To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

Rescind your husband's invite. If not outright, at least in your head. He can enjoy his sport with your blessing. What he absolutely doesn't get to to is to come along and make things awkward and uncomfortable for you, or anyone else, by sulking or being 'to the point' (ugh!), making you feel uneasy or rushed at what promises to be a nice social occasion.

Take the children. Whatever you do, make sure they're with you so he has no reason to summon you or get in touch while you're having a lovely time.

I'd second switching your phone off or 'not hearing it'. It's not rude: what is rude is him inserting himself remotely via the phone, as you anticipate he might. I might be way off, but a man like your DH will likely be adept at exerting influence from afar if you pick up; just say a little something that'll take the shine off a lovely time and make you think, as if it was your own idea, that it might be time to wrap up early, even though the sun is shining, the DC are each other's new best friends and you and you're really enjoying the easy flow of conversation and just hanging out. "The chemist shuts at 2 today, can you pick up some Rennies on your way home as you'll be passing that way?"

I notice you enquired about how a PP who left her SAHP spouse is faring now. If you are considering separation, please be aware of how your DH's SAMH status, as default primary carer of your DC, irrespective of how supportive (or not) this role is of family life, will impact whatever settlement you put in place in the event of a divorce. Do you really need him to be a SAHP, especially if he doesn't even seem to enjoy it or pull his weight day-to-day? Is he actually SAHPing by mutual consent or because he feels it doesn't make sense to work / doesn't actually want to work? Should you feel you've come to the end if the line with 'picking your fights' and walking on eggshells, leaving early and doing more than your fair share, you may find that you are in a precarious position. Begin to gather evidence of your suggestions and discussions of him finding employment, of your enquiries into wraparound care for the DC; of your expressed wish that he seek employment and his reluctance to do so. It may come in handy.

Enjoy your lunch with your lovely DC, and best of luck.

Attend a private lunch the week-end to support someone's career? Should it not be enough to do a good job? Anyway the partner might have other social obligations so it can't be mandatory to attend or it would have to be in the contract. People have the right to have a life outside work, atleast that's what I thought..

I’m a woman and as of yesterday the only person working in our family (my OH accepted voluntary redundancy tk look after our small kids). YANU to want to go and YANU to want your DP to join you. He should want to support you and it’s obviously to his benefit too if he needs a selfish motivator 🙄

does he have an issue with your job or your boss? Is he happy to be a SAHP or do you think he might feel uncomfortable in that role? I’m wondering if there is more going on here.

I think for me it's worse than making an effort with relatives, (although I dislike the disproportionate pressure on women with that too!) because for one thing, unless you're banking on an inheritance, the prosperity of your family isn't dependent on that.
For another, you typically have a fair idea of what you're getting when you marry into a family, and can decide if you want that package deal or not.
To suddenly have a friendship with another family expected of you on pain of your partner not succeeding at work is different.
I also think involving children adds another layer of risk. What if the boss's children are unpleasant to the OPs children, but the boss thinks a lovely time was had by all, so next month let's go for a weekend away together! Do OPs children get told to suck that up for mummy's career?
Don't get me wrong, there is usually an inevitability in the odd 'family fun day', but that's a different level from OP deliberately trying push a personal more individual friendship for career purposes, and expecting it to involve her whole family.

@Maria1979

People have the right to have a life outside work, atleast that's what I thought..

This is so unecessarily dramatic. He’s not being invited to move in with her, just go for lunch as a one-off!

FFS.

Your last sentence - good point. Perhaps he wants to avoid work-related socials because, inevitably, conversation turns to ‘What do you do?’ His reply ‘ I’m a SAHP.’
’Oh, how old are the children?’ At which point he’d have to admit they are in school and he stays at home all day.

Really interesting responses…
I was the breadwinner and my husband was SAHP and I worked for a company where there were occasional social events.
This was normal. Sometimes DH didn’t come, but as a lot of us had small children of similar ages, we would often bring them.

The role I had meant trips overseas, late night dinners and events and working long hours. DH was always supportive. House wasn’t that clean, but DD’s were happy and well fed.

YADNBU
These events can very much be part and parcel of it all, and luckily are rare for you. I'm in the same position as you, so understand how it works.

I think your DH is being very unsupportive here, but I expect he enjoys the benefits of your income.

Leave him at home, and take your DCs and have a wonderful time.

I really don't understand why he would try to control them to not go.

Perhaps he needs to step up and be the bread winner, then he might realise how these things work.

@5128gap

Don't get me wrong, there is usually an inevitability in the odd 'family fun day', but that's a different level from OP deliberately trying push a personal more individual friendship for career purposes, and expecting it to involve her whole family.

But I don’t get the sense that’s happening here. The way I read it is that the boss has asked this a rare event and the DH is having a huff about it?

I Wouldn’t expect to have to attend things like this frequently but occasionally it’s fine. Like it or not, getting to senior positions in organisations is partly about building relationships as well as the work you do. Obviously its not mandatory for partners to join but he can join, he just can’t be bothered. That is very unreasonable imo.

everyone is entitled to a life outside of work and she is at liberty to say no, however, and thinks it will help her career so she wants to attend. Her DP should support her imo.

I can remember doing these lunches as a child and the chat beforehand about behaviour. Your DH should be going and being polite and friendly and you shouldn't be gave to be worrying about what he might say. Incidentally are you not furious with him when he messages you at solo work do's at 9pm telling you to come home?

Doesn't sound like your DH has the personality for 'work polite' social occasions and wouldn't gel with your boss even if he wasn't your boss and was just another guy, so him going would be flogging a dead horse.

Sounds like the kids would have fun though since you say they would be able to play with bosses kids. So his aversion to mixing work and social can be set aside as they won't just be show pieces being wheeled out for their good manners, they'll actually enjoy the occasion in a normal kids way.

I'd go and take the kids (and I'm not a fan of playing the game and schmoozing) because you get on anyway, but wouldn't let him be grumpy about it, he gets some time for himself - win win.

Most sahp parents end up with part time admin job or similar while the kids are small if they need to fit in with school hours. Many struggle to find such jobs as they are more scarce than full time, so he won't be the first to struggle with that until the kids are older.

He should be able to own up to any frustration or insecurity that gives him though because it's a really common reality and if he's bottling it all up then he'll just get resentful which is never good.

Good post.

I would not take my children to a work lunch, but then taking my children would do nothing to enhance my career 😂.

Agreed. And why at a weekend? Why not do it one weekday, in WORK time?

My boss has a party at his house every so often. I potentially live nearer to him than anyone else in the team, but I've never gone.

I have zero desire to socialise with colleagues' partners, kids (or dogs).

I think he’s being a knob tbh. He should suck it up and support you and your career.

Like it or not, getting to senior positions in organisations is partly about building relationships as well as the work you do

Why can't you build relationships at work, or at events in work time?

Perhaps it's just my interpretation then. I took it as the boss reaching out to develop a friendship, and the OP wanting to accept as she understands the advantages of being good friends with the boss. She hasn't mentioned any clients being present to network with, and if its only her and one other colleague included, not really a team building event, unless its a team of two of course!

It was an invitation not a command. And op thinks her children would enjoy it. Some people have bosses who are actually nice.

I'd tell my DH to do one if he wanted me to go to his bosses house for lunch on a weekend and I am in a very corporate role. That's my time, if they want to bond they can do it on company time.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sah to school age children, (esp if the wohp is away a lot), provided that said sahp is pulling their weight. OP, yours doesn't seem to be. This particular issue aside, he sounds awful - manipulative, lazy. Wtf is he going all day while the kids are at school? He should be on top of the housework and laundry.

But take heed of the warning up thread about him being the default primary carer, should you divorce. If you are thinking along those lines, you really do need to get him in ft work first.

That's why I put the last sentence. But saying that I was a sahm for two years and I feel I was lucky to be able to do that. It didn't enable my DH to have a big job it was just a job that enabled us to live in a council house with no holidays but things were different back in the day.

For those asking, I'm not looking to divorce him.
My question to PP was out of interest especially in terms of the resentment that got built in regards to being male SAHP, which I think might be an issue. I would like to understand more about that.
ETA: DH is prone to keeping it all in so he never talks about the deeper issues around being a SAHP.

The MN introverts and antisocial misanthropes are all over this thread! How dare someone invite a family over for lunch?!

To be honest we both work, but my company is pretty much work happens in work time (officially organised events are always in the afternoon not after work or weekends)
My wife is in a more traditional company with after work and even weekends events in the past (bring your whole family to a holiday place/conference centre in the UK for the weekend)
I thought it was ridiculous especially the full weekend, I did go along with it but I do push my wife to have strong boundaries on not working in favour of having a relationship with our kids.
Obviously it's a balancing act between finances and the important parts of your life, but it's got to be thought through.
In the end I think it's unique to your family, you all get to decide together, and I'd probably go but find it awkward. If your partner has social issues or neurodiversity it could be even more awkward