To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

Shocked by some of the answers on here. If you don't feel safe on the road and think you're dangerous to others on the road it's very considerate not to drive. I'm not a natural driver, had 3 instructors and loads of lessons. I have ADHD which I feel is the root cause of my issues. I have problems with attention and I struggle with spatial awareness so being behind the wheel makes me anxious. Oh and my parking is laughable. I do drive because I have to get my kids from A to B. I'm aware of my difficulties so I drive really annoyingly slowly and am probably overly hesitant. I plan my trips in advance including parking and I don't do long journeys (one hour is my max) because it's too exhausting having to concentrate so hard when I have ADHD. I also avoid motorways as much as possible.

Well, I don't even own a wheelie suitcase, but there's off the beaten track and then there's miles from any train or bus station. I'm just pointing out there are places you can't really get to without a car. Even taxis don't go everywhere, and much as I love walking, I'm not up for a ten mile yomp with a backpack at 9pm after a 6 hour train and bus journey. You might be, and fair play to you.
And I'm sorry about the kid comment, it's what I constantly hear from driving parents: 'If you had children you'd have to drive, you can't drag them about on trains or buses'. Daft of me really, since I went on trains a lot as a kid and loved it.

Yes, same. For me, it's a marker of dependency and immaturity. Also, breeds some very entitled and demanding people, in terms of expecting lifts.

I drive. I didn't when I was younger. Some on here make out that driving is this enormous burden, it really is not. I am with you OP.

My unpopular opinion is that there are people on MN who make a big deal out of everything.

Out of interest, how would you cope if you couldn't drive suddenly for medical reasons, or something happens to your car? I have found it interesting when independent, mature car drivers can't cope with getting on a bus.
Aside from the snow issue I mentioned upthread, during the petrol crisis I was somewhat entertained by the number of drivers in our area which I had been navigating by train and bus for years with no problem who just didn't know what to do and were wailing about not being able to get to work, etc. Never mind buses, one woman I worked with phoned in citing no petrol and she lived 20 minutes' walk away. And no, she hadn't any disability, she just never walked anywhere and it didn't occur to her to try.
It surprises me how many grown adults simply can't cope at all when they haven't got the use of their car, (with the exception of those who live rurally). And I say this as someone who gets the fact that I am restricted by not having a car, and would like to be able to drive.
Having a car is simply another dependency for many who can't function without one.

Well, yes, there is that.

Well, that's an odd segue! I would "cope" the way I do most of the time - which is catch public transport and/or walk. I don't drive much, but I can drive, and have driven since I was a teenager and learnt to drive and got my licence. Somehow going through life and never learning to drive - whether or not you decide to keep a car - is to me odd. And as I said, fosters some very dependent behaviours in people I know who are already in many ways what I would consider dependent types.

I could exist without driving but my world would be very shrunken. Anything beyond walking distance in my neighbourhood would have to be done via a minimum of an hour walking, waiting and busing to the city centre to connect. Cycling is not an option on 40mph/NSL hilly roads, and I don't have a death wish.

To be a non-driver, you either need to live somewhere well connected or with lots of services on the doorstep or have quite a limited lifestyle. Beyond major cities, public transport networks are normally quite restricted.

Children often complicate life without a car. Once they're 5, the cost of public transport for a family rockets. Then there's logistics such as nursery drop offs and work start times that simply don't join up without car use.

If one of us became a non-driver for medical reasons, it's something that we'd have to suck up and adapt around. I wouldn't appreciate living with someone who was never bothered about attempting to drive though.

I've tended to find people that don't drive for medical reasons are quite practical about where they live. I have also encountered the whingy type of non-driver who believes that the world owes them a lift. I would not want to be married to one of them.

Because it's such a basic life skill and anyone who hadn't managed this would immediately give me the ick. Not to mention extra ick of always relying on someone else for basic independence. Just ick all round

I've not had a serious relationship with a non driver since being a student. I'm highly unlikely to have a serious relationship with someone who doesn't drive until I'm in my 70s. Other people can make different decisions. I don't want to be a chauffeur or the one always not able to drink

It's usually accompanied by loads of other stuff eg

"I don't drive dh Refused to drive me to hospital and wouldn't give me any money so I missed my appointment "

Or

"Made me get up at 6 to drive him to work when I'd been up all night with the baby and my c section was only three weeks ago "

Being the only driver and not being able to drive are both things that can be exploited but not usually a stand alone concern

news alert - not every lives in London with good public transport.

How do you recon you get to places without a tube and shoddy and infrequent bus services. I need the car to get to work (could take it but it would take 2.5h each way for an otherwise 30 min journey). Nothing is close by. Not having a car/driving are very limiting. You would need an Uber a few times a day as you will find is a bloody big inconvenience not to have your own 4 wheels.

and again, not everyone is in London? Do you live under a rock and don't really know that things are very different in the rest of the country?

From experience people who don't drive (as in never learned) have no idea how stressful and tiring it can be sometimes, so don't really see an issue with expecting someone else to do all the work (and pay all the expenses driving brings) I have a friend who cannot grasp the concept that her DP who drives all over the country for a living may be tired from it at the end of each day. They also can't fathom that it's really bloody annoying having to be the one who does all driving on days out etc so there is no way I would want to be in a relationship with anyone who at least didn't have a grasp of the concept

It would be a massive red flag for me personally.

I live in a small village. There are no busses and taxis are ridiculously expensive (think £40 at a minimum to go anywhere) so I wouldn’t date anyone who couldn’t drive as it would be so restrictive.

Then add to that - my job is driving related. And my hobby is cars. Sure I could teach someone how to drive (I taught my partner to tow last year) and they could then pass their test but its really useful to me that my partner is happy to drive my hobby cars. They aren’t really the kind of thing you can just let a new driver lose on and could easily put a new driver off.

I dont see it as a red flag but sometimes I do wonder what would happen if...
My partners brother doesn't drive but his partner does. I always wonder what would happen if she were ill and couldn't drive. Or if they had a baby and she went into labour etc.

It limits where you can go though. I love travelling by train and want to do some of the more scenic routes but regular train cancellations and strikes have put me off booking any of these trips.

We have one train an hour where we live, and there are regular cancellations. It is only a single track so one train being late has a knock on effect on other trains.

I hate driving but I drive because it's a basic, necessary, skill where I live. I also find it important to be independent and not have to rely on (patchy, Northern) public transport or for other people to drive me around.

I do find that many non-drivers have no clue how frustrating they can be to others. Many of them in my experience will say they don't drive because they find it stressful or they "don't need to" but then happily rely on someone else to drop their kids off, to take them on holiday to the Lakes/Cornwall/etc, or to "just drop me off as you're going anyway."

I grew up in a very poor household where we couldn't afford a car, so never had one growing up and couldn't afford to drive until I paid myself through it as an adult. I wanted that independence as soon as I could get it. If people actively choose not to drive then they're actively choosing to rely on other people instead - which gives me the ick, and is absolutely something I'd avoid choosing in a partner.

It was me who asked about that.

I'm more than aware you can get the train away- I did when I was a student- but then you tend to be stuck in the least attractive busiest part of an area. The last four UK holidays we have been on (Yorkshire dales, north lakes, Scottish Highlands, Snowdonia) would have been challenging to say the very least with a two year old and no car, and you certainly just wouldn't be able to see as much, and being arguably far less worthwhile.

The OP was bringing up that maybe having a car wash a status thing, and it may well be in the sense that the people she feels are looking down on her can't imagine not jumping in the car and going to centre parcs for the weekend rather than dragging bags on the train to great Yarmouth.

I also when I was in my teens and twenties would never imagine driving to London when I was going for the weekend but now that I'm in my thirties the train prices are so astronomical that I drive as it costs a third of the price.

I just wouldn’t want to be the one who had to drive everywhere. My husband does drive but I’m the designated driver on nights out because I don’t drink and even that gets annoying sometimes!

This is the main issue, IMO.
I will be flamed for this but it is worse if the man doesn’t drive - the majority of household work/childcare still falls to the woman in most families. If the woman then had to do all the driving, drop off/pick ups etc it just add more of a burden.

(I know there are those who have the perfect balance or the male DP does or all)

I disagree that driving isn't a burden.

It may not be one all the time, but if you're somewhere with no public transport and nobody else in your family drives, it can be incredibly frustrating.

Often the non driver will just pipe up with comments like "let's pop to X tomorrow" or "I quite fancy doing Y tonight" with no real concept of the journey or how tiring it can be to be the one who (yet again) is having to navigate unfamiliar roads, or who is having to drive after a long day etc.

And on a day to day basis it can be pretty frustrating to be the only person who can do certain things - obviously in places like London it's different, but around here if you want to go anywhere on a Sunday, you need a car (or a lot of money for a taxi).

we’re in London

The answer to all your questions is that not everyone lives in London.

My (now) DH didn't drive when we first met and it was a complete PIA. When we then moved more rurally it became impossible and he had to learn to drive. Now with 2 kids and living in a town that isn't London we run 2 cars and would find it incredibly expensive and inconvenient to attempt to do otherwise.