To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

We regularly holiday in Cornwall. Trains are pretty good for getting there and back. Taxis form part of the plans for some trips, we organise this in advance and factor in charges to the budget.

Living there all year round might be different, but in summer there are plenty of places on bus routes that make good bases. If we are going to the beach we will have body boards in board back pack and a beach shelter/tent in a roll bag. Yes, we do take that on the train and buses and taxis as required

Living there all year round might be different, but in summer there are plenty of places on bus routes that make good bases.

This is a really good point - I'd also say that many locals can't afford to live in the tourist "hotspots" so have no choice but to buy further afield and commute in to work.

I'd also say that if you're getting a train to somewhere rural on holiday then in generally doesn't matter if you miss your connection or there's a delay, whereas if you're relying on it to get you to work then it's a very different story.

Totally dependent on where you live.
Driving gives you independence to go where you want when you want and not rely on anyone else. Someone who doesn’t want to learn to drive to me is restricting themselves so I’d find it unattractive.

Moving into a nearby town that has a school, bus/train and selecting jobs with transport is not "uprooting your life", it is making minor sensible adjustments. Campaign for more buses from your sensible base. No need for dramatising.

I'd also like to think as a non driver, that it does and will teach my children that life is still possible, you can still achieve, parent, amongst other things and, that you aren't some walking red flag, lazy bum and whatever else some people would like to call non drivers. Maybe that's just me 🤪

I didn’t drive until fairly recently so my DH did all the driving. He was never resentful. It’s not a red flag and it’s weird that people think it is. There are too many people on the road who shouldn’t be driving. It’s not a bad thing

Yes, I would have been in that situation had my family remained in the village I grew up in. I fully acknowledge I would have had to drive or move and given the struggles I had trying to learn to drive, it would have been cheaper to bloody move. We left when I was 16, though, so it didn't arise for me, but my sister was older and, fortunately, didn't share my odd inability to master it. She loved driving and learned quickly. It might even have helped that she learned on quiet country roads. Her boyfriend taught her, she only had a few 'official' lessons.

One of the reasons I would like to have driven is I love rural living. Doesn't matter now, I love our house on a nice street in a small town and we won't move again.

I absolutely know there are places you need a car to live in. That's why, as a non-driver, I don't live in them. The fact that some people who don't drive do, and cadge lifts, isn't under dispute. What is, for me, as a non-driver who doesn't have lifts, lives in a small town in the north which has good transport, is the notion that everywhere outside London is a rural backwater and every single non-driver is some weak, pathetic individual who.sits on their arse crying about lifts. There's far more of that on this post than a refusal to recognise poor public transport.

Yes!

I’ve said upthread I don’t live in London and live in the outskirts of a commuter town. Before that I lived in another commuter town not to far away. Both had two train stations and bus stations. DH, a driver, chose to live in the first town because he didn’t want to rely on his car and it meant when meeting up with mates and going out with clients, he could enjoy a pint and not worry about staying over a friend’s place or booking a hotel. I moved in after we married. We both enjoy this set-up especially since it saved on having the extra expense of a second car and me trying to relearn to drive with no one to watch our children. We moved where we are now because it was similar to where we were and the houses were cheaper and offered much more space. If I drove, it would still mean having to buy a second car which we can’t afford or I would have to drop DH off at work to have the car because there isn’t a bus that gets him to work when he needs to be there before 5:30 am and rounding up three children (one SEN and the other a baby) that early to do so would be silly.

My MIL doesn’t drive and wasn’t before she had DH and his siblings. She lives in a village that she has for her whole life in NE England. She walks and takes the bus and there’s a train station within walking distance. She has family and friends nearby and walks to them. She and FIL go on holiday outside the UK several times a year, and they book a taxi to take them to the airport. She is in her late 70s’.

I didn’t get the same in the US. No one was bothered that I didn’t drive. Most just shrugged and moved on. Those that did ask, I pointed out the cost and upkeep and where I lived and my cost to get where I need to be taking the bus and they understood.

I received more questions about not drinking alcohol than I did about not driving.

Ah, at last someone names places.

How long does it take to make these journeys? How confident can you be that your train won't be replaced by a bus, or cancelled? How many connections have to go right for these journeys to work? What is the earliest and latest in the day you can make these journeys? What if you want to travel on Christmas Day, or when there's work on the line?

At times, it makes more sense to use public transport. At other times, it doesn't.

People who can drive can always choose to use public transport. People who can't don't have the choice and the flexibility to travel door-to-door whenever they like.

If one makes a choice not to drive one navigates a path that doesn’t include self driven car journeys.

I should say, where we live the city and county council are very anti car. As a bodies, they go further than I would to try and stop as many vehicles as poss coming into the city. We don’t yet have a congestion charge or a cap on the number of vehicles per household. Despite being a non/former driver, I speak against most of their policies because - although public transport and disability parking are goodish - they and general infrastructure need to be improved before they shut all the roads and make everything 20 miles an hour

Sure travel options on Christmas day are limited, and availability needs to be looked at for work. Nobody has claimed a 5 minute bus service to every front door in the country that teleports passengers at the speed of light. What we are answering is how someone can possibly get anywhere outside London without a car if they go on holiday, because it was being claimed that a car was needed "to get to places that are not well served by public transport". Many of us do exactly that, it's absolutely fine. If you just prefer to be in your car, that's super (apart from the pollution and contributing to ruining otherwise lovely places by a constant stream of traffic).

It wouldn't be impossible. Inconvenient, yes, but not impossible. If you found yourself unable to drive (medical/conviction/breakdown/whatever) you wouldn't starve, you'd make it work.

Moving to the "nearby town" is often impossible when house prices there are double what they are where you're currently living

And people have campaigned for more buses. We ended up with one a day. Term time only. That lasted a year before it got cancelled because, surprisingly, nobody used it as it was absolutely no use to anyone, really.

Similiar with cars and driving though.. what if your car breaks down miles away from home, you're unable to get help for a long while?
What if you're stuck in a stand still for hours on end because of something completely out of your control?

There's what if's on both sides. Not just those who don't drive.

Unless you're exceptionally unlucky, your car isn't going to break down once a month or leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere, though.

Whereas in many places, public transport is cancelled or delayed on a near daily basis. I can't think of the last time the trains around here all ran as they should for a full day, let alone a full week or month.

So far this year, we've had trains cancelled for several days in a row due to repairs, a landslide, flooding, trees on the line, snow and strikes. My car hasn't broken down or left me stranded since I got it (except for once when I got a flat tyre, but I was back on the road within the hour).

My husband didn’t drive when we met. It didn’t bother me hugely because we met in London where he was born and raised. It was a pain when we visited my family or friends in other parts of the country as I had to do all the driving but manageable.
Then we moved out of London to a commuter town and I told him he needed to learn if we were going to live here which he agreed to. It took a while which was fine but I wouldn’t have got pregnant until he did learn. Having a baby with a non driver is a whole other kettle of fish.

Interesting. I always had the impression there's a much higher percentage of teetotallers in the US and people treat you as very rakish if you have more than two drinks at dinner or have even one at lunch. Whereas in the UK non-drinkers are often viewed with slight suspicion.

Interesting use of "house". Unfortunately people can't all buy a house as a young adult and might have to start out in flats, or even shared rental. That's how it works in cities too.

For you, maybe not. For some, maybe.

Fortunately for me public transport where I am don't have as many of those issues. Where there is a will there is always a way. We make do with what we have and can do regardless.
You can't guarentee anything with cars/drivers/routes/roads as much as you can't with public transport.

Well, I didn't think it needed spelling out, but when house prices are higher, general rental prices are higher too

There are also very, very few flats here and I don't think I've ever seen a shared rental.

Well yes, nothing has guarantees.

But where I live, cars are much more reliable than public transport, so I drive. If I lived somewhere where the public transport system could be relied upon, it might be different.

It depends where you live. If I was still living in London, no I wouldn’t need to drive. Where I live now? Well DH and I could get to one job but not home, and neither of us could get to our day jobs without a car (DH is looking for main work at the moment, but realistically he’s very unlikely to find something on a bus route).

For me it would be an absolute no if DH didn’t drive. I’m not ferrying someone around so he would be completely stuck where we live.

I don't particularly enjoy being a passenger either. I go out of my way not to ask for lifts and often decline them when offered. There's a social event I go to every so often. I tell the host I'm attending of course, but I don't always tell a couple of friends because I know that they will offer me a lift that I do not want. I'd sooner get the train, or cycle the 12 miles (in a hilly area) if there's engineering work on.

Exactly. Nothing has guarentees, including those with a car/can drive to those without/can't drive. That was my point to the PP.

It's not doom and gloom for non drivers, we're not all bums, lazy red walking flags as some have suggested. It's the situation we're in, some of us don't have a choice to be in, and that's cool with us.
Just as many people out there like the above, who do drive. 😊