To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

We live rurally and there's barely any public transport so driving is essential if you don't want to spend your life in one tiny town.

I wouldn't consider a relationship with a non-driver as it would inevitable that I'd end up playing taxi and doing all the driving every time we went anywhere.

I drive , my DH passed his test but never enjoyed driving so only drove once after.

My MIL said I should “ make him” but I thought it was cruel . His not driving has never affected me, even on a long journey he navigates , I drive.

He gets buses if I don’t drive him.
No red flags

Why would they be amazed by that? It's pretty standard for an English city. I don't live in London and have that plus the option of trams. Although only one of the buses runs 24/7 and there are longer gaps after 1am.

I can't believe that someone who lives in LONDON had the temerity to post this!

🙄

Unbelievable! I'm not even going to justify it with a response!

I dont get it either.

I drive and have a car but I live semi rurally and am carer for my parents who can both no longer drive so dont have much choice. But my ex didnt drive, he just never got round to it and where he lived and the job he did meant he didnt need to.

I certainly dont see it as something my kids need to do as a matter of urgency, nor indeed would I refuse to date a man who didnt drive.

Driving is non negotiable in my book but then I've always lived outside of a major city. My children are both mindful of having partners who can drive, after all who wants to be chauffeur!

I cant believe that people think you can't go on holiday in the uk without a car. The uk has a great train network

If you're not in London it's a complete nightmare and makes you incredibly dependent on others

It is hard, though. I have already posted about why I don't drive, but I wish I could. It's influenced where we live, where we work. With kids, it would be a nightmare. As a couple it isn't too bad. Despite a pp saying about weekend breaks in the UK, we've had plenty, but only to places we can get to by train and/or bus. We need extra days off work to do it or we spend all the time getting there and back. It isn't the actual journey time, it's the changes, waiting at stations, etc. I can't imagine putting children through that, but wonder if they'd have got used to it, like us.
I don't see many people choosing to not drive because it is restrictive. It reduces your options even just for days out.

I have a licence but don't drive as I get massive panic attacks when in the driving seat. I had 134 lessons over 4 years because my dad was determined that I had to drive as it is a vital life skill. I literally felt physically sick every lesson I had and often went dizzy so my instructor had to take over. I drove a couple of times after I passed my test but decided to stand up for myself and admit to my dad that I actually couldn't do it rather than doing it because my dad was making me. I walk and bus everywhere. It has made a massive difference to my kids lives though as they can't do certain clubs and activities - which I feel so guilty for. We bought an automatic car about 5 years ago for me to go driving in and I literally felt like I was going to black out, so I then had some refresher lessons and the instructor actually said to me - I cannot drive and I am a liability on the roads. when I was a child I had severe co ordination issues so I have now realised I am dyspraxic. My DD is now 18 and has tried driving and exactly the same has happened to her- her instructor stopped her at 40 lessons and said she is unteachable because she constantly panics. I have no other issues with anxiety at all. I am a confident person in all other aspects of my life - I just cannot drive and I am unsafe behind the wheel. I have never told my DD how driving made me feel I just said I never got back into it after living in London so is very interesting how she feels exactly the same. It does limit us but I would rather be safe than risk mine and other peoples lives.

I have been looking into joint hypnotherapy to see if this would help. But it really hurts when people say I am lazy and everyone can drive because some people really can't.

All the LOLz.

I haven’t learned to drive because I wouldn’t make a very good driver. I’ve made too many unsafe decisions as a cyclist for goodness sake. I have markedly poor spatial awareness and no sense of direction. I also struggle to stay focused and “zone out” frequently. None of the people close to me think I should learn to drive, even though my inability impacts them.

I suspect that I’m neurodiverse and I have a few friends who might well be neurodiverse too. Three of them don’t drive either.

I've done it lots, but you are kind of limited to where trains and buses go. We used to do city breaks. I would love to do a forest in the middle of nowhere holiday, but without a car, you just can't.

I’m currently driving in Italy because my Italian DP doesn’t drive.

When you are driving down a twisty mountain road in the dark on the opposite side of the road you are used to after a 14 hour journey to visit HIS family you start to think yes this is really fucking irritating.

Do you need to get it?

I didn’t date men that couldn’t drive. I value driving as a life skill, personally, but that doesn’t mean that you or anyone else has to. We’re all entitled to our own dealbreakers based on our own criteria.

I will say I do think drivers who aren't reliant on public transport often don't realise what's there. I'm not denying it's more challenging, but I have never lived in a major city but always with good bus routes and a train station. One very small town I lived in, people, on hearing I didn't drive, said, 'but how do you manage? The buses are awful here'. Turned out they'd never used a bus, had no idea about the service at all. I did have one moment of smugness when the big freeze happened about 15 years ago. Really bad snow in the area and ice which hung about for weeks. After the big snow, I arrived in work, admittedly late, to be welcomed with open arms as the only member of my department who had made it in. All the rest were car drivers and lived along my bus route. They didn't even try because they couldn't get their cars out of their drives.
That said, as I said before, it is restrictive, and I do wish I had managed to drive.

For me, it would be like considering a future with someone who said he didn't cook or clean or do laundry or parenting.

We don’t all live in London!

My boyfriend and I both drive and have our own cars, and it would drive me mad (pardon the pun) if we didn’t. For a start, we both need them for work as… news flash… we don’t all have the public transport you do in London.

We do a weekly food shop instead of popping in daily/every other day, so usually come away with four or five big bags. We loosely alternate this, and it would irritate me if I had to do it every time cause my boyfriend didn’t drive.

Our weekends are usually spent at friends bbqs/doing a quiz at a friends house/dinners with friends etc, and they’re never crazy boozy nights, but people have a couple of glasses, so again, my boyfriend and I tend to alternate, it would annoy me if it was always me driving and he got to have a couple of drinks each time. All the other couples do the same, it’s not worth taxi fares etc as it is only a drink or two.

Finally, we both have hobbies/different social events going on through the week. He plays football on a Thursday night and needs his car for that- so would I have to drive him if he didn’t go? Or would he have to be that annoying friend constantly badgering his mates to drive out of their way for a lift? Where he plays, public transport would be a nightmare and just not really worth it. On the same vein, I have in the past had friends where they share a car with their partner, and often expect those of us with our own car to go out of our way to pick them up/drop them home after events.

To summarise, life outside London is a lot easier with a car each! It wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me, but I would MUCH prefer my partner to drive.

But it really hurts when people say I am lazy and everyone can drive because some people really can't.

Ignore such people. You are not lazy because you can’t drive. The same people to call you lazy are likely the same people who choose to drive to somewhere, they could walk to and back in under ten minutes.

You are being responsible and thoughtful by not driving and not risking your life and the life of others by being behind the wheel when you’re a liability. There are too many drivers that get behind the wheel knowing they’re a liability but don’t care because they think their right to drive trumps others’ safety. Better to know your limits than push them to appease people whose business it isn’t whether you drive or not.

Some of the answers on this thread are bonkers.

Non driver here, and single parent. Just to bust some myths here about non drivers …

I don’t rely on anyone for lifts, in fact I’d say I take more kids to parties etc with my child than most- I just take them by public transport 🤷‍♀️ .

I am very resilient and pretty much unflappable.

Yes, my DS and I do go on holidays using public transport in the UK and I promise changing trains is not a traumatic experience for him (love the poster who said they couldn’t ‘put their kids through that’)- we also get pretty off the beaten track. The trick is to have a massive rucksack, not a wheelie suitcase. Oh- and a brain. Funnily enough non drivers have those too.

We also go on holidays abroad, and manage very well thanks, without a hire car. We use public transport.

For the big shop, there is a marvellous thing- home delivery.

Yes, DS goes to sports and enrichment activities. We walk to them. We’re lucky we live in a place where that’s possible- but then again, as a non driver, I wouldn’t live in the sticks. (That having a brain thing again).

There are probably half a dozen times a year when I think “shit, this would be waaay easier for me and DS if we had a car”. And then I book a taxi. Half a dozen taxis costs me probably no more than £150-200 a year. I can’t even fathom how much less that costs me than having a car parked out front of my house for those 6 times a year I actually need it.

We do not live in London.

Reasons I don’t drive:

family were too poor to put me through lessons as a teen, and money I earned from PT work helped pay rent on the family home, so couldn’t be used on lessons.

Ditto when I went to uni. I was paying tuition, living costs… and also somehow supporting my mother. Driving was not a priority.

Then I moved to London and didn’t need a car.

Then I moved out of London to a place where I also didn’t need a car.

Insurance premiums where I live are crippling- I can’t afford to run a car when you factor them in.

The planet is burning. If I don’t need to drive, I shouldn’t.

I actually value the slower pace of travel (and the exercise!) that not having a car engenders. When DS and I are walking places, we have our very best chats. When I get the train to/from London for work, I have chance to catch up on work, read a book, or just rest my mind for a couple of hours- a rare thing in my life.

&c &c

…

Honestly this thread is just so dispiriting …

So you can rely on grocery delivery and someone else drives the train or the bus or the taxi while you get some work done or chat with DS?

Are your groceries delivered by a man with a horse and cart?

Why does that matter when people who drive also use the same services?

You live in a place with public transport system. Says it all. Would not want to be here with anyone who cannot basically function independently. ie transport themselves to nearest shop

When living in London you'd refuse to date someone who didn't drive? How completely ridiculous. (I'm a non driving londonder, as are loads of people I know).

Whether you're in London or not, learning to drive is very expensive, so judging people solely on that is hugely judgemental.

I don't always want to have to be the driver, so whilst not having a car isn't a red flag for me, not having a license would be something I found incompatible, unless the other person is prepared to pay for taxis for their share of the driving.
In town it's not a problem, but I like to get out into the countryside and have the freedom etc, so it is relevant for my lifestyle choices.

Also, some people who don't drive have an expectation that if you do, you'll ferry them around and give lifts, or pick up and collect all the time, and I'm not down for the imbalance there. Fine if you're ok to sort your own transport and take responsibility for the consequences of your decisions, not ok if you expect someone else to pick up the slack for you and go out of their way all the time.