Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

[upoutandin87]

Currently on holiday with my family and another family (old friends) they have 2 older children same age as my kids and they also now have a 6 yr old. We have holidayed with them before but not since the youngest was born. Youngest is ND (autism and suspected ADHD). My son is 15 and autistic so I know about ASD but there DD seems out of control and we can't cope with it. She swears spits hits and throws furniture if she doesn't get her own way - there is no routine and she basically gets what she wants - she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her - if you don't do what she wants she kicks off so we have to let her do what she wants. My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her so they go to the beach and take my 15 yr old with them - I prefer being by the pool so I stay with them and my DD 17. We honestly don't know what to do as our holiday is being ruined by a 7 yr old. She threw my bag in the pool yesterday and I was fuming. We are trying to do stuff without them but they seem to be constantly appearing - they never raise their voice at their DD or tell her to stop as negative language makes her worse. Last night their 15 yr old told my son that she has been permanently excluded from her primary school and she currently has no school place from September - I was aware she has had several exclusions for violence but only short term exclusions but her parents have not mentioned to us about the exclusion. My DH wants us to cut all ties with them until they start parenting their child properly. We are only 3 days in to a 10 day holiday and are tempted to fly home to get away from them. I feel so bad as I am an SEN parent myself but they won't take any advice from us about maybe having a routine and setting boundaries. I so feel for them as they are completely broken by her behaviour but I don't actually know what I can do to help.

Really annoying seeing all these “as a parent of a child with asd” posts.
Every child is different and you are not an expert on this child.
You and your DH are not very good friends to this couple, do them a favour and back away and stop posting about their child for validation.

I don't know why people are suddenly saying this child has PDA when OP never said so. Besides, PDA individuals aren't typically violent, plus they avoid demands placed on them, not place demands on others and become violent when it isn't done.

ODD on the other hand...

Anyway, autism or not, OP deserves to enjoy her holiday with her family. If it isn't working out with them, it isn't working out. Go and have a separate one and let them deal with their family the way they know how.

The child probably needs more outsiders to tell her off since she's too used to her family and their authority or lack of.

That’s not how autism works

I have a dcwithautismand severe learning difficulties. He attends a special school. Over the years I have become friends with many parents of special needs kids.......I stay away from those who don't set boundaries for their kids!!!

The more you give in the worse it gets.

Can you move accommodation.......there isn't going to be a friendship left after this so you could bite the bullet and tell her how you feel.

she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her

She assaulted your child and her DM then blamed your child for this. Leave now. Show your children they cannot be treated like this by anyone and no relationship is worth this. May have been different if friends DM had stood up for your DD.

I have nothing to say about your friend's parenting because that's not my area, what I would say is your DF shouldn't have ever asked you to holiday together without giving you the heads up about her DD so that you made an informed choice. It's telling that her DH takes the other DC away every day while you stay and try and help. Move if you can Op or just don't be so available, no reason why you can't be out all day if it helps you to cope.
I wouldn't cut them off completely when you get home, it costs nothing to call and see how they are doing, but holidays and day trips- not a chance

This seems the best way to salvage your holiday. If it helps them too, all the better. (parent of a child with asd and adhd)

It sounds like a nightmare OP, but I wouldn't end my holiday early. Can't you just go out without them every day?

Holidays are an expensive outlay for some, maybe a once a year time where families get to spend quality time together and relax.
You've paid to go on holiday with not only friends but you're own immediate family and your holiday sounds far from either

How much quality time are you spending with your own DH/DC?

Let your friends DH spend some time with his family while you and your family go off and have a few outings, beach days or site seeing.

They have allowed this behaviour. She needs boundaries what are they going to do when she's still behaving like this as a teenager? Mine are both severely autistic non verbal I would never allow that behaviour. Are they against medication?

‘It’s likely that being on holiday has upset her routines’
What routines? The OP has said that this family don’t even have mealtimes - they just graze!
My non-ND child would have found that alone hard to cope with (as would I).

I agree with this tbh.

I'm sure you've heard the expression ' if you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism'.

She sounds extremely challenging but I wouldn't be in a rush to blame their parenting in other words.

It's not fair your holiday is being ruined though.

Firstly, you need to put your children first. In a nice calm way, you can exit the holiday. Lie if it makes it easier for you.

From experience, thinking that the child has diagnosis perhaps other than ASD. Parents may have been told to not react to behavior if it’s felt child does behavior to get an upset/exciting response from others. It’s a “any attention is good attention” situation, so it may look like parents are not setting boundaries but it’s just another set of rules for some kids. The parents might know from experience child goes into nuclear explosion or meltdown if “too highly aroused” by shouting, time out etc.

I am wondering if they have had genetic test to eliminate certain syndromes which can have very challenging behavior that is nearly impossible to manage.

The other mum is probably dying inside, thought could do something “normal” but it’s not working out.
Maybe can keep contact with her on SM, or when her child at school. Long walks or something.

Good luck to both families.

See this is what I don't understand. She only has outbursts if she can't get what she wants. Is that really ADHD/Autism or just bad behaviour that has never been challenged?

It’s very sad that your friends are obviously struggling with their child’s behaviour, however, you cannot change or help the circumstances if they are going to carry on as they are.

This is not your responsibility.
You and your family deserve a peaceful holiday too.
You were given no indication that this would be the dynamic when you agreed to go.

Find yourself alternative accommodation nearby and meet up with friends on your terms and only if you feel you can.

If I was her mum I would be saying to you please go and do your thing away from us as it's not fair on you guys. Maybe you are going to have to say to her in a polite way that you need time away with just your family and try and separate from now on. Honesty is the best policy. Never saying no to the child won't work atall she still needs boundaries and discipline regardless of her Sen. They are making a monster.

Why did you all sit in the car and not just get out when you arrived/drive off( not sure if you meant arriving or leaving)?

They can’t say no? Of course they can. It doesn’t exactly sound like they get a good response when they say yes.. so what’s the point of that?
I would move to another accommodation.

and how does a child that young know language like that?!

Meanwhile the op and her kids have to sacrifice their holiday in the process. I disagree.

Brace yourself for waves of apologists for this behaviour talking about her complex needs. Find other accommodation and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

They must surely realise the holiday isn’t working. Or are they just carrying on as if nothing’s wrong despite all these incidents? You sound like you’ve had chats with the parents about the child - has nobody mentioned she might be happier just going home?

Her behaviour is "not how autism works" either

Mu grandson is autistic, demand avoidance, adhd and other S.N's...hes violent at times usually with frustration but....he has basic rules and boundaries otherwise itd be hell let loose...we have to adapt the rules etc but we dont change the boundaries. Being spoiled because someone has SEN is making a rod for your own back. Tbh its holiday for everyone, so i wouldnt go again as a group if her parents cannot set boundaries.

Medication?
I also have a severely autistic non verbal teen ,very challenging behaviour ,he never been offered medication..

It’s something other than adhd/asd - I would bet money on it.