To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

Im sorry youve been through this, sounds hard and you shoudlnt be expected to fix someone else's problem and feelings. How could it not be Exhausting!
If you don't mind me asking, how long ago did you break up and how are things now?

@TakeMeDancing

When I was a SAHM, this was definitely the case with me. But then again, I was supporting DH at his networking events and doing more than 10% of the housework…

I completely disagree with the premise that you need to have a “supporting spouse” to have a career: I have managed without one.

But I do suspect that the DH probably is bridling at the idea of being arm candy at social events because he thinks of it as a “feminine” role.

OopsyDaisie it sounds a bit from your comments as if you're going to go along with his demand to not take the DC.

Please tell me I've got that wrong? Please don't let him dictate to you!

Would you be saying that about a woman? People on here always go on about how SAHM facilitate their spouses careers and how the man would be up the creek without them...

But he 'doesn't work'. I wouldn't be going to the lunch either in his position. The weekend is free time.

OP I think you have bigger problems than this one social event.

What is your DH really bringing to the table? A partner should enhance your life, be part of your team, make it easier for you.

I can't see how 10% housework when he has 6 hours a day free is in any way fair. If you have a cleaner, it's literally the daily tidying and laundry that he needs to do. Everyone I know manages this amount of housework around their jobs (many professional, full time, full on jobs).

You should sit him down and talk about your roles in the household and the value you both bring to the family/relationship.

Agree with this.

It does sound quite painful to be honest, but I guess you should all go. Your boss shouldn’t really have proffered the invite IMO as you couldn’t really turn it down (or go yourself) without causing offense/potentially harming your career development (according to you).

How does a spouse who is abroad 3-4 nights per week get on without a “supporting spouse” when there is no family nearby?

Well possibly he is, but that’s because society judges men who are “full time parents” (unless single parenting) in a way that it doesn’t judge women.

I'm taking the DC.
Will be as non-confrontational as possible though, because I really don't want to turn this into an argument because I think it so NOT a problem!
I will update near the date (hate MN threads with no ending! Lol)

I'd say he should be bloody grateful that your job allows him to stay at home whilst your children are small and you also by default fund his hobby.

It's not his decision whether or not you take the children. Your going and they are invited so I would say that makes it your choice.

Our set up is the opposite way round however I do also work but am the lower earner. I've been to a few social events with DH, which arnt my chosen idea of fun but allow DH a good relationship with his boss and therefore support in him keeping our lifestyle as it is.

This is such bullshit. Being a stay at home parent is not a job, it’s not work. I’ve done it, it’s hard in some ways, but it’s not employment.
I think your dh is being seriously unsupportive op. Sometimes we do things that are boring and we don’t like to help other people who we care about.

I've apologise for the way I put this already, it was a reply to PP about his "career" or something like that, but I agree ill put on my part.

Thanks for your reply. I was married for 20 years, divorced last year. A very long story but I was the BW for most of that time after DH lost his job when DS was 6 months old. Sometimes I was told during an argument that I could leave but would be the one to move out and he would continue to be the SAHP, this was why I stayed in the marriage until DS was 17. It wasn't all bad, a very good marriage mostly but he was insecure and financially controlling as I realise looking back (and my friends never told me that's what they thought until we split). Sorry I digress.. in answer to your question. things are great now I am still working FT moved out late last year and he is still in the family home for now but our DS is off to Uni soon and I don't have any regrets. Its not easy when traditional roles are reversed for either person but mutual respect is essential. Feel free to PM me :-)

Is your boss likely to be in Alpha man mode " So Jeff/ Dave/ Keith, what's it like to be at home all day? Don't you get bored doing nothing ? Talking of jobs Jeff, David, Keith....oh sorry I forget you're not working .ha ha Cue manly ( passive aggressive pat on the back)..blah blah. Women have put up with that for years. I can see why your husband wouldn't be interested in putting himself in thst position.

I’m so glad, while he doesn’t have to attend, he doesn’t get to dictate to you about taking your kids to a social event! It sounds an unhealthy dynamic with you constantly trying not to upset him, and him not caring a bit about how you feel…

Yep.

Smooching the boss? 😮 I don't think that's necessary...

OP, does he not understand that you'll say he's playing his sport but actually he'll be looking after the kids? He seems a bit dim.😅

@Pottedpalm

It didn’t matter that I sometimes didn’t know other people, as a functioning adult I can make conversation and often became friends with other attendees. Only on Mumsnet do people seek to isolate themselves from normal human contact.

I agree: I loathe this attitude of “me and my little family against the world” at the best of times. It’s inward looking and self limiting to think your social life is frozen in aspic because you have a spouse and children. This is a large factor in the epidemic of loneliness we see today in my view. People shun social contact because “my little family” and then wonder why people don’t bother with them.

But I also think it’s childish to think you can draw a sacred line between “family” and “money”. The two things have always coexisted and been symbiotic.

No one’s social life should pivot around their spouse’s work obviously but making a bit of effort with them a couple of times a year comes at no cost and will likely create a big added benefit.

This. Fine if he doesn't want to socialise with your boss but he can't say anything about you taking the children. And really you two need to sit down to discuss labour division in your household. I get mad at my DH for thinking I'm always on duty for the children no matter what day it is. I do think it's fair that I do wake up, school runs, laundry, help with home work, cleaning, dinner etc because he spends the same time on work. But week-ends, evenings and holidays it's still me doing everything. I would just like for him to pitch in more and not just treat me like I'm the live in nanny/cleaner/cook 24/7. Your DH lives the good life with a cleaner coming in as well! How can he watch you working and then coming home to do housework that could/should have been dealt with during the day by the adult staying at home? He sounds really selfish and entitled.

Of course it is work, just not paid work. Work and employment (or having a job, if you like) aren’t the same.

I guess being a nanny or childminder isn't work, either, then.

Work doesn't have to be paid or miserable, y'know. Gardening is "working in the garden" and thoroughly enjoyable for many people.

@AngelinaFibres
God no! My Boss is not like that at all!! He is very polite (so much so that my DH, who is much more "to the point", finds it "fake"). He would never dream of saying things like this, and I wouldn't want to a lunch with someone like that either!!

Well possibly he is, but that’s because society judges men who are “full time parents” (unless single parenting) in a way that it doesn’t judge women.

True. But no one is requiring him not to work. He seems to be putting very strict restrictions on what he is prepared to do and doesn’t do a huge amount on the home front.

I expect my husband to come to events that are important to my career and I would do the same for him. Yes, it's always boring for the partner but needs must.

This 👍🏻
We're a team and want to support each other.

OP your husband is being a selfish baby.