To be FURIOUS with DP

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Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

"He is not safe to look after your son. Its just that simple. You might not be lucky a third time."

It's as simple as this, OP. This horrendous excuse for a father, who appears to have astonishing little regard for your child's life, can not be left alone with him. You need to work out how to proceed with this fact. I strongly advise leaving him. Surely any love you have/had for him is ebbing away due to this? Best of luck, OP.

I thought I closed it properly but I'm not 100 percent I did pull it to click and DS could have pulled it open. I don't know. He said I must have left the door open and I can't come up with another explanation unless DS opened it himself. He can reach the handle on his tip toes but he's never once actually attempted to pull or open the handle and even if he had done that it would be hard not to notice.

He sounds useless but I also can’t believe that you failed to close the door properly twice

Yes I have been feeling distant from him for sometimes for various reasons, this does feel like the nail in the coffin unfortunately. Though I do accept some responsibility for accidently leaving th door and not being more careful to double check. I didn't think and just closed the door on autopilot.

If you want an easy life, make sure you shut (and lock the door).

If you want to get in a fight, go for it & blame him for being more useless than you. You can’t shut a door, he can’t watch a child.

Keep the front door locked if you know he escapes 🤦🏼‍♀️

Close the door, maybe get your dp to lock the door from the inside when you leave, then text him to open it when you return.
That will stop your child escaping

Can’t get past him saying blah blah it’s your responsibility and not AS A PARENT going into complete hyperventilation about what might have happened. Is this a good father?

I disagree with the posters who have said that you should take responsibility for the door being open, it shouldn't matter what's going on anywhere else, what should matter is that your son is being watched properly. If he was being watched he wouldn't have escaped once, let alone twice.

In your position, I would make a note of these two situations, daye/time what happened.

I would break up with him and I would get some advice from a family solicitor to find out how ypu can ensure he isn't going to be able to have unsupervised access to your child until he does parenting classes and some sort of household safety and baby proofing course (children's centres often do them) as he's not being a responsible parent and your child will likely come to considerable harm in his care.

I think your DP is inept, I cannot imagine my DH behaving like that in a month of Sundays. However, it sounds like you knew this would be a 1950s set up and you have accepted it. You say yourself that he has a traditional breadwinner approach; he earns the money and everything to do with your DC and the home is your responsibility as the SAHM.

You have every right to be angry at his negligence and then for blaming you. But it sounds as if you walked into this set up with eyes wide open - he showed you who he was and continues to do so.

I think the door is actually a bit of a red herring (obvious safety issue that you know needs to be fixed asap), but if he's so unaware of your child that he can leave the house and not be noticed then yur partner is also completely unaware of him getting into other dangers. Stair gates and cupboard locks aside there are still a lot of ways a child can come to harm in the house at that age if not being supervised, one of mine at that age once climbed onto the loo and then up onto the bathroom windowsill in under 20 seconds while I was in the same room trying to fetch the shampoo that had rolled under the bath!

You know he can't be relied on so don't rely on him: make sure you shut the door - or take toddler with you, as you would have to do if you were on your own.

I voted YABU because you have one example already of this happening, and you didn't change anything to stop it from happening again. Get a stair gate on one of the rooms/hall and make sure your kid is behind it before leaving the house. And consider leaving your useless twat of a husband too.

His attitude would turn me right off him. What sort of father thinks his own son isn't his responsibility? Blames YOU when HE should have been parenting his child?

The only problem you have here is that you've become a SAHM to someone that you've not married. So you lack the financial security you'd get with marriage when divorcing. But don't let that stop you from splitting up with this waste of space man. He's no father, he's no partner, he's stuck in the 1950's.

Make sure his access is supervised, he is clearly CLUELESS on how to be a parent. What a prick.

All the best x

So, given that you have been feeling distant from him for sometimes for various reasons, (and ) this does feel like the nail in the coffin........ what is your Plan B?

Not trying to have a dig at you, but you are at risk. Post in Relationships if you need advice on how to get out 💐

DCat can open a door. DCat is 6 months old. He'd probably be better than your partner at looking after a toddler.

I may be a complete cynic but I can't help but think that the DP could have done this deliberately. His reaction after the event is not one of a concerning parent. A normal parent would be absolutely beside themselves if this was a genuine mistake but it doesn't seem like he was even bothered his son could have come to any harm. I keep thinking that he perhaps doesn't want this child considering he says he is not his responsibility.

Mine was like this. Couldn't have been anticipated it would be that way before the kids arrived. I actually couldn't leave my DH in charge of preschoolers and be sure they wouldn't get into danger or injured. Turns out he had ADHD. That's not to say the attitude that the kids aren't his responsibility is wrong, but I relate to what you wrote so much, are you sure your DH hasn't got ADHD?

The clue is in the wording ‘please watch DS for me’

He is not watching him FOR YOU, nor should you be saying please, it is not a favour, that is his son as much as it is yours. You shouldn’t even need to point out that he needs to be watched. ‘I’m just popping out to the car’ is the phrase in a heathy dynamic. Dad should then immediately know that he is the one on duty, he shouldn’t need telling that his child needs to be watched.

Stop blaming yourself for leaving the door open - the child was not in your care, it was his dads job to watch him and notice him walking out of the door.

Whether or not you left the door open is a red herring because ds could have been in the kitchen playing with knives and your dp wouldnt know.
The fact is you cannot trust the man to keep his own dc safe.

Ugh, who can be arsed with the 1950s set up in this day and age. How frustrating and boring. Basically a single mum.

Your son is going to continue to grow and will be able to reach the door handle with ease, probably fairly soon. Get his dad to finance a new door with his special career coins.

He's never once attempted to pull or open the handle because you have been in the house with him, he may be able to do it to try and follow you when you leave, it's amazing what they can do when they really want something.

We have to lock our front door now as our 3 year old can open the door, and we've put a slide lock on our interior porch door out of her reach because she climbs up on the bottom step to open the lock on that one too.

It really doesn't matter who's fault it was he got out, but secure your house properly from now on or it could literally end in tragedy.

Your DP sounds like a right useless idiot though.

He can be very old fashioned in the sense that it's his job to be the bread winner and provide and my job to look after kids and house etc

And I bet his pension pot is nicely topped up and his savings too.

OP, I'm sorry to say that I think you have been incredibly naïve. Regardless of what the situation you've posted about, please go and priotitise your own financial wellbeing. You need a job, you need a pension, you need savings and you need the knowledge that if you ever split up, you will be okay. You currently have none of these things.

No just a prick.