To be in tears over how destructive my 2.5 year old is?

[AngeloMysterioso]

So far today, he has:

-Smashed a soap dispenser bottle I bought three weeks ago to replace the last soap dispenser bottle he smashed

-Opened a new packet of wet wipes and pulled out every single one

-Got all the bagged toys out of the toy box (I separate things like puzzle pieces, little toy cars, wooden blocks etc into the big zip lock bags so they’re easy to find) opened every single bag and chucked the contents on the floor (without playing with any of them)

-Opened a new storage box I bought last week for his toy trains, emptied it all over the floor, and then jumped up and down on the empty box until it cracked and broke

-Poured fruit juice all over the coffee table and splashed it everywhere with his hands, so now it’s also all over the carpet

-Taken all the sofa cushions off the sofa, unzipped the covers and pulled all the stuffing out.

I just sat down and wept. We’ve got a very small home and three DC, and I’ve been working so hard to make it a nice space for us in spite of how cramped it is, but my day to day existence just seems to be going from one mess or broken thing to another. I just feel like giving up.

A pp suggested checking out airways. I'd second that. My ds, the raptor and house destroyer did in fact have issues with sleep apnea which he has now had surgery for. Still manic but a little better.

I’d probably prefer to word this as there’s nothing wrong with disapproval, rather than anger. I posted above that the dc is old enough to start having introduced to him the concept that his actions have consequences beyond just the mechanical ones of tip liquid = liquid lands on floor. I do think sometimes these days parents are made to feel that they have to be more placid and accepting of childlike behaviour than is necessarily good for the child. There a balance. I don’t think a toddler should be yelled at for tipping juice; but equally we don’t have to quietly suffer it. They can be taught what is unhelpful behaviour. It’s part of social development to realise our actions impact others.

This. Magnetic locks were essential to us. I have 4DC and when my twins were 2 it was MAYHEM!!!! Everything you describe.

You honestly just have to childproof to death. Itsso frustrating when other people don't seem to need to. But it makes everything possible.

Magnetic locks on all cupboards. Toys in boxes with locks - even if they work them out it slows them down a lot. Our stair gates had a double lock - the second one was at the bottom and was really stiff and hard to use. Again, it may not totally stop them, but slows them down. They may still climb over.... we also had to screw them into doorframes to avoid wrenching.

Basically you have to imagine you are a 3 foot tall total bastard..... make the place safe.

They also need to let out these feelings and urges. So have stuff they can "wreck". A box of toys to tip out. I had an old tissue box and stuffed lots of scarves from A charity shop in for them to yank out.

Oh, and a loved a messy play thingy near us. They could make as much mess as they wanted. My God were they covered in everything by the end and so much dirtier than everyone else. But all fixed by a strip and shower as soon as we got home.

Hi

Im a clinical psychologist and I specialise in child development. I also have a tornado child. Sometimes it’s parenting, sometimes it’s just a child’s pre-disposition. I think some other posters here are giving you a hard time. You have other children who do not have the same temperament by the sounds of it, so it’s probably nothing to do with your parenting. It’s still ‘normal’ for little ones to behave this way, it’s just that some are more inclined towards the active and destructive play. It’s his preference. The range of development at that age is still quite vast and he may not have the same level of receptive communication or impulse control that other kids the same age have (again, varies massively and is normal).

I suspect from your posts that the real problem here is that it is really almost impossible to single handed parent three young children at one time, particularly when you have a busy child. It’s nothing to do with your child or his behaviour, it’s just that the typical behaviours he does have are almost impossible to manage when you are hanging on by a thread. I know you haven’t said that but I do a lot of this work and It’s just something that struck me and something I often hear when people have 3 little ones. When do you fill your own cup? Because it would be a whole lot easier to respond and manage in the way you want to if your own needs were being met. Even stil, it’s important to validate that I don’t think you could possibly do this without feeling very overwhelmed.

I don’t know how helpful it is for people to share advice or give tips. But there are lots of other families who have very similar difficulties. If I was meeting with you in my job and you have a partner I would be wanting them to hold responsibility or involvement and making sure it was viewed as a shared problem (as is often not the case when one partner gets to go to the office all day). I would be trying to carve out opportunities for you to get more of a break and more 1:1 time with your child, whether it be through getting childcare or support wherever you can. For you to hold less mental load if physical support isn’t possible. I would tell you to drop your standards- let it get messy, absolutely do not sort out boxes of toys that are likely to be tipped out. Toy rotation if you have the energy (less toys around). Pulling wet tissues might be a good activity for 10 mins, yes annoying but really he doesn’t fully understand why he shouldn’t do that, plus it’s probably something your 9 month old is into - maybe a shared activity even. Spend as much time as you can outside on bear hunts. Try to anticipate the destruction and redirect to it to something you don’t mind getting messed up (probably outside). If you need to use screen time it will not cause significant harm- in fact we advise that if the alternative is a frazzled parent unable to attune to their child because they feel so frustrated, then go for it.

hope you’re ok!

Have you tried the magnetic cupboard locks?
What about the water bottles with a built in flip up straw instead of a cup? Very little can leak out of those.

My top tip is getting out the house as early as possible, preferably outdoors somewhere to run off as much energy as possible. That seemed to bring the energy down a level later in the day.

Toy rotation so there's only so much mess they can make

Lower your expectations. Even lower than that.

'Yes spaces' the one kitchen cupboard accessible full of old tupperware and wooden spoons they can get out

Tuff trays with pouring cups/ rice crispness etc they can scoop and fill and pour all day.

Take all the help you can get!

I had one demon toddler like this, who was permanently bouncing off the walls. I once woke from a nap ( slept when the baby sleeps!) to the sound of little feet running downstairs. She'd climbed out of the cot, over the staircase, down the stairs and was running around with a banana she got from the kitchen counter. She wasn't even 2yo at the time. I couldn't keep up with the destruction/ energy levels.

She is now a very sporty 9yo, can run fast, climb. I put it down to her hyperactive toddler days building core strength and stamina. She will also sit and read a book if I take her to a cafe now which is still mind-blowing to me.

This is not “bad” behaviour. Your kid needs to be outside splashing in puddles, messy painting, playing with sand etc.

Also if those zip lock bags are big enough to fit over his head that is a concern.

I sympathise. If I turned my back for about, oh, five seconds, my middle child would have been up to no good at that age. Particular favourite was taking every tin out of the tin cupboard. Even dropping the odd one or two on their toe didn't put them off. Climbing up, and falling off, well, anything. But, he's now a grown up and really lovely. Clever, great job, loads of friends. Take heart, it will get better. You sound like you are doing everything possible and it's such hard work. Sending hugs.

OP - please ignore any smug replies. Only parents who have had a wild child like yours can really know what it is like. My first born used to stand on the table and hurl toys (preferably wooden bricks) at the picture windows if I had the temerity to breast feed her little sister. I tried every sane and reasonable idea you can think of but this was her preferred mode of protest.

I've been thinking of all the things I've done over the years to survive and we used to have about 4 of these bags, each day we would swap them out so only 1 was accessible at a time, but they opened up to big floor mats and it could just be scooped up and hung back up in the wardrobe upstairs but it was out for the day for good once it was out. Each bag had books like the Osborne that's not my series, each day had a different few, sensory toys that we'd made with bottles of oil and water, toys like bubble guns but with ribbons instead of bubbles attached, toy dinosaurs, about 10 stacking bricks or duplo blocks, and a stuffed toy.

This really made the days where I had low energy or couldn't always be physically present all of the time much more manageable.

@Mischance My DC would have had the bricks taken away. Thats not acceptable. I’m amazed what parents put up with. No wonder teaching is not attracting people into the profession, I do think there has to be common sense here. If DC do things that need to stop, they must be stopped.

Whi can waste money on wet wipes being destroyed? Put them on the work surface or in a cupboard. Get good locks. It’s great having a toddler cupboard. No to drinks other then at mealtimes. Also I agree the other DC are suffering this behaviour around them. They need to be in a calmer environment.

Msny mums don’t have help available. Msny cannot afford nursery. Yes, this dc would benefit from nursery right now but i guess it’s not possible. I found nursery brilliant for buying time! But it costs. Often there’s no grandparents or dad to help either.

(I’m picturing all those bricks thrown at the police now! - I realise this is wrong of me but boys don’t seem to be told No. I think it’s about time they were). I expect this will be deleted but it’s genuinely worrying.

Just imagine these awful toddlers being let loose in Boots or Superdrug as 20-somethings. Wet wipes all over the floor!

Perhaps they'll be banned from John Lewis at the age of 42 for destroying the pan display?

The mind boggles doesn’t it! The toddler behaviour of those being put in prison might be an interesting study.

Some children do need extreme management. We didn't know DD1 had SN. We had to double stack stair gates on her door, then add a plank of wood at the bottom, so she couldn't escape. We had to screw acrylic sheets to the bannisters to stop her climbing through and falling to her death. We had to use an electromagnetic lock on the front door to prevent her from letting herself out onto the main road, because she could stack boxes to climb over the stair gate across the porch door. We had to leave a travel stair gate at my friend's house to put up in their house when we visited, to prevent her from crawling up the stairs and emptying all the shampoo, etc.

Add soon as she went to preschool they said she needed 1:1. In the end, social services gave me support workers to help out with her and my younger children because she was so tricky.

Except the brick throwing kid is a girl.

I remember thinking for ages- why does the toy area bit of our living room always look like someone’s gone over and literally taken toys out of boxes and thrown them around? And then realised our 2 year old son was literally sat with each box and taking things out one by one, and throwing them round! He was similar to what you describe in terms of managing to destroy everything- my other kids just weren’t like it to the same extent. I found getting him out and basically getting him to run/jump/climb as much as possible helped get a bit of energy out of him. Would you have space for a trampoline- even a small one? (We never had room but I always thought it would have helped). He’s much better now, a few years later, but sending sympathy as it’s a hard phase.

Is nursery for 2-3 days a week an option? He’s probably bored.

They need a lot of stimulation. If you’re low income you’d probably qualify for free hours at nursery now.

Please do not follow a PP’s suggestion and tie him to anything. A) it’s cruel and b) it would make his frustration worse.

Child proof your home as much as you can and either pursue nursery or make sure you’re out at baby and toddler groups once or twice a day where he can run around, socialise and play without damaging your home.

Speak to your health visitor.

My brother is several years younger than me and he was like this. He broke/dismantled everything he touched as toddler. When he got older, he kept trashing my bedroom so my dad put a hook-and-eye style lock on the outside of my door, right at the top. My brother simply stood on a stool to open it. My parents removed anything he could stand on, so the little arsehole used a toy golf club to reach up and unhook the lock.

He was about 14 when my parents paid thousands for new windows and within a few days, he deliberately pressed one of those spiky Denman hairbrushes into the brand new windowsill, leaving rows of tiny holes in the wood. My mum actually cried and he couldn't give reason for why he had done it.

He's incredibly neat/tidy/organised now as an adult but the destructive period was brutal, and absolutely nothing my parents did had any effect.

@BluebirdLaces I agree. It’s clearly hard but has there been any attempt to curb the destruction? Nursery - yes! Vital.