Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be FURIOUS with DP

375 replies

PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 19:56

Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

OP posts:
ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 22/08/2024 23:34

Cural · 22/08/2024 22:02

OP, you are responsible for your own actions. Close the street door properly and get a stairgate. Your partner is useless, be a better parent than him, safeguard your child.

This is great advice 👏

BlackShuck3 · 22/08/2024 23:38

You are venting to us OP, letting off steam and using the release of pressure to help you put up with this man.
All very understandable but do you want to carry on like this?

Zingy123 · 22/08/2024 23:38

You both sound irresponsible. Knowing your child escaped once you didn't make sure the door was shut again.

XChrome · 22/08/2024 23:38

Businessflake · 22/08/2024 21:26

The real issue here is the father is negligent

Not closing the front door when you have a small child inside is also negligent.

Repeat; she acknowledged that. She is remorseful and has learned from it. The father, otoh, has no remorse for his actions and has learned nothing. He will continue to be negligent because he does not care about his son. OP, otoh, cares about her son.

tinklingchimes · 22/08/2024 23:39

PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:30

No just a prick.

Show quote history

You responding with that says a lot more about the situation and your marriage than just this safety issue. While my DH's ADHD meant the preschoolers weren't safe with him, he did actually care (even if he still stuffed up!).

Garlicfest · 22/08/2024 23:39

XChrome · 22/08/2024 20:05

He should be dumped not just for being dangerously neglectful, but for having the unmitigated, entitled gall to say his own child is not his responsibility. He's trash, OP. A useless, worthless loser.
Don't bother to threaten to leave him. Just do it. He isn't going to change.

Agreed! His defence was DS is not his responsibility - he's not responsible for his child??!! And is clearly very relaxed about potentially life-threatening risks to his child.

What is the point of him?

longdistanceclaraclara · 22/08/2024 23:41

Well it all sounds a bit shit but why can't you close the door?

XChrome · 22/08/2024 23:41

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 22/08/2024 22:55

I may be a complete cynic but I can't help but think that the DP could have done this deliberately. His reaction after the event is not one of a concerning parent. A normal parent would be absolutely beside themselves if this was a genuine mistake but it doesn't seem like he was even bothered his son could have come to any harm. I keep thinking that he perhaps doesn't want this child considering he says he is not his responsibility.

I do wonder about that too. The guy is not normal.

Original poster
PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:42

He would never do anything deliberately. This I do know.

OP posts:
Msmbc · 22/08/2024 23:42

My 2 year old plays independently all over the house without being watched at all times. It would be massively dangerous if a door was left open, she could easily get out without the adult in charge knowing. It's unrealistic and unnecessary to expect the adult in charge to have constant physical eyes on a toddler every second I think, and it restricts free play, which is very important for child development. That's why you have to ensure that the environment is safe.

That said, your partner sounds awful and useless and you and your son deserve better.

GreatMistakes · 22/08/2024 23:44

PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 20:11

He can be very old fashioned in the sense that it's his job to be the bread winner and provide and my job to look after kids and house etc

That attitude is shirky as fuck. If he didn't have kids he would still have to do those things. If you were a single mum you'd also be doing them. It's a lazy cop out for sexist behaviour.

Elderflower14 · 22/08/2024 23:45

longdistanceclaraclara · 22/08/2024 23:41

Well it all sounds a bit shit but why can't you close the door?

My thoughts exactly!

XChrome · 22/08/2024 23:46

Potterswheelie · 22/08/2024 21:45

For God's sake, he made one fucking error. An otherwise hard working guy, not abusive made an error. Now, because of this error, the advice is to split up and the child be raised in a single parent household with either a mother who's doubly knackered or a burden to taxpayers on benefits.
The advice here is fucking ridiculous.

Are you high? It happened twice and he has stated that he will not be responsible for the child. When he is supposed to be watching his son he pays no attention to him whatsoever. He was not the least bit upset about the boy getting out either. That's a huge problem. This is not a good man.

XChrome · 22/08/2024 23:48

TulaTilda · 22/08/2024 21:20

Wow.

Show quote history

The internalized misogyny is strong with that one.

GreatMistakes · 22/08/2024 23:52

PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:42

He would never do anything deliberately. This I do know.

That might have to be the thought that comforts you if you son dies, is snatched or gets severely injured.

I'm not being flippant but it's not about the door, it's the lack of care and supervision. It could have been a boiling kettle, too hot tap, a lost button under the sofa, a cord on a shoelace, a plastic bag....the list is endless.

It's one thing to leave a 2 year old alone in a space that you have consciously assessed as safe while you nip to the loo of make a coffee, it's entirely another to assume the environment is safe and not hear your child for 5+ minutes and not wonder where the are and if they are safe. It is a significant safeguarding concern and it is failing your child to leave him alone with this man knowing that he will put your son at active risk.

Original poster
PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:56

GreatMistakes · 22/08/2024 23:52

That might have to be the thought that comforts you if you son dies, is snatched or gets severely injured.

I'm not being flippant but it's not about the door, it's the lack of care and supervision. It could have been a boiling kettle, too hot tap, a lost button under the sofa, a cord on a shoelace, a plastic bag....the list is endless.

It's one thing to leave a 2 year old alone in a space that you have consciously assessed as safe while you nip to the loo of make a coffee, it's entirely another to assume the environment is safe and not hear your child for 5+ minutes and not wonder where the are and if they are safe. It is a significant safeguarding concern and it is failing your child to leave him alone with this man knowing that he will put your son at active risk.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes I agree with alot of what you have said.

I suppose it's actually a good thing that DS spends all of his time with me, I can't remember the last time DP actually DS on his own as it's a rare occurrence other than for me to look across the road, I dingo anywhere without DS. I suppose from here on our m inle choice is to continue taking DS with me everywhere as I will admit am uneasy about it now, the sheer lack of attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:59

I had been making plans leave for a few weeks but it's trying to get my affairs in order, I approached DP a few nights ago and old him I was unhappy, and the reasons why which I used that I felt he didn't do his fair share of baby care amoungst other unrelated things. He old me he would make more effort and we can work on fix things, he has been more helpful round he house and offering to help but his incident tonight has floored me again and I'm left feeling doubtful we can work in the longer term now. My top priority is keeping my son safe and well cared for, I can't even think what could have happened. It's terrifying.

OP posts:
GreatMistakes · 23/08/2024 00:01

PinkPeer · 22/08/2024 23:56

Yes I agree with alot of what you have said.

I suppose it's actually a good thing that DS spends all of his time with me, I can't remember the last time DP actually DS on his own as it's a rare occurrence other than for me to look across the road, I dingo anywhere without DS. I suppose from here on our m inle choice is to continue taking DS with me everywhere as I will admit am uneasy about it now, the sheer lack of attention.

Show quote history

I mean, I'm glad you see my pov but how can you stand to share a bed with a man who is so actively disinterested and unloving to his own child? What love and care can he actually feel and share? Like, honestly, what positive impact can a man be having on you or a child when he thinks his right to be right about not having to take responsibility is more important than making sure his child is safe?

You know how much you physically love your child, how can you bear to allow your baby to be around a biological parent that is, at very best, indifferent to his survival? I'm just so sad that I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Duckingella · 23/08/2024 00:10

ApocalypseMiaow · 22/08/2024 21:07

Are you sure he's not letting your DS out on purpose to punish you?

This crossed my mind too unfortunately especially that 2nd incident.

TriesNotToBeCynical · 23/08/2024 00:14

Is this partner really part of the human species? My recollection of 2 year old children and grandchildren is that you can't take your eyes off them for three seconds without them attempting something potentially suicidal. And definitely have the door of the room you're in closed.

Tahlbias · 23/08/2024 00:19

Leave him! Next time, it could be a fall down the stairs etc, and your oh will still have his face in his phone!

Waffle78 · 23/08/2024 00:26

Mine were escape artists both severely autistic. Had to keep both front and back door locked all the time when they were home.

HMW1906 · 23/08/2024 00:33

He sounds completely negligent and a pretty shit father if he can’t watch his kid for 10 minutes!

Kids are like little Houdinis sometimes. My 18 month old can now reach the front door handle and can open it and he’s tried to make an escape
for it….we’ve now learned that the front door (and internal garage door) have to be locked at all
times.

HollyKnight · 23/08/2024 00:34

I would leave. I really would. It's so sad when tragedies happen and you hear the mum say "I wished I'd left sooner".

What happened is not your fault, but if your little one ends up being hit by a car next time, you will so wish you had left this time.

StormingNorman · 23/08/2024 00:57

Goldbar · 22/08/2024 20:47

I'd tell him that the next time this happens, you'll ring the police and report him for child neglect yourself.

I would love to get that phone call…

And how did the child escape?

I left the front door open, officer.