To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

This. Weird request from your boss.

There is a lot of ridiculousness and a very large lack of comprehension on this thread, sadly.
I am amazed at the number of people who think this is some kind of dystopian rule of work. Obviously, they are not in roles where this is a thing, but refuse to see why they are a thing
Sad, really

I'm not speaking from 'moral outrage' or any sense that 'family time is sacred' (actually that isnt even a considerstion, as im thinking more of those who cant curry favour by wheeling out their families!) I'm simply saying that i wouldnt want to be dragged in to support something i disagreed with.
No one's career should flourish on the basis of a willingness to socialise with their boss. This has harmed women's progression for years, and it needs to stop imo, and just because it's two women on this occasion doesn't change my view on that.
This doesn't sound like it's a networking event, just the boss trying to develop a personal friendship. Which could be fine, were the OP genuine.
However these faux friendships are problematic for all sorts of reasons. For the junior who feels their career success depends on it, for the boss who has friends with an ulterior motive, for equally or more competent colleagues disadvantaged by being outside of it.
I'm not so naive as to imagine that's not how some jobs work, and that its necessary to succeed in some sectors, but I'd not want to be involved. Saying that, I'd not choose a partner who was involved in it in the first place.

I think some people have clearly watched too much American TV 🤣 and/or have never worked in an office type job (where the reactions are more understandable).

This is fairly common. Bosses and employees do often get on and enjoy each others company outside the workplace. Some of it might be schmoozing in the sense that it is nice to get to know the real person outside the suit and desk environment but it's not like careers hang on having a shepherd's pie with the manager and their family. It's just something nice to suggest and sometimes being a manager can be lonely as we know full well there are people who despise us just because we're the manager.

Your DH sounds the sort who would consult a Union over this invite. Go with your kids, get him to drop you off/pick you all up and have a nice afternoon.

It’s really not weird at all. It’s absolutely routine in these sorts of jobs that very occasionally partners and children are invited.

Wives have been invited to their husband’s work socials for decades.

If he doesn't want to.go,.I'd leave him with the kids and go. You don't need him or the children. If you go.alone, you'll enjoy it better. I'd tell your boss, they already have plans e.g. birthday party/hobby/activity.

I personally wouldn’t go to any intimate lunch with a partners boss - as your DH said they’re tedious and always there for ulterior motives. However he’s no right to say you can’t take the children.

Am a bit pissed off with this idea that the dh is an 'ungrateful twat' who owes his ability to have hobbies to the wohp! He is looking after the dc - if he wasn't doing so, the OPs working life would be harder and they would have a huge childcare bill.

I have also been the trailing spouse and have done some of these events. But frankly, they were really hard going - it's difficult going in to a situation where you don't know the internal politics, you just feel under the microscope. I'm not surprised he said no to going.

That said, you have every right to take your children if you want to, and he has no right to obstruct this - not taking them would come across as rude and he really ought to understand that. You can make legitimate excuses for him not being there, but not the kids if this is meant to be a 'family' event.

if I don't take the kids, will I get a call to come back homr early due to whatever reason?

It's concerning that this has even entered your head as a possibility. As their parent - especially a SAHP - he should be able.to deal with whatever comes up. But it seems he has form for disrupting your work, if he routinely calls and.pushes you to come.home early from (rare) evening events.

He tells you where you can take your children. He tells.you what your bedtime.should be. He doesn't do his share of the housework. He's not even offering to look after the children when he's told.you to not to take them.with you (and it sounds as if he's expecting you to organise the childcare).

Is he trying to sabotage your career? Does he resent you? Does he bring anything good to.your relationship, or is he just a controllong arse?

I certainly wouldnt want him coming.to the work lunch in these circumstances - I'd be worried about what he'd do. But I'd also be having a very good look at his general patterns of behaviour.

But I bet the working father doesn't come home and do housework

Look, it’s a nice gesture from your boss. Don’t take dh if he’ll be a sulky bore. Do take the kids as it sounds as if they’d enjoy it. Do get him to drive you/pick you up so that you can relax with a nice glass of wine.

Quite

@5128gap

However these faux friendships are problematic for all sorts of reasons. For the junior who feels their career success depends on it, for the boss who has friends with an ulterior motive, for equally or more competent colleagues disadvantaged by being outside of it.

I understand what you are saying. There’s a potential that this inherently advantages some employees over others because their family completes the “People Like Us” image whereas others don’t quite fit. It creates an unmeritocratic advantage system.

But I don’t really see why this is any worse than going out of your way to get on with your spouse’s relatives, which is still more or less demanded of many wives. There’s some politics (small P) in all aspects of social interaction.

A lot of people seem to feel there should be this wall between “work” and “family” and never the twain shall meet.

In the world we live in I don’t think this is realistic. It’s an outdated model based on a traditional “boss class and worker class” setup. Nowadays the line between work and home life is necessarily much more fluid and flexible in all sorts of ways. Trying to impose a 1930s style “church and state” line isn’t really very practical.

I wonder if there are any men here who would think IABU, as I'm thinking most posters are women, are we biased? (Again, I'm only too aware of all the sexism on society which affects me a lot, but as DH is a SAHP it affects him indirectly as well)

Small and personal is horrible, full of potential pitfalls, probing and intrusiveness, nowhere to hide if you want to keep yourself private. I am with your DH, never a good idea to mix work and socialising.

I think I'll poll some random men off the street at lunchtime LOL

FGS

Well I am not a man. But I am the main breadwinner in my household: my DP works but I earn about three times what he does.

He would be very happy to attend this kind of social event (and has done).

I hate things like this TBH. We got invited to my DH’s boss’s child’s Christening years ago as a family. I didn’t know anyone and although I’m very confident talking to people I was bored stiff and so were the DC. My DH would definitely have done the same for me though so I went to support him. I just wish work colleagues wouldn’t presume we want to spend time with them….🤣🙈

An intimate lunch?

Lunch? In the day?
With the boss and the wife, their kids, a colleague, and your kids?
And thats intimate?

I'd hate to see what an actual intimate lunch looks like 🤣

Exactly this.

Make sure to do it as a reverse op. I'd bet the majority of males would have no problem if it was their boss.

It does sound like this isn’t a surprising or isolated response.

Of course he should go to support your career, however the fact that he isn’t and is telling you the children aren’t going and that on previous work evening events he phones to get you home is concerning and is controlling.

I am also concerned that you mentioned it was a battle which you wouldn’t pick over his say about the children attending - is he gradually eroding your boundaries, personal choice and your voice in the relationship?

If he is at home then why isn’t he running the home? I would understand if the children were not in school and home all day everyday but they aren’t so why isn’t he washing dishes, doing laundry and cleaning?

Some reverse and some not? And then compare results?!
If only I had the time!! Would be a nice little experiment! And possibly very enlightening

Of course it’s shit; work is often shit too but someone has to do it. I’d be really disappointed if my OH couldnt be arsed to spend a lunch being bored in order to support my career (which supports our family).