Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

[upoutandin87]

Currently on holiday with my family and another family (old friends) they have 2 older children same age as my kids and they also now have a 6 yr old. We have holidayed with them before but not since the youngest was born. Youngest is ND (autism and suspected ADHD). My son is 15 and autistic so I know about ASD but there DD seems out of control and we can't cope with it. She swears spits hits and throws furniture if she doesn't get her own way - there is no routine and she basically gets what she wants - she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her - if you don't do what she wants she kicks off so we have to let her do what she wants. My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her so they go to the beach and take my 15 yr old with them - I prefer being by the pool so I stay with them and my DD 17. We honestly don't know what to do as our holiday is being ruined by a 7 yr old. She threw my bag in the pool yesterday and I was fuming. We are trying to do stuff without them but they seem to be constantly appearing - they never raise their voice at their DD or tell her to stop as negative language makes her worse. Last night their 15 yr old told my son that she has been permanently excluded from her primary school and she currently has no school place from September - I was aware she has had several exclusions for violence but only short term exclusions but her parents have not mentioned to us about the exclusion. My DH wants us to cut all ties with them until they start parenting their child properly. We are only 3 days in to a 10 day holiday and are tempted to fly home to get away from them. I feel so bad as I am an SEN parent myself but they won't take any advice from us about maybe having a routine and setting boundaries. I so feel for them as they are completely broken by her behaviour but I don't actually know what I can do to help.

Yeah I dont get this either. Saying yes to her isnt exactly working either is it?

If saying yes worked she wouldnt be acting angry, aggressive and distressed so that strategy is clearly useless

There are no medications for autism.

Unless diagnosed with ADHD, they most likely wouldn't be offered ADHD medication either.

My son is almost 9 and we have had very few holidays, because we know that A) It overwhelms him and he can become completely unregulated and B) Because we wouldn’t expect others to just put up with any behaviours he has. We tend to do 1-2 stays or day trips.

It may seem easier to them to just let her do whatever she wants, but actually it’s neglectful and they need to seek support in other ways. They are not helping her to self regulate or to understand how to calm herself down.

Ultimately I do think it’s very ignorant of your friends to have not at least warned you. If she’s been expelled or suspended from her primary school, this isn’t a one off event is it.

Absolutely seek different accommodation or just tell them you’ll be doing other things as a family seperately each day as you are overwhelmed too.

I think you will find it can be .

So giving in all the time is a strategy they have chosen? Ask them how it's working for them. I mean it. And then tell them what everyone knows : ALL children need boundaries, rules routines and SEN children even more than others. My autistic but verbal DS used to throw fits when younger when he didn't get his way. We actively chose what battles to take and those involved eating on set times (blood sugar), basic hygiene, safety and respecting others: no violence/hurtful behaviour(if it happened he got removed asap, crying screaming whatever and to a calm place where he could calm down and where we made it clear with few words: you hit/push/whatever you're out.). In the long run it works and in the short term everyone gets a breather except the parent who deals with him so alternate is key.

Seems like your friends have opted out of their parenting duties (however hard they might be, been there) and you are ALL paying the price. Talk to your friend if you want to help her and depending on her reaction spend time with/without her DD..

Surely you can just ask them to give you some time to yourselves. No need to run and hide, just say that it is not fun for your kids to be abused when you have spent all this money on a holiday. If they take offence then you know the friendship has run its course.

I think the husband is a bit of a dick to run off and leave the women to manage his daughter. It can hardly have escaped his notice that her behaviour is put of the ordinary.

No they do not. That is not an issue that can be medicated.

At no point has OP claimed to be an "expert". What a ridiculous post, OP isn't looking for validation only how to salvage what is meant to be a relaxing time on holiday which is proving to be anything but, including her own DD being assaulted.

Because her brain can't regulate in the way a toddler can't.
I agree with parents when they want the classification back because ASD can mean a SEN school, possibly residential care later on, on a one-to-one, or even two-to-one care package. It is worlds apart from main stream education, social difficulties and masking, autism. You'll see on care jobs, severe challenging and violent behaviour with the use of restraint listed. This is the client base.
Unless you know that the parents are rejecting medication and other interventions, you can't call them bad parents.

I wouldn't holiday sharing accommodation with another family with one child with ADHD as it would stress us all out. I do think her behaviour being like this she should have prepped you better, it's sound like her DD isn't coping very well with it either.

I was middle of three and I can tell you that my parents parented very differently with #3.
He was more awkward, they were more tired had more money and less time, so he got away with things that we wouldn't have even tried on. He admits now he's an adult that if they'd put a foot down he would have probably stropped but behaved differently. There was no question with us older two whether the foot would have been down.
There was also an expectation that we (especially) me would give way to make life easy for everyone.*

Thing was, lots of people saw the different behaviour, and some commented on it to me (as an adult) but my parents would swear they'd treated him the same as us. I remember one time as a teen saying I'd had enough and on this occasion I wouldn't compromise, and dm saying "In that case I will never ask #3 to compromise again" and looking at her in complete bewilderment and saying "you never do anyway." And she was terribly indignant-but she never ever asked him to even when it meant the rest of us tiptoeing round awkwardly.

• I will comment he's managed to turn out a pretty reasonable adult, but he had a lot of growing up to do and especially learning that the rest of the world wouldn't compromise round him all the time.

You can't spend your holiday like this OP. Move accommodation if you can. Invite the two older children to come and visit for a day or two if you can as they seem no trouble. I think it might be good for your 'friends' to have one on one time with their youngest,, and the older children could do with a break.

It might make the parents realise that this situation is not working, although you'd think the son needing a lock on his door and considering living with someone else might have done that already, but apparently not given they gave you no warning of the extent of the behaviour.

Well I disagree about the meds issue, but in any event the child needs to be housed in a secure setting as they appear to be a danger to others and probably themselves.

Precisely. May as well say no and deal with the same result! And at least put some boundaries down.
I’d like to what what the mother did when her young child called another child a FB. In ten years time she may meet her match and saying stuff like that could get her in a whole heap of trouble.

In her first post she' said her son ia autistic .so knows about autism
But that's the thing what works for one child with autism doesn't for another.

It's such a double edged sword.

On the one hand it's much easier and feels kinder to give in to save watching your child so distressed.

On the other hand in the long term it's likely to be detrimental.

Of course there is children with severe send who don't understand. You have to still try through showing them action and consequence or what happens when they are large teen, adult? Sadly we know there are children with send who become adults and end up in secure units because they don't learn. My heart goes out to those families for the years of effort to give their child a chance at adulthood.

But there's also the children who could learn but aren't given the opportunity. You are doing no favours to someone who thinks that slapping the woman in the coffee shop because you couldn't just help yourself to everything is ok. You actually shut down their lives and institutionalise them because they end up not being able to access the community. It's harder to change an adults behaviour that's set than a child's who is still developing and learning. It's only fair to give children the chance to learn to emotionally regulate. Understand no. Understand routines. Understand routines can sometimes go "oops". We can't protect them from the realities of the world.
We have to sept to help them manage but also help them to adapt and manage.

All humans need to adapt to the environment they are in. We should give those with disabilities the adjustments they need to do this. But we shouldn't give the, a false sense of the world as we are then setting them up to fail.

This poor girl is currently being set up to fail. That's so unfair on her. Especially because everyone will remember this holiday as the one where she did x,y and z because she hasn't been supported to manage her behaviour or the environment.

That’s not fair. It’s not ok to put other people in a difficult environment and not be upfront about it.

And perhaps the are following the neurodisability specialist Paediatrician's advice. Different autistic children have different needs and challenges and need different strategies. Bit off for strangers on the internet to think they know best.

Hilarious, you have no idea do you !
Also what kind of medication do you think she needs?

Sedation meds.

Stopn it your embarrassing yourself.

There is empathy, and then there is honesty and responsibility. They have not been honest with the Op regarding the likely difficulties. And if the father is p**ng off to the beach and leaving his daughter back at the villa with mum and Op, then that is beyond CF behaviour. It is THEIR responsibility to deal with her behaviour, not yours to 'empathise'. This must also be quite horrible for this little girl too.

I would have a serious conversation about how this is no longer a joint holiday and that you cannot take responsibility for their child. Tbh, THEY should be the ones leaving, not the Op.

So judgemental. We have no idea of DCs needs or where her parents strategies come from. DC may lack developmental capacity to behave more adaptively. SEND parents have enough to contend with without being pilloried by randoms on the internet.

Truth can be uncomfortable