To be in tears over how destructive my 2.5 year old is?

[AngeloMysterioso]

So far today, he has:

-Smashed a soap dispenser bottle I bought three weeks ago to replace the last soap dispenser bottle he smashed

-Opened a new packet of wet wipes and pulled out every single one

-Got all the bagged toys out of the toy box (I separate things like puzzle pieces, little toy cars, wooden blocks etc into the big zip lock bags so they’re easy to find) opened every single bag and chucked the contents on the floor (without playing with any of them)

-Opened a new storage box I bought last week for his toy trains, emptied it all over the floor, and then jumped up and down on the empty box until it cracked and broke

-Poured fruit juice all over the coffee table and splashed it everywhere with his hands, so now it’s also all over the carpet

-Taken all the sofa cushions off the sofa, unzipped the covers and pulled all the stuffing out.

I just sat down and wept. We’ve got a very small home and three DC, and I’ve been working so hard to make it a nice space for us in spite of how cramped it is, but my day to day existence just seems to be going from one mess or broken thing to another. I just feel like giving up.

@IcyOpalTiger get over yourself.

Shit happens when you only have one kid. That shit increases exponentially when you have 3 , especially when they are a 4yo ,a toddler and a baby.

Life still happens, illness, exploding nappies , chores etc.

She can't parent the toddler as if he was a single child. She just can't. She also wasn't lucky enough to have a chilled , easy, happy to drag a trainer around for hours or do a sticker book kid.

Just... get over yourself .

As to the actual question posed based on what I've read

I'm not sure unreasonableble is the correct word, delusionsal seems to fit better Because honestly, what did you think your day to day life would look with a 4y 2y and 9 mnth old?
Toys all over the floor, spilled juice on carpets and broken belongings didn't occur to you as something you might have to navigate?

I'm not even being snarky, I'm genuinely confused?

Because you also seem very insulted by the very reasonable suggestion that you are perhaps leaving the toddler un supervised for too long, am I missing something here?

My boy is very very similar OP. He was diagnosed at 5 with ADHD. Quite severe. He just likes complete destruction. Like you say, not even playing with the toys he’s just tipped absolutely everywhere. He just seems to like the mess and chaos. He’s loud, he’s fast, he’s frantic but my god I love him. Completely different parenting to what I did with my daughter. Some days I just go to my mum’s and cry. I’m just chasing my tail all.flippin.day.
Exhausting. Have you been to see a doctor or paediatrician?

Oh look at that. I was right 😂

No advice but I have a son who hurt himself so badly that he was in hospital for a week. He require ongoing visits for 6 months after. I was told by the hospital to strap him into a high chair or put him under my foot when he managed to climb out of the high chair. I stopped being able to poo as he used to scream and bite everytime I went to the toilet. The health visitor came to do a safety visit and said she didn’t know how I managed. Several years on I get daily compliments on his behaviour and intellect. But I still struggle with constipation 🤣.
im so sorry you are having a hard time!!

I think this is true but he’s also old enough to begin learning about other aspects of life, such as cause and effect and that ruining the carpet and smashing the soap dispenser makes mummy sad. At 18 months I could understand it, but he does sound a bit old now to be totally oblivious to how his behaviour impacts on the world around him.

I understand it must be exhausting oP and so tempting to lose your temper; but I would sit him down as calmly as you can and talk it through with him. “ Do you see how the juice has gone all over the carpet? How do we fix that? When you make mess like that, it can leave marks that don’t go.” Yes at first he may be baffled, but that’s how you teach them. Consequences is a good lesson for children. Some people think that means punishment but it need not; it’s just thinking two steps ahead instead of one - which is a good skill for life. If the wipes aren’t in the pack, they get dirty and dried out. Then they aren’t useful. At 2.5 he should be ready to start being told some of these things, even if he doesn’t immediately grasp it. Who knows, it may provide enough stimulation to distract him from the antics a bit.

@AngeloMysterioso You are missing the point. How has DC got hold of the wet wipes? Why were they not out of reach? Several bags and boxes of toys available at the same time? Why? Only one set of toys at a time. All toys to be in plastic boxes with lids that a toddler cannot open or break. Honestly, a few adjustments will make life so much easier . No juice other than at mealtimes. Dc and the dentist will thank you.

When you decide to have several dc under 5 who need attention, of course it’s difficult to control them all when one, a baby, needs more attention. However baby should sleep! Doesn’t need nappies changed every hour or feeding all the time. Get dc a bit more on side by limiting what’s available to them. Why can’t older dc be colouring? Shut the doors and limit where they go.

I would never have wet play inside but play doh or building kits work really well. Try and limit toys if they are not getting used for play. Get in some large cardboard boxes. Make a den. Try encouraging imaginative play with a few toys and keep dc with you when feeding. I changed dc in the kitchen as babies! A bit of creative thinking goes a long way!

I don’t think most 2 year olds remotely care about a carpet. Just don’t fine them the juice!

I remember my Nan telling me she tied my mum to the washing pole with the line as a kind of leash so she couldn't escape the garden (again in the 50s).

I confess my kids didn't know there was any other drink than water for a long time cos I didn't want to deal with the stickyness or stains of spilt juice. 🤣🤣

My little brother would, I'm pretty certain, have had an ADHD diagnosis if born more recently, but it wasn't a thing in the 60s (although I'm sure the behaviour was) He was like small tornado and Mum always said you couldn't prepare for what he would do next as you couldn't anticipate it (like driving his little pedal car down the hall into a glass door to "see what happened". So much was about a really strange form of exploration, which doubtless made sense to him.

My (Victorian) grandmother observed all this and gave what I think was good advice "Wear him out". It took some doing but I remember many, many long wet hours at the park while he ran round in circles like the Duracell bunny. It did help, he slept better and was even tired some times.

He followed a not unusual progress for boys and had calmed down considerably by 7, but whatever happens there is at least more knowledge and support now @AngeloMysterioso

I think some of this sounds like normal toddler stuff (pulling wet wipes out and tipping toys out).

Does he get much sensory play where he can be destructive?

Pretty tricky in a tiny flat though. Where are you meant to keep your stuff? You can't literally put everything out of reach. Locks don't work with this kind of child. They aren't doing it to be naughty at 2.5 they are just investigating. Of course you keep glass bottles and jars and toilet cleaner and knives and pens out of reach. But a lot of things have to be within reach. Until you have experienced this kind of child you just put it down to lazy parenting. I did too before I had my destructive one. Books would get ripped up if left too long. Again not through naughtiness or tantrums it's just the way some children are. They want to know what happens. It's a phase.

Why don’t door locks work? Have some built in cupboards? Is this a tiny flat with 3 dc under 5? I thought a small house? So under the stairs. But sturdy plastic toy boxes with lids. I don’t agree lots of things have to be in reach of a toddler?Surely cleaning sprays aren’t in reach or dishwasher tablets ? Use similar space for wet wipes. Use under bed storage in boxes toddler cannot open. Toddlers cannot reach the fridge and get their own juice. Don’t give them juice on the move. It’s bad for them anyway. Use space wisely and cut down on toys. They don’t need vast amounts.

My eight year with autism he is very much like this day in day out.
We have our house bare of any breakables doors locked and things shut away and he is always supervised by at least one parent and he still curates havoc
Unless you have a child with these destructive tendencies I don’t think you realise how quick determined and creative they are with their destruction.
I don’t know why people are so fixated on the juice and wet wipes when you have a child with these tendencies it’s like whack a mole once you fix one problem another one pops up.
I agree with other posters he sounds very curious and clever.
Looking after three children under five you can’t have eyes everywhere and not everyone has a child that will chill on the sofa with a sticker book

I'm not even sure any of this is naughty. It's just the result of leaving an child not yet old enough to regulate their behaviour unsupervised for too long. For example, pulling out every single wet wipe from a packet is not something that someone with the fine motor skills of a 2 year-old can do in a very short space of time. Add to that they had to get to the wipes, open them, decided that's what we want to do and then execute it, we're looking at what I personally would describe as 'too long to leave a 2 year old unsupervised'
Opening and Emptying several zip lock bags of toys -again not 1 minute activity, tipping all the trains out, then jumping in the box enough times to break it-neither quick nor quiet...personally these are things that could only have happened while the child was left alone for an un acceptable amount of time. Were not talking about how sometimes we take our eyes off our kids for a second every now and then, this seems like a common occurrence.

The OP HAS to accept that she is leaving the child alone too long. If she refuses to change this, this will continue to happen. It really is as simple as that. Sorry, but this is her fault more than the any wrong doing of the 2 year old. That's just a fact that simply can't be disputed

@User09876543210 The op has not mentioned Sen. I do think putting things out of reach works by and large. We put bleach out of reach don’t we? The op mentioned juice and wet wipes. Hence responses. If you think her dc has Sen, you should explain more to her. Not me. I’ve assumed the dc is just getting hold of things because he can and being destructive is his way of exploring and having fun. I’d stop it if I was as upset as the op. I realise some dc are not going to be persuaded to “play nicely”, but I haven’t picked sen up from the op. Not sure I’d worry her further right now.

I understand your frustration as I mentioned earlier I have a high needs autistic child.

I don't think just from your post that your child is ND BTW, but some children just get into things more.

You have got 2 options:

Accept some things are beyond your control and let them go for the sake of your own mental health and accept that this particular child explores the world like this, or, remove everything that he can get into and only allow what you are willing, able and comfortable to be cleaned in that area.

You have acknowledged your own physical limitations.

This is what us disabled parents of high needs children have to do.

We bolt our cupboards to the wall, use mag locks, use disability support aids, like no spill cups and wipeable floor covers, baby gates, chains, play pens, rotate boxes of toys, remove things that can cause mess and stress in a matter of seconds and create a safe space where our children can be left unattended based on their concept of the world around them.

I do not think for a second you're a bad mum, I think you're great, I think this is just your first time experiencing a truly high needs child, and so you need really selective advice from other parents and peers with experience of high needs children.

You are tired and you are stressed and you have 3 children who are all asking you to pour from an empty cup in different ways and you are drained. It's understandable.

There are many practical solutions that have been offered without judgement here today though that even in the smallest of houses can be implemented.

Please stop focusing on all of the judgemental posts. You're letting them live in your head rent free when these people won't lose sleep over your circumstances tonight.

All children have sensory needs for input. I would look into the free online resources available for you to do a sensory diet profile for your child who is just developing in his own beautiful but chaotic way, and find ways to incorporate this into your days, whilst also making sure the space you're leaving him in while you meet your own needs is safe.

In regards to the drink put it inside a kitchen wall cupboard and it comes out at meal and snack times. He won't dehydrate. You could also set up a water table outside and allow him to pour out. It's a really common thing at this age, my three year old could do it for hours.

In regards to the car seat give him a busy board off Amazon. We have one with clips and buckles on. Do you not use the harness safety clips you want to be able to get your kids out in an emergency.

My DS is a mini whirlwind, he reminds me of Damien (for the older readers amongst us). However I do try and wear him out to the point that in the late afternoon he is slow enough that I can follow his tornado devastation and catch him in the act half the time.

Edit: he's also morphed into the andrex puppy recently and unravels the toilet roll. We've now rationed it to two pieces and he tells us when he is going to the toilet 🤣

Remember this is MN, where some will suggesting ''Special needs'' for the slightest bit of 'naughtiness'.

He sounds much more like a bored, unsupervised, under~ stimulated toddler who is left too long to be able to get into mischief.

Oof, my sympathy, my DS was like this as a toddler

I remember during lockdown having to tape cardboard over all the book cases so he wouldn't pull off the books (he enjoyed snapping the bindings on hard
Backs)

He is now older and much more reasonable

I did realise after a while that he was trying to learn about objects, materials and forces by destroying things, rather than just trying to piss us off. He's very clever but about maths and science these days.

It is good parenting to show anger when it's appropriate. In the bad old days you would give them a good wallop, but I'm not advocating that. We are mammals, and if you watch any mammal parent with headstrong youngsters, they can be quite fierce when boundaries are overstepped. Being put in your place is not going to cause a personality disorder, for god's sake, though there's a good argument that failure to assert parental authority can be a risk factor in kids developing narcissistic personality traits.

For example, pulling out every single wet wipe from a packet is not something that someone with the fine motor skills of a 2 year-old can do in a very short space of time. Add to that they had to get to the wipes, open them, decided that's what we want to do and then execute it, we're looking at what I personally would describe as 'too long to leave a 2 year old unsupervised'

Does your back hurt from that reach?

First of all, baby wipes packs are designed to be opened quite easily, often one handed. 10 seconds (at most)for a toddler with good fine motor skills, and since OP's toddler can open baby locks and gates , he has excellent fine motor skills.

Second of all, if they're the cheapish wipes all they have is the stupid film tab that sometimes comes undone/completely comes off by itself, and even worse, you might only want one wipe and you end up with half a packet. Again, it takes seconds. But let's make it a minute or two.

Finally, at that age the thought process literally is "Ohh Fun"/ nice smell/nice feel. Done. 5 seconds at most if the kid is a bit slow.

So we're under 3 minutes and the mess is done. Is OP allowed to have a poo, or pee, or change her pad, or puke, or deal with a nose bleed or a shitty nappy?

She can't parent as if he's an only child (and trust me, a lot of these things happen to parents of onlies too, because shit happens!). Stop expecting her to and acting as if your shit doesn't stink.

Because the child just rips open the door anyway. We had 2 sorts - one screwed on the other the stick on ones with the magnets. Neither lasted more than a couple of weeks.

And things do need to be within reach simply because there is limited space. You put the dangerous breakable things up high but there isn't space to do that with everything.

I agree with you on the juice though - that is only under supervision here.

I haven't read the whole thread but this all sounds like sensory seeking behaviour. We had similar with ours and I saw it as destructive but realised I was attaching adult intent to a small child's behaviour (mine used to open munchkin cups to spill a puddle of liquid to splash, to me he was spilling water intentionally, to him he was satisfying a need to splash)

I have been at my wits end too but I found working out what his aim is with these behaviours and helping him be able to do it in an acceptable way REALLY helped, no we don't pour juice on the table, here's a shallow tray on a plastic sheet or in the garden. No we don't take all these things out of bags / pillow cases, here's a bag stuffed with flannels and silky scarves from the charity shop etc. redirection really helped us as you can't have eyes on them all the time.