To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

Surely you realise there's a world of difference between living in London with excellent public transport and living in the arse end of nowhere, with a bus running every two hours, weekdays only, if you're lucky?

It isn’t - most people do it fine, including the not very bright. Unless the PP with ADHD’s doctor has told her she can’t drive, I would v much doubt it. She just doesn’t want to, which is fine.

I didn't drive when I first met my DH, didn't notice the red flag above my head either 🚩😵‍💫

I think it's probably just seen as inconvenient, rather than a red flag.

I'm a nervous driver and my partner knows this and therefore always drives on the motorway if we're going away somewhere, but I'm happy to drive to local places like the supermarket etc.. and he accepts this about me. People who find driving easy often just have no empathy for people who find it difficult/scary because they can't understand.

Oddly, I am a non-driver and my ADHD is so raging that I am almost incapable of anxiety.

What I mean is that I live so entirely in the present moment that if something is not actually happening NOW, it’s not really happening, nor does my brain truly accept that it ever will. I cannot panic about something that may happen or even often things that are certain to happen but will not happen YET. (Depending on what it is, of course.) And when panic-worthy things do happen, I usually go immediately into rock solid triage mode and deal with things as they need to be dealt with, while people who have generally seen me as somewhat flaky and absent minded lose their shit and stare at me as though I’ve suddenly sprouted another head.

That being said, there are exceptions. This morning, for instance, I had to take a test for my work certification. I’d previously failed it and then had to reschedule retaking it twice, so I think it was built up in my head into this massive thing. I didn’t worry about it at all until about three hours before I had to take it, and then I suddenly felt as though I were going to vomit and have a panic attack all at once. Brutal, it was!

Anyway, I digress; brains are just extremely interesting to me! TLDR: I don’t drive because my brain cannot orient my body into space, not because I am or have an anxious personality. In fact it’s quite the opposite most days.

We have 3 very sporty kids. Now they are older they get themselves to lots of stuff but when younger we had 9 training sessions and up to 6 matches/races a week across the county.

We also visit friends/family in other places at least once a month (train fare is so expensive - £280 return for all of us to my home town in advance! - £65 in petrol)

We camp 4 times a year

Have two very lively dogs who would die of boredom at the walkable to parks only and they aren't allowed on buses.

DH works night shifts, no transport home at 5am here.
I couldn't have been the sole driver and had a Life

It isn’t a complex skill? Ok, so you can’t fathom how someone dyspraxic or with severe ADHD would struggle to learn or might be dangerous if they are easily distracted and can’t focus for long? I’m baffled! Plenty of people with ADHD can drive, I know a couple, but you can’t assume your own experience applies to everybody.

Oh look there you are making judgements about how my ADHD affects me.

It is not safe for me to drive, if it's safe for you then knock yourself out love, but don't take pot shots at me because I don't take risks with my own, and other people's safety. It's called being a responsible adult - maybe you should try it sometime.

I live rural, if DH didn't drive I'd have to drive everywhere, which I quite often do anyways as I enjoy it. If I still lived near a city or in London, I'd not drive as everything would be close enough.

I don’t get it either OP, always lived in zone 2 and couldn’t afford the parking or lessons or the car itself. Also just couldn’t be bothered, there’s other things I like spending money on other than cars. Recently moved out to zone 6, still don’t feel like I need a car. DH learned to drive recently at age 36, bought a car because we now have free parking, but we still only use it for weekend getaways , never daily. A waste of money but here we are.

CheerfulYank you sound a lot like me. I have sometimes described what driving feels like for me as "like I imagine being dyspraxic would be like, but only when I'm at the wheel of a car."

It's a red flag for everyone outside of London.

I'm from London but when I moved to the midlands I realised everyone drives everywhere. Public transport was kind of a dirty word(s). Even in big cities like Birmingham it was very unusual to meet someone in their 30's who was dependent on public transport. London makes it so easy get by without driving and public transport feels like its for everybody. There is nowhere else in the country remotely comparable.

I don't think it's a red flag, more a non-negotiable like voting Reform or being a smoker.

Do you even like the idea of driving? The romance of the open road? The madness of the Paris ring roads? Or awe inspiring/hair-raising coastal roads? The beauty of coming across Stonehenge as you pass through the West Country? The crunch of gravel as you pull into a lovely country pub Trying-- to fit a billy bookcase in an ikea car park--

Yes 90% of driving is a chore/a bore but 10% is the closest thing I'll ever get to heaven on earth.

I guess it depends on where you live: if it's in a city with good public transportation, I agree it doesn't makes sense.
But maybe it's a matter of seeing driving as a proxy for autonomy or resourcefulness...

My ex husband didn't drive. He promised me he would learn when I got pregnant. He didn't. When I went into labour I had to get the bus to hospital (no taxi would take me due to risk of waters breaking). Never again.

Well put!

Some of the things mentioned here - kids clubs, kids parties, big shops etc would all fall to the driver
Also UK holidays - I once drove a mate to Cornwall from the North West and it was a bit of a slog, so much nicer sharing driving with someone
My BIL lives semi rurally but can't drive, my SIL has to do everything. Every errand, every parcel, every pint of milk, every social event, she is responsible for ferrying him around. It's a huge source of friction between them as he said he would learn to drive and then as soon as they were married reneged on that

I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't drive, I wouldn't necessarily judge their personality or character but they wouldn't be for me

None of our London friends drive but the ones living in the outskirts do. They don’t drive into London to meet me or go to work though. Driving not necessary in a city.

My nearest general store is 5 miles away. If I run out of milk I would need to do that myself.. every time.

If I was married to a man who couldn't do this for us .. well I don't know really... because I would never actually marry such an incompetent.

London is fine. No tube in East Hoathley... we have a bus on Tuesday ..

Taught ALL dc to drive . Expensive, so no holidays for 5 years.. but it's a massive life skill I was happy to prioritise.

OP can you try really hard, stretch your imagination, focus and concentrate, and imagine a world outside London? A world where there are small towns, villages, places without an underground train system, places without buses, beaches without railway stations, mountains that buses don’t go to, houses with parking spaces, farms, houses that are 15 miles from a shop or a sports ground…….and then try and imagine why some people think driving is important.

I can’t actually believe you’ve made a post saying “why is it such a big deal for people to be able to drive? I don’t need to drive, so why does anyone else?”

No, some people take longer to learn for sure, but with practice I think anyone can.

If the PP who says she isn’t safe to were on meds and/ had been medically advised not to, then of course I’d take it at face value - but if that were the case she’d have said so - so I think it’s more likely a confidence / anxiety issue.

I would dispute driving not being necessary in a city! London fair enough probably not, but where we are in Northern city we can get into town no problem but going to the next suburb over would mean going into town to get another bus out again- suburbs aren't well connected with each other. Fine if you don't need that ability and fine if you can cycle, but we found once we had kids we needed a car to get them where they needed to be.

Because people lack imagination and think if something matters to them it should matter to everyone, and if they couldn't cope without something neither can anyone else. They also feel it is 'immature' 'irresponsible' 'not adulty enough', when men don't drive, which often tend to be euphemisms for 'not manly enough' because men are supposed to love cars and driving and look wet letting women drive them around.
There are potential red flags as it might suggest loss of licence due to dangerous motoring offences, alcohol issues, or financial difficulties. It could also be restrictive for his employment prospects and many women set great store on a man's ability to provide.

Unless you’ve been told this by a medical professional, then I simply don’t think that’s the case. It might well take you longer than some people - it varies hugely - but you would learn to do it. It’s of course fine if you don’t want to.

Should probably have clarified in my opening post that I’m talking about people who live in cities with good public transportation, not rural places where you just have to drive. What surprises me is that driving and having a car, even if not needed, seems to be a status symbol or a sign that someone is well off, when I think it isn’t really.

Not everyone lives in London!

I live in a town with over 80,00 people, live a 5 minute car drive away from 4 supermarkets, GP surgery, dentist, high street etc and the bus service is only 3 times a day (earliest is at 10.30am and last is at 2.30pm) and not at all on sundays or bank holidays No train station where I live either.

My DC school is a 5 minute drive in the other direction and again its not possible to use public transport to get there. Older DC can ride their bikes but younger one cant and I need to drop off on the way to work.