyspraxia. Just because you don’t find it ‘that hard’ your experience does not apply to everybody. It’s a very complex skill.

You mention congestion charge, so presumably London based, so not an issue.
If you live in the arse end of nowhere with shit public transport , I'd imagine it's more of a problem.

If driving is important then of course driving can be a red flag. The same way chewing loudly, voting tory or drinking may or may not be red flags.

If you live somewhere with good transport links it's less of an issue. Living somewhere rural or with terrible public transport it can be difficult and is a lot to ask for someone else to drive you all the time or be restricted in what you can do.

My dh has had to give up driving on medical grounds and it's been really hard for us all. Suddenly all of the getting around is on me unless it's within a few minutes walk. There is no tube, rail is unreliable, busses are appalling, taxis are limited. Before this it was all fine, we could both get to work, drop dc off at school/nursery or activities, plan social lives... now that's all on me. If this was a decision with a new partner then no, I'd probably not want to start a life with someone who relied on me entirely (obviously 15 years down the line and it being unexpected it's not a deal breaker, just mildly frustrating).

I truly can’t, though. My body cannot orient itself into space. Literally my brain does not understand where I am 🤣 My depth perception is crap. My sense of right and left is crap. I cannot picture things in reverse; if I am not looking at it I will often miss a shelf entirely if I try to set something on it. I am almost incapable of giving directions even if it’s to a place I’ve been many times. I cannot follow the simplest choreographed dance. My neurologist had a field day with me, I assure you!

That being said, in a case of a TRUE emergency, like say escaping a horde of zombies, where laws were out the window and it wouldn’t matter if I drove into a field or two, I could probably manage it. It’s possible that I could also drive a bit in very small town with not many people and cars about, I have done before. But it’s very, very hard and I have to really concentrate to manage it. My sense of timing and distance are not typical and would almost certainly lead to tragedy or at least quite a fender bender, in a situation where I would need to make a split second decision behind the wheel.

Driving doesn't matter if you live in London. Where I live we almost point and wave if a bus goes past, it seems so rare. The problem I have with none drivers in my poor public transport area is that they expect someone else to run them around, and you are lucky if you are offered even a bit of petrol money.

It’s a public forum, you’ll get opinions whether you like it or not.

If you don’t want to drive don’t, but I think it’s highly unlikely to be unsafe due to your ADHD.

I think in some people it's a kind of laziness, a lack of ambition almost, and that's what is unattractive.

Where I live the public transport is pretty rubbish. I can drive to my elderly MILs in an hour, if I wanted to go on the train I could only go on Saturdays because that's the only day the train runs. If she needs taking to a hospital appointment then we need to drive her to a city because her town doesn't actually have a hospital. Places that tend to have good public transport also tend to have better infrastructure and choice for most other things too.

If it is just a necessity then everyone would drive anyway - this is exactly the point @User7567. Some people don't drive even when it's really inconvenient for them and their partner.

People value and want different things?

What's not to get?

(Plus, er, you live in London)

But even the London thing, everyone I know who lives in London drives, and use their cars regularly. It's a bit of a lifestyle choice. Some people value the convenience and freedom of having a car, and are prepared to pay for that.

That’s unusual, I live pt in london and know lots of quite well off childless couples don’t have cars.

It probably shouldn't need pointing out, but most people don't live in London. If you don't live in London, public transport is going to be mediocre at best but realistically it will be an expensive and poor service.

Not driving limits employment opportunities. It means one person has to always be the designated driver, have their time interrupted to pick up / drop off, limits the ability to be flexible and spontaneous, do things that aren't on your doorstep etc etc.

I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with someone who doesn't drive, as is my prerogative.