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Original poster

Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

436 replies

upoutandin87 · 21/08/2024 15:54

Currently on holiday with my family and another family (old friends) they have 2 older children same age as my kids and they also now have a 6 yr old. We have holidayed with them before but not since the youngest was born. Youngest is ND (autism and suspected ADHD). My son is 15 and autistic so I know about ASD but there DD seems out of control and we can't cope with it. She swears spits hits and throws furniture if she doesn't get her own way - there is no routine and she basically gets what she wants - she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her - if you don't do what she wants she kicks off so we have to let her do what she wants. My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her so they go to the beach and take my 15 yr old with them - I prefer being by the pool so I stay with them and my DD 17. We honestly don't know what to do as our holiday is being ruined by a 7 yr old. She threw my bag in the pool yesterday and I was fuming. We are trying to do stuff without them but they seem to be constantly appearing - they never raise their voice at their DD or tell her to stop as negative language makes her worse. Last night their 15 yr old told my son that she has been permanently excluded from her primary school and she currently has no school place from September - I was aware she has had several exclusions for violence but only short term exclusions but her parents have not mentioned to us about the exclusion. My DH wants us to cut all ties with them until they start parenting their child properly. We are only 3 days in to a 10 day holiday and are tempted to fly home to get away from them. I feel so bad as I am an SEN parent myself but they won't take any advice from us about maybe having a routine and setting boundaries. I so feel for them as they are completely broken by her behaviour but I don't actually know what I can do to help.

OP posts:
Soccergearmissingagain · 27/08/2024 01:32

bakebeans · 26/08/2024 21:13

I’m confused. Why can’t they say no to her? That’s not going help the situation. She knows if she screams and shouts loud enough she will get her way.

But you're making the assumption that saying no will, in time, cause the child to modify her behaviour and become more malleable.

That doesn't always happen. We know this child is autistic. If she has something like PDA then saying no (at least directly) could make things much worse - and not just in the short term. It's an anxiety disorder.

Her parents have two older children who don't appear to have behavioural problems. It is almost certain that they are familiar with the usual parenting strategies and very probable that they did at first say no to her. They may have learned that what worked with their other children simply didn't work wirh their youngest.
It's common when parenting a ND child to find that the usual methods of parenting just don't work and to struggle to find strategies that work better.

GivingitToGod · 27/08/2024 11:25

Irisginger · 26/08/2024 20:44

Yes, plenty of us who smuggly assumed our children were decently behaved due to our superior parenting, ability to hold boundaries, [insert phrase of your choice], got our comeuppance with a disabled child later down the tracks. Very different scenario. Lots of people seem to assume that every child can be 'normal' if they are parented in the right way. It's like people struggle to understand what having different capacities actually is.

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🙏

GivingitToGod · 27/08/2024 11:28

ThePure · 23/08/2024 08:44

We have a young family member who has PDD in the context of a genetic syndrome. It is incredibly hard for his parents and sibling. It impacts every aspect of their lives. He is regularly excluded from school but has been denied funding for a special school. Even most special schools will not take him as he has normal intelligence despite his extremely challenging behaviour.

The description that a PP put of Timmy is a lot like his behaviour. Being asked to do or to stop doing something triggers an almighty meltdown which, as he gets older, is actually dangerous. His parents are covered in scratches bruises and bit marks. He has smashed up their house pretty comprehensively too eg games console controller through the TV screen, holes in the walls.

I would love to be able to babysit to give his parents a break but honestly I don't know if I could manage it. I have offered to try and to follow their strategies but his parents feel he really can't be left with anyone else. I usually end up just taking his sibling instead which is nice for them but doesn't help his parents.

Trying to include him in family events is challenging. Going out for a meal or staying in a hotel is close to impossible. A picnic outside or camping is more likely to be successful. Even inviting to our house carries a risk of my kids stuff (or actually my kids) getting smashed up.

They don't try to get him to sit at the table, eat any food he doesn't want (resulting in all beige diet), wear appropriate clothes or say please and thank you and this is understood as rudeness by older relatives I'm afraid. He spends a lot of time gaming and watching YouTube videos on topics he is obsessed about on a loop and being asked to do anything different to that is a problem. The description of 'Timmy' throwing something in the pool the next visit rings a bell. Our relative will often seem to do stuff that js provocative even when appearing calm and it does look deliberate. I can try to understand that but my kids really don't.

I do understand that the best way to manage him is to reduce demands but what is needed is so different to 'normal life' that I do wonder how will he ever manage to function when he grows up because the world is full of demands. I just hope he can learn strategies to cope in the end.

If anyone who lives with this can suggest what they would find helpful for a family member to do I'd be interested as I hate to see them suffer but am stumped as to how to help. They don't want to talk about it. I think they feel disloyal to complain about their son. They often decline invites or offers that I make and don't suggest what would be more helpful. They have said it's such a struggle day to day that offers of visits or days out are just more stress but it results in their lives being very constrained. They do accept my taking his sibling out but then I feel bad for leaving out the SEN kid but they say he prefers to stay home anyway.

The world needs more people like you

JenniferBooth · 27/08/2024 14:15

Her parents have two older children who don't appear to have behavioural problems
which includes one who has a lock on his bedroom door and wants to go and live with his grandmother.

Axelotylbottle · 27/08/2024 14:45

Soccergearmissingagain · 25/08/2024 11:47

I think you're projecting a lot there @Axelotylbottle.

I obviously don't know this family, but most parents try to consider all their children's needs. That they may be failing in these circumstances may be a reflection of how challenging their daughter's disability is, rather than their incompetence or laziness as parents. It is very easy to judge.

I know my own autistic DC finds holidays or days out challenging, but he also loves them and looks forward to them. His behaviour on holiday is quite a bit more difficult to manage than it is at home, but it isn't fair on him or on his siblings to stay home all the time just because it's less stressful for me as a parent.

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I'm not talking about the parents. The parents in this case have recognised the problems and have decided not to stay on the complex during the day as a result. I'm talking about a lot of the comments on here which focus on the needs of one child to the exclusion of everyone else. There needs to be some balance.

To be fair to the parents in this case, they do seem to be trying to adjust now they've realised how difficult their youngest child is finding the situation.

PlacidPenelope · 27/08/2024 15:18

I'm not talking about the parents. The parents in this case have recognised the problems and have decided not to stay on the complex during the day as a result. I'm talking about a lot of the comments on here which focus on the needs of one child to the exclusion of everyone else. There needs to be some balance.

To be fair to the parents in this case, they do seem to be trying to adjust now they've realised how difficult their youngest child is finding the situation.

I disagree that the reason the parents decided not to stay on the complex during the day is due to them recognising the problems for the child I surmise it is because, as the OP has said, several other guests have complained about them whether that is to them directly or to hotel management or both I don't know.

Axelotylbottle · 27/08/2024 15:47

PlacidPenelope · 27/08/2024 15:18

I'm not talking about the parents. The parents in this case have recognised the problems and have decided not to stay on the complex during the day as a result. I'm talking about a lot of the comments on here which focus on the needs of one child to the exclusion of everyone else. There needs to be some balance.

To be fair to the parents in this case, they do seem to be trying to adjust now they've realised how difficult their youngest child is finding the situation.

I disagree that the reason the parents decided not to stay on the complex during the day is due to them recognising the problems for the child I surmise it is because, as the OP has said, several other guests have complained about them whether that is to them directly or to hotel management or both I don't know.

You might be right.

JaneFallow · 27/08/2024 15:59

JenniferBooth · 27/08/2024 14:15

Her parents have two older children who don't appear to have behavioural problems
which includes one who has a lock on his bedroom door and wants to go and live with his grandmother.

Yes clearly they should have thought about that before they put their name down for a disabled child, the irresponsible feckers. Not like you and your nice family. Well done.

JenniferBooth · 27/08/2024 16:48

JaneFallow · 27/08/2024 15:59

Yes clearly they should have thought about that before they put their name down for a disabled child, the irresponsible feckers. Not like you and your nice family. Well done.

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The future??

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5151149-i-dont-want-to-be-a-carer?page=1 Even more likely when the siblings are sidelined.

I don't want to be a carer | Mumsnet

Younger sibling has extreme physical and mental disabilities. Lives in supported living but with health deterioration this looks unlikely to be availa...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5151149-i-dont-want-to-be-a-carer?page=1

Soccergearmissingagain · 27/08/2024 17:25

Why have you linked that @JenniferBooth?
I don't follow.

YankSplaining · 31/08/2024 04:06

So how did the rest of the holiday turn out!

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