Is SIL being rude?

[amispeakingintongues]

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt.

Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited.

YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing
YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

Gosh so much drama. It’s probably best you stay away OP. I can’t imagine anything worse than sitting in some frosty atmosphere, being falsely polite and treading on eggshells.

It sounds like a situation where everyone loathes each other so you’re best kept apart.

And is your DH planning on going without you and the kids?

Could she have thought that you have a babysitter? It's fine for her to want yo go to a place that is suited to adults. It's fine for your DH to go alone, if that is the case. If it's a deliberate exclusion, then he shouldn't go.
I don't think that you should have pulled his parents up , your parents should have dealt with it at the time.

Can't your family babysit?

SIL can have a kid-free birthday dinner if she wants. Why can’t you get a babysitter?

Don’t know what to make of the drama between you and MIL but if I were SIL I might be looking for a way to avoid it kicking off at my birthday dinner.

And to add, even if she is avoiding having you and the kids at her birthday dinner to avoid conflict at her birthday in front of children - that's fair enough, she isn't being rude.

Ah well you offended her mum, people are not rational about stuff but tbh did your husband have to tell his parents that your parents thought they were rude once? Tbf they do seem a bit crazy so why would you care to go? I’d be delighted to be excluded from this.

YABU.

An adult is allowed to have an adult meal in a restaurant for their birthday.
She doesn’t want your kids there and she doesn’t really care if you then miss it by default, she’s related to your DH not you. It is what it is.

...well why would you want to go?

OP said that she has no other childcare where they live. It's right there in the post.

Why do you want to be there? It sounds like one to miss to me!

Your DH, SIL and MIL all sou d like they enjoy pointless shit-stirring

Well just maybe her SIL assumed that she had childcare organised - unless the OP specifically mentioned that she has no childcare BEFORE SIL said restaurant not suitable for kids. Sounds like it certainly wasn’t intentional to leave OP out of her plans

If you and MIL can't be in the same room as each other and SIL had to choose between having her mother at her birthday dinner or her SIL who doesn't like her parents then I think she orchestrated the whole thing in a way that isn't overtly hurtful to you but at the same time made sure her mother would come. It's hard being the person in the middle who is being forced to take sides. Doing it diplomatically and without hurting anyones feelings is almost impossible. Your DH on the other hand seem to enjoy stirring up shit when it's not needed. He knows his parents, he knows how a comment like that would be received.

Yes because he planned to go without me initially (which I was absolutely fine with because of all the drama)

However last weekend I saw SIL at MIL house and she said to me "i'll see you on Thursday anyway" which surprised me, so I later asked DH to txt her and check if he's expected to bring me and (by default) the kids. I was surprised by how amicable everyone was that day and maybe naively thought things had blown over.

Maybe I'm wrong.

No family close to where i live. Talking 3 hrs away.

Why would you even want to go. I'd be delighted at not having to.

I agree and i'm all for it. I don't particularly want to go nor do I love the idea of bringing my kids with me.

I would have just appreciated to be invited.

It wouldn't kick off. No one has ever actually said anything to the other person's face.

“DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion”
Was this necessary? Of course they were upset.

I could try and get a babysitter but she's not directly referred to me because invited to DH. She's just treating me like the woman who unfortunately is attached to the kids so by default can't come.

She didn't say you weren't invited though, she said the kids aren't. Surely you can understand she wants to choose the restaurant she wants for her birthday, regardless of wether or not it allows kids? You didn't plan to go anyway due to the recent issues, so how is she rude and you not going by your logic? Just be glad you aren't expected to go

Sounds like a win. You don't have to waste your precious time on the awful people.. And your dc are saved too. Send dh and have a fun night with the dc. Win bloody win imo.

I don't really.
But I'd like to be invited because I was hoping after last weekend everyone had moved on.

But if you can't go without your kids, you can't expect to be invited.