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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to refuse to work with my backstabber colleague?

177 replies

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 01:28

A few months ago, I resigned from a senior role at a company, marking the end of a significant project where I played a key role in rescuing a client from a dire situation. I saw the project through to completion, delivering exceptional results. The firm profited greatly from my efforts and unique skills in the industry.
Despite the challenges which were many, I recognised the importance of this project and found satisfaction in many aspects of it. This kept me going as in the office, and outside of the day-to-day project tasks, I was very unhappy. I endured a toxic work culture and poor leadership devoid of people skills and emotional intelligence.

Just as I was on the verge of resigning, I was blindsided by a colleague I trusted and believed I had a strong working relationship with. We collaborated closely, and I felt he valued my leadership and judgment. I was his sounding board for navigating difficult situations, and we spent countless hours strategising together. Yet, he was the typical self-promoter, taking my ideas and presenting them as his own in front of the client. The particular incident was a betrayal. It was unprofessional, nasty, and utterly unexpected, leaving me hurt and confused.

In response, I decided to go on my own, launching a business in the sector and building on the reputation I earned from my last job. I became known as "the cleaner" - the go-to person for turning around difficult situations.

When I left, there were no efforts to retain me. It was clear I was angry and upset, but I also sensed their nervousness about the sudden drop in income as the highest fee-generating job in the firm came to a hard stop. My departure announcement was likely seen as a relief as my salary was on the upper end of the scale and so it was perhaps a good outcome all around. I must admit, that despite all this, I thought it was a bit strange and shortsighted but at the same time, they have not been known to bother with retention on other occasions so not surprising either.

Fast forward a few months, and my old boss suddenly called. He was all smiles and sweet talk, which immediately made me suspicious. As it turns out, a client is eager to engage the firm, but only if I am part of the team. They want to repeat the success of the other job they've heard much about. With the right CVs on the ticket, my old boss is confident they have secured the job and are likely to start in a couple of weeks.

Now, I'm facing a dilemma. Since starting my business, I've only secured small jobs. I have exciting and promising leads for more lucrative contracts in the near future and I have definitely managed so far to attract attention from the right people. If anything materialises work will not start for a few weeks still. Money is a bit tight, and I can't afford a long dry spell. But should I say yes just because the opportunity is there? I'd be working with the same colleague and I can't shake off the hurt.

The Pros: Immediate income (only 3 d/wk for min 1 year, which is also a negative as I will need to find a filler for the other two days to maintain a good level of income). I will be further strengthening my CV and position in the sector and working with this client may potentially open doors to future opportunities.

The Cons: It's a part-time contract. But mainly again - do I really want to work with someone who backstabbed me?

I wonder how different would it be as a contractor, an outsider, avoiding office politics and self-promoting colleagues. What are the real risks for me here?

So, am I being foolish or unreasonable to consider turning down the offer? If I say no, there’s a good chance they'll lose the opportunity. Sweet revenge, or am I just shooting myself in the foot?

OP posts:
Itsarecipefordisaster · 23/08/2024 18:49

I’m a self-employed contractor so looking at it from that perspective. Apologies if I miss something, I’ve not read every single message.

I would bite their hand off. The end client has asked for you by name. That speaks volumes and, if I understand what you’ve said, the project won’t go ahead without you? So even if your ex-colleague did steal your ideas, the end client values what you did.

Maybe increase your day rate/estimate to compensate for working with this guy?? You’re in a position of strength here.

I see things differently as a contractor. Nothing is forever, I get my head down and do the job. It’s all about reputation and delivery. I really enjoy the different dynamic.

You know what this guy is like so minimise your interaction with him as much as you can. Be professional, think about how much you’re earning to work with him and know you have integrity.

This is an offer of work, it’s worth way more than an opportunity.

Mazanna123 · 23/08/2024 19:00

Will you be a contractor/consultant working via your own company or on their payroll for a fixed term contract?

WineIsMyMainVice · 23/08/2024 19:08

This is your chance to negotiate the rate up! They want you and they know that you know that!!
Good luck op

NellieJean · 23/08/2024 19:17

I know what’s coming so carry on but has anyone on Mumsnet ever heard the expression.
There’s two sides to every story.

Toptops · 23/08/2024 22:03

Be bold and hold your nerve
You have skills that are needed and highly desirable.
Don't go backwards.
I haven't read the whole thread but if you haven't signed a NDA, poach the client.
If you have, struggle by with minor jobs until you can.
Good luck!

sabbii · 23/08/2024 22:12

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 01:28

A few months ago, I resigned from a senior role at a company, marking the end of a significant project where I played a key role in rescuing a client from a dire situation. I saw the project through to completion, delivering exceptional results. The firm profited greatly from my efforts and unique skills in the industry.
Despite the challenges which were many, I recognised the importance of this project and found satisfaction in many aspects of it. This kept me going as in the office, and outside of the day-to-day project tasks, I was very unhappy. I endured a toxic work culture and poor leadership devoid of people skills and emotional intelligence.

Just as I was on the verge of resigning, I was blindsided by a colleague I trusted and believed I had a strong working relationship with. We collaborated closely, and I felt he valued my leadership and judgment. I was his sounding board for navigating difficult situations, and we spent countless hours strategising together. Yet, he was the typical self-promoter, taking my ideas and presenting them as his own in front of the client. The particular incident was a betrayal. It was unprofessional, nasty, and utterly unexpected, leaving me hurt and confused.

In response, I decided to go on my own, launching a business in the sector and building on the reputation I earned from my last job. I became known as "the cleaner" - the go-to person for turning around difficult situations.

When I left, there were no efforts to retain me. It was clear I was angry and upset, but I also sensed their nervousness about the sudden drop in income as the highest fee-generating job in the firm came to a hard stop. My departure announcement was likely seen as a relief as my salary was on the upper end of the scale and so it was perhaps a good outcome all around. I must admit, that despite all this, I thought it was a bit strange and shortsighted but at the same time, they have not been known to bother with retention on other occasions so not surprising either.

Fast forward a few months, and my old boss suddenly called. He was all smiles and sweet talk, which immediately made me suspicious. As it turns out, a client is eager to engage the firm, but only if I am part of the team. They want to repeat the success of the other job they've heard much about. With the right CVs on the ticket, my old boss is confident they have secured the job and are likely to start in a couple of weeks.

Now, I'm facing a dilemma. Since starting my business, I've only secured small jobs. I have exciting and promising leads for more lucrative contracts in the near future and I have definitely managed so far to attract attention from the right people. If anything materialises work will not start for a few weeks still. Money is a bit tight, and I can't afford a long dry spell. But should I say yes just because the opportunity is there? I'd be working with the same colleague and I can't shake off the hurt.

The Pros: Immediate income (only 3 d/wk for min 1 year, which is also a negative as I will need to find a filler for the other two days to maintain a good level of income). I will be further strengthening my CV and position in the sector and working with this client may potentially open doors to future opportunities.

The Cons: It's a part-time contract. But mainly again - do I really want to work with someone who backstabbed me?

I wonder how different would it be as a contractor, an outsider, avoiding office politics and self-promoting colleagues. What are the real risks for me here?

So, am I being foolish or unreasonable to consider turning down the offer? If I say no, there’s a good chance they'll lose the opportunity. Sweet revenge, or am I just shooting myself in the foot?

You are in the driving seat and can say who will work with you and dictate who leads all client communications.

ThistleTits · 23/08/2024 23:05

@bettysyourauntie poach the client and contract. You will be doing all the work anyway and he wants you on the project. The company would do it to you.

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/08/2024 23:23

To be honest OP, it doesn’t sound like you were the right cultural fit for the firm.
So I’d not accept a part time / fixed term contract.

I would however offer myself as a self employed contractor on a day rate with them on this project. And sounds like you could negotiate a decent rate if their client is asking for you by name. In my field senior / industry exec level specialists we need short term for specific projects can command £1-2k +VAT + expenses a day, which we happily pay provided they deliver against the client brief agreed.

Which leaves you 2 days a week to keep building your business in other areas with other clients.

Good luck, sounds exciting!

And my advice for what it’s worth, try to put all of this ‘he / she backstabbed me, the management lacked people skills etc’ narrative to bed, it won’t help you succeed going forward if you carry it around with you. You’ll gain the reputation of being ‘good but difficult to work with’. We’ve had a couple like that… good at what they do but ultimately they rub the teams up the wrong way.. so I now can’t be arsed to involve turn, turn into more hassle than they’re worth and my employees can’t wait to wave them out of the building on project completion day. And it’s me that has to listen to their complaining that the contractor is good but a twat.

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/08/2024 23:24

ThistleTits · 23/08/2024 23:05

@bettysyourauntie poach the client and contract. You will be doing all the work anyway and he wants you on the project. The company would do it to you.

Shortsighted advice. I’m guessing you’re not in business. If you were you’d not go far.

Dibbydoos · 23/08/2024 23:34

Up your day rate so 3 days is equivalent to 5.

Enjoy the project, keep the AH at a distance, don't share your ideas with him etc.

Go for it x

VickyPollard25 · 24/08/2024 07:41

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 02:00

Forgot to ask.. so even if I take it, do I challenge my colleague on the incident right at the start and share with him how it made me feel (minded of his psychopathic traits in play)? Or as rightly mentioned above, ignore and bury my pride?

Telling him how it made you feel will just encourage him to do it again. He did it deliberately to make you feel bad as you’re clearly a threat to him.

Take this client for yourself and forget returning to this toxic workplace. I’d also echo what some others have said - tell your old boss exactly why you left and why you don’t be returning.

Best advice I ever received - don’t work for arseholes.

KeepingKidney · 24/08/2024 07:54

If you took on this contract for the three days per week, would you have to decline all of your other possible opportunities or would you have time to fit in one or two around this?

I think you are taking the colleagues behaviour very personally, unfortunately there are self serving arseholes everywhere, you need to figure out how to deal with them (not specifically him) by being professional but keeping firm boundaries in place, no hashing out ideas and hours of conversations. Keep as much as you can to email or send a summing up email afterwards. Colleagues are not friends, always keep that in mind.

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2024 07:57

They came to you remember, this is an opportunity to set the record straight and given your past experience with your ex colleague, would negotiate better terms to take reflect you having to work with the snake again.

In your posts you’ve done a great job of bigging up your work and talents but you did an absolute terrible job of advocating for your self. Unless you can stand up for yourself, there’s nothing to suggest that the behaviour of this individual won’t be repeated. He probably hasn’t changed, the question is, have you?

Achangearama · 24/08/2024 08:13

Honestly I think you may find that this sets your business back.

When you set up on your own, you start to learn how to manage clients, your boundaries as a consultant, etc.

working in a contract for a very recent employer is likely to hinder this, as for all good intentions they will treat you like an employee - and you’ve not had the experience of being outsourced for long yet to stop this happening).

Personally if you can afford to pass this up - I would. Once the client realises you’re not part of the team this time - if the project doesn’t go as planned it will be you they come to next time (at which point it won’t be “poaching”.

Cherrysoup · 24/08/2024 08:19

bettysyourauntie · 22/08/2024 10:37

this is excellent and I wish I was the type to play it out like that with him

You’re a professional, you must tell him, but I’d suggest you organise a meeting before making a commitment, both with him and the boss, at which point you say this quite bluntly.

Apolloneuro · 24/08/2024 08:34

My opinion is that if you can afford to, don’t take it. It will distract you from developing your own business. Move forward.

5128gap · 24/08/2024 08:38

If the contract is dependent on you, surely you hold the cards? Could you not negotiate arrangements that protect you from the worst impact of working with the guy? Separate areas of responsibility, yourself as lead, clear agreement about how each individuals contribution will be presented and credited and so forth?

Geepee71 · 24/08/2024 09:19

What was your business plan prior to this opportunity being presented to you?

If you accept this, do so as a contractor on relevant day rate and agree number of days you will work over whole contract, then you could devote 5 days a week when you have no other work, if that's an option.

bettysyourauntie · 24/08/2024 10:44

@Achangearama what you said here is one of the main points against. I think it would be hard to shake it off on both sides no matter what the contract say.

working in a contract for a very recent employer is likely to hinder this, as for all good intentions they will treat you like an employee - and you’ve not had the experience of being outsourced for long yet to stop this happening).

I spend countless hrs in meetings and discussions with the team while on the project so realistically I should expect the dynamic we had to dominate.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 24/08/2024 11:31

There's a few way to look at this if you say no you lose out but so do they. It sounds like they need you more than you need them. If you go back tell backstabbing bastard your going record all conversations so you don't get stiffed by him again. They didn't try to keep you now sound desperate so it's fulltime or nothing as your business will suffer or you stay trying to build up to bigger clients but bigger companies will always want larger organisations to do bigger jobs no one wants to put all there eggs in 1 basket. If you got sick your business grinds to an halt larger business carries on without you good luck.

Achangearama · 24/08/2024 11:46

bettysyourauntie · 24/08/2024 10:44

@Achangearama what you said here is one of the main points against. I think it would be hard to shake it off on both sides no matter what the contract say.

working in a contract for a very recent employer is likely to hinder this, as for all good intentions they will treat you like an employee - and you’ve not had the experience of being outsourced for long yet to stop this happening).

I spend countless hrs in meetings and discussions with the team while on the project so realistically I should expect the dynamic we had to dominate.

The last bit is why I don’t think it’s right just yet.

As a freelance contractor you’re paid on a hourly/day rate (with boundaries set by you). This means that they should be considering carefully how many meetings they want to use your time for. This will require a change of the status quo on both sides - they will need to understand that your time is money, you’ll need to get used to not being involved in every single part of the job and internal descisons as you’re a freelance.

I genuinely would try and avoid it if you can afford it.

Bollindger · 24/08/2024 15:39

Document each meeting.
Email and get things agreed.
Cover your arse.
It take the job.as time can get hard.

Vee4 · 25/08/2024 03:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AmIEnough · 25/08/2024 08:57

Firstly, well done for taking that leap and setting up on your own own, it’s always a very frightening thing to do and takes a lot of guts. My initial thoughts are that you are absolutely in the driving seat here. They need you, they don’t need to know that you need them too, so you are in a very strong position to put in place boundaries and stipulate requirements in terms of what you will and won’t do and what your expectations are in terms of remuneration and working with colleagues etc. so I would put in place a contract which they need to sign accepting the terms so that you can move forward, give yourself some financial stability and add another string to your bow and a positive addition to your CV. I wish you all the best and very well done!

MadAuntie24 · 25/08/2024 13:17

Don't take the offer. It will have a similar outcome follow your gut, your 'other brain''.
Ask yourself " do I need to go round/up the same mountain ⛰️ again ? '
You will only suffer again and lose your confidence and all the new opportunity.
Trust yourself and the new opportunities in front of you.
You will succeed with new beginnings and get the new rewards

Be brave and keep your best ideas up your sleeve ✨️
Save the best till last and save the day in new and clever ways.
Good luck 👍