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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to refuse to work with my backstabber colleague?

177 replies

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 01:28

A few months ago, I resigned from a senior role at a company, marking the end of a significant project where I played a key role in rescuing a client from a dire situation. I saw the project through to completion, delivering exceptional results. The firm profited greatly from my efforts and unique skills in the industry.
Despite the challenges which were many, I recognised the importance of this project and found satisfaction in many aspects of it. This kept me going as in the office, and outside of the day-to-day project tasks, I was very unhappy. I endured a toxic work culture and poor leadership devoid of people skills and emotional intelligence.

Just as I was on the verge of resigning, I was blindsided by a colleague I trusted and believed I had a strong working relationship with. We collaborated closely, and I felt he valued my leadership and judgment. I was his sounding board for navigating difficult situations, and we spent countless hours strategising together. Yet, he was the typical self-promoter, taking my ideas and presenting them as his own in front of the client. The particular incident was a betrayal. It was unprofessional, nasty, and utterly unexpected, leaving me hurt and confused.

In response, I decided to go on my own, launching a business in the sector and building on the reputation I earned from my last job. I became known as "the cleaner" - the go-to person for turning around difficult situations.

When I left, there were no efforts to retain me. It was clear I was angry and upset, but I also sensed their nervousness about the sudden drop in income as the highest fee-generating job in the firm came to a hard stop. My departure announcement was likely seen as a relief as my salary was on the upper end of the scale and so it was perhaps a good outcome all around. I must admit, that despite all this, I thought it was a bit strange and shortsighted but at the same time, they have not been known to bother with retention on other occasions so not surprising either.

Fast forward a few months, and my old boss suddenly called. He was all smiles and sweet talk, which immediately made me suspicious. As it turns out, a client is eager to engage the firm, but only if I am part of the team. They want to repeat the success of the other job they've heard much about. With the right CVs on the ticket, my old boss is confident they have secured the job and are likely to start in a couple of weeks.

Now, I'm facing a dilemma. Since starting my business, I've only secured small jobs. I have exciting and promising leads for more lucrative contracts in the near future and I have definitely managed so far to attract attention from the right people. If anything materialises work will not start for a few weeks still. Money is a bit tight, and I can't afford a long dry spell. But should I say yes just because the opportunity is there? I'd be working with the same colleague and I can't shake off the hurt.

The Pros: Immediate income (only 3 d/wk for min 1 year, which is also a negative as I will need to find a filler for the other two days to maintain a good level of income). I will be further strengthening my CV and position in the sector and working with this client may potentially open doors to future opportunities.

The Cons: It's a part-time contract. But mainly again - do I really want to work with someone who backstabbed me?

I wonder how different would it be as a contractor, an outsider, avoiding office politics and self-promoting colleagues. What are the real risks for me here?

So, am I being foolish or unreasonable to consider turning down the offer? If I say no, there’s a good chance they'll lose the opportunity. Sweet revenge, or am I just shooting myself in the foot?

OP posts:
Movingonup313 · 22/08/2024 01:43

Sounds to me like a bird in the hand. What are the gains from turning it down....pride? I wonder if the problematic colleague would have been told to reign it in. Actually, does your boss know the real reason you left? Would it be worth fleshing that with them with a view to preventing a repeat? As you are building up your business, a three day sideline (even though its the sole income initially) sounds sweet. Is there something preventing these clients coming directly to you, rather than your previous employer? Id maybe make my colleague know that x, y and z will not be tolerated and your presence is essential - so watch it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 01:44

Whats your gut instinct telling you.

Also isn't there any other option other than those two?

Could you apply for a full time job somewhere?

Guavafish1 · 22/08/2024 01:46

Go for it…

forget the backstabbers.

MeAgainAndAgain · 22/08/2024 01:58

Might you start to feel like this again, or is the situation too different for this to occur?

“I was very unhappy. I endured a toxic work culture and poor leadership devoid of people skills and emotional intelligence.”

Because that shit is soul destroying.

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 02:00

Forgot to ask.. so even if I take it, do I challenge my colleague on the incident right at the start and share with him how it made me feel (minded of his psychopathic traits in play)? Or as rightly mentioned above, ignore and bury my pride?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 22/08/2024 02:24

Say yes - on the condition that you get to pick your own team/veto backstabber. Make sure you get that in writing.

Never speak to backstabber again.

ChampagneLassie · 22/08/2024 02:27

CoThe do you approach the client directly and offer to run it and hire other subcontractors to support if necessary?

Kellykukoo · 22/08/2024 02:28

If they want you back so badly, you have the ability to set your ground rules upfront. You only have one chance to do it upfront though so make the best use of it.
Think about what needs to be in place to make sure the backstabbing incident doesn't have the chance to happen again and make this a non-negotiable. E.g, you have to be present in key meetings with the client or be included in leadership meetings, or you have to be able to provide your updates on the project directly to the top bosses.
Focus less on the particulars of what your colleague did or which colleague did it. You risk being seen as petty if you you try to hash up old grudges. In fact, any other future colleague could do the same thing again to you, so your focus should be on putting the structure in place to reduce the risk of it happening again from anyone.
Put your structure in place based on what you have learned from the previous experience and set your working rules. Have periodic check ins with yourself to see that your structure is still serving you well.
Do make a plan for a graceful exit from the contract in case things don't work out so you don't feel stuck in the same old scenario.
Good luck!

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 02:29

@Agapornis thank you, but unfortunately that's not an option. He is part of the same package. The only way of avoiding him is by declining the offer.

OP posts:
creepywoman · 22/08/2024 02:37

To be honest I think you’re overthinking this massively.

if mentally you can cope with it:

You need to play these people at their own game. You go in there with your head high, and don’t even mention any wrongdoings against you. Act like you’ve moved on. Be as nice as pie. Meanwhile make sure you negotiate a high contractor contract and make sure you charge for every little thing. You’re there for your skills and expertise. Be super warm to them in terms of friendliness, but cold in terms of taking all feelings out of it and upholding them to your contract.

if mentally you can’t cope with it, then turn the job down

HollyKnight · 22/08/2024 03:04

You're definitely overthinking this. It's a hard lesson for sure - there is a difference between "colleagues" and "friends". A big difference sometimes. Your ex-colleague took the opportunity to do something that served him well. That is not unusual. You turning down this work opportunity because of him is stupid and will only hurt yourself. He won't care. It won't affect him. Nor will you achieve anything by confronting him with your hurt feelings. Take the job and treat it as nothing more than that.

ExtraOnions · 22/08/2024 03:05

If you are going to be sucessful you need to be able to let go of the “personal” stuff, and focus on the results and the Contracts.

If you are going to be going into businesses, you are going to meet a lot of arseholes, you need to rise above it.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/08/2024 03:08

HollyKnight · 22/08/2024 03:04

You're definitely overthinking this. It's a hard lesson for sure - there is a difference between "colleagues" and "friends". A big difference sometimes. Your ex-colleague took the opportunity to do something that served him well. That is not unusual. You turning down this work opportunity because of him is stupid and will only hurt yourself. He won't care. It won't affect him. Nor will you achieve anything by confronting him with your hurt feelings. Take the job and treat it as nothing more than that.

@bettysyourauntie reread this… I couldn’t have said it better.

Ottersmith · 22/08/2024 03:10

I would say no and then poach the client. You don't want to work with these people again.

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:12

@Movingonup313 they love him! He will never be challenged. Client needs a high PI insurance which I can't provide as a one man band, hence approaching a bigger and established company. The word that I am working independently has hardly come out so new business of the back of the original project will still track to them (at least in the immediate term). But if I come on board, it may also be the opportunity to advertise myself for future assignments.

OP posts:
Bambooshoot · 22/08/2024 03:13

Can you do the work for them as a contractor for your new business? Then you can set your own rate, walk away at the end, but they still have you on the team for the project?

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:22

Ottersmith · 22/08/2024 03:10

I would say no and then poach the client. You don't want to work with these people again.

Thanks @Ottersmith. See my earlier comment. But also I am still restricted by an employment contract from doing so at least for a few more months. It's pretty obvious that if I made direct contact it would track to our conversation and it won't be a smart business move on my behalf to be seen as breaking agreements.

OP posts:
bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:26

Bambooshoot · 22/08/2024 03:13

Can you do the work for them as a contractor for your new business? Then you can set your own rate, walk away at the end, but they still have you on the team for the project?

Yes, I will be a contractor for a fix term. I will make sure I reserve some rights for self promotion using this project to sell my services to other clients, but I need to tread carefully and not to play this too harshly as not to scare them also.

OP posts:
CosmicDaisyChain · 22/08/2024 03:32

So what did the colleague actually do?

CultOfRamen · 22/08/2024 03:37

You moved on for a reason don’t go back because the future isn’t clear.

you need to be brave and follow the path you chose when you felt trapped. Now that your not trapped anymore it doesn’t seem so bad in hindsight… that’s healing, don’t open the wound back up

creepywoman · 22/08/2024 03:40

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:26

Yes, I will be a contractor for a fix term. I will make sure I reserve some rights for self promotion using this project to sell my services to other clients, but I need to tread carefully and not to play this too harshly as not to scare them also.

Do you have a solicitor or accountant perhaps to give you advice about contracting and your previous non compete clause? Personally I’d want to make sure my interests were covered and documented before agreeing to anything. I wouldn’t wing this myself

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:42

so mostly there is more support for the idea of going for it and separating emotions from business. Fair enough. I am also overthinking
It, yes 100%, but I am scared making the wrong decision and perhaps losing on the other options
bubbling in the background which will only be confirmed in a few weeks. Is it 'better the devil you know' situation or 'grass is always greener' etc....you get the idea.

OP posts:
creepywoman · 22/08/2024 03:44

Well what can you do to give yourself some certainty and some confidence?

If your ex boss wants you that badly I’m sure he can wait a couple of weeks, don’t most people have a notice period? Can you push back on that?

Plus if the other jobs are made aware you have a big project looming that means you can’t commit to theirs, it might force them to make a decision faster

Flavabobble · 22/08/2024 03:51

I was very unhappy. I endured a toxic work culture and poor leadership devoid of people skills and emotional intelligence.
This is the bit that would concern me. I've worked in toxic environments, I can remember that sick feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach at having to go into work. Has the culture there changed?
From what you've said you hold the cards, surely if they face losing the contract without you, you can make conditions? Up your fee, have say in who's on the team?

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 03:53

@creepywoman all so true and I may have the conversation. Pushing back two week, yes possibly feasible, but I won't have answers from other so soon unless as you said I step up the pressure on them to move forward faster, which I feel will be bold and maybe seen as a bit desperate and I know for sure two people I talked to already told me no decision till October.

OP posts: