To be in tears over how destructive my 2.5 year old is?

[AngeloMysterioso]

So far today, he has:

-Smashed a soap dispenser bottle I bought three weeks ago to replace the last soap dispenser bottle he smashed

-Opened a new packet of wet wipes and pulled out every single one

-Got all the bagged toys out of the toy box (I separate things like puzzle pieces, little toy cars, wooden blocks etc into the big zip lock bags so they’re easy to find) opened every single bag and chucked the contents on the floor (without playing with any of them)

-Opened a new storage box I bought last week for his toy trains, emptied it all over the floor, and then jumped up and down on the empty box until it cracked and broke

-Poured fruit juice all over the coffee table and splashed it everywhere with his hands, so now it’s also all over the carpet

-Taken all the sofa cushions off the sofa, unzipped the covers and pulled all the stuffing out.

I just sat down and wept. We’ve got a very small home and three DC, and I’ve been working so hard to make it a nice space for us in spite of how cramped it is, but my day to day existence just seems to be going from one mess or broken thing to another. I just feel like giving up.

I had one like this. Bloody nightmare. I still remember the day he opened a cupboard and upturned every single cereal box on the floor. How is his comprehension? Does he understand no and consequences, if you x, y will happen. My ds had genuine difficulty understanding this so threats or punishments were a waste of time. That said most children do understand they just pretend not to. I work with age 2 yrs 8 months upwards and we make them tidy up, we show them how to sort and have different boxes etc and it takes a while but every one of them understands tidy up time before the next thing. First tidy up, then juice/ snack. First.. then instructions can be a lifesaver at 2 if they can't understand more complex instruction yet.

Short term i would remove the sofa cushions and tell him they are broken. Ds broke them. Bring them back tomorrow. Also remove the trains, oh no DS broke the train box. Good bye trains. Trains gone for a day or two. As for the mess, he will find a mixed mess too hard to organise so I would put in all in black plastic bag saying its too messy and put it away for the day. Tomorrow take out one or two things. Make him tidy simpler things one at a time and gradually reintroduce everything. Try to do this without anger and as a matter of fact, he is seeing the consequences without a reaction. He will eventually learn mess isn't worth it and it doesn't even get a reaction from Mum that he is craving.

All easier said than done, i know.

I should add to the above, in my nursery children who overturn boxes are told to immediately everything back, if they don't they are removed and not allowed play with the contents of the box. Within a matter of days no one ever overturns boxes. They do understand!

Don't feel shit op.

It's super tough.
Everything your describing is developmentally normal.
Some kids are really high energy - doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them or you.
Small houses don't swallow chaos easily.
Parenting 3 means you can't be everywhere.
It's tough as can be.

I'm sure I have seen somewhere a gate that is full height, with the handle very high up. That might help you to block off certain areas of the house

Poor you! Have a look at this book, if you don't know it already:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-Bestselling-Parenting/dp/0091902584/ref=sr_1_1?crid=32XKDQW678D4C&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Qif53MiSEprr3it6DXUUks0z3x8uS0lBAJCu6H2GCzuOwoBgsZ-rUX3tmcUaCeM9_Lrf9tmjqgMTXHeFSYwqbhdTMaI_C58hj18sQjdyfAYmeBB9iEDKmOkFCyNXiheKNSAmx_KZDGsjVS0ddsby92kFkFN5lFHdHA3PD85-cra_E42h0JzkccFdgERzq4vN_oSETNyn35IUD27ZnKApCb8raRBUi-Xv2tb9V5Uvrts.PkSvNEDB9G1LTB8RgviiXhEhD64ExF-8bSF8-6cSECI&dib_tag=se&keywords=toddler+taming&qid=1724246504&sprefix=toddler+taming%2Caps%2C109&sr=8-1

This may be many things - two things come to mind - attention - getting it and keeping it, even negative may be what he's after if you react to these events (understandable). OR a schema for him as they all seem to relate to getting things OUT of other things and scattering. A bit like the way some children have a fascination with things that spin.

Careful, your smugness is showing

@gmgnts Yes, Toddler taming is an excellent book. Gives you great insight into how their underdeveloped little brains work.

I don't know how to say this without sounding mean or dismissive of your feelings, but I will give it a try. This is normal for a toddler, it is indeed hard work, but there is nothing wrong with you, or your toddler, your toddler is not destructive, they are 2 year old, inquisitive, and curious about how the world works. And yes, even making a mess and breaking things are learning scenarios for them, although very frustrating for parents. A lot of these you mention can be sorted by changing your habits: put wipes away for them, get them a toy where they can take things out and put them in again, no soap dispenser, just leave it on a plastic one, no plastic containers for toys, just fabric ones will do - IKEA sells these or you can get baskets to organize toys. Another tip- the less toys they have the less mess to clean. Of course explain to them about making a mess, and teach them how to tidy up so they learn but don't label them as destructive.

What exctly are you doing when all this is happening? They're clearly being left unsupervised for too long for things like this to happen.

You watch like a hawk. Any signs of destructive behaviour, you need to remove from the area and explain why they can't do it. It's really that simple.

I think though that is ultimately the answer.

My kids were like this and it's why I don't understand it at all when posters say things like "of course you should do all the housework if you're home with the kids" because mine really needed proper supervision until they were 4. I really couldn't just leave them to it.

When is he finding the opportunities to do these things and can you find a way to minimise them?

Things I used to do:

• change the baby in the living room so I could see what the other one was doing
• either batch cook so I could just pop something in the microwave or stick the TV on while I made lunch
• abandoned any attempt to do housework with them around
• kept them out and about for as long as possible

As the OP said it’s a small house, I don’t think wet tables, and activities involving sand, lentils are going to help?
What is he like if you take him to a friend’s house, does he behave or do you not risk taking him, fearful of what he might do!
sounds like a complete nightmare- you’re doing all the right things.Has your GP been any help, suggesting a referral re his behaviour? Although toddlers are famous for the “terrible twos” I feel this behaviour is far beyond that, and is affecting the whole family, so further help is needed here.

I think you sound amazing. I don’t know how you stay sane. You sound like a really good mum.

I have no suggestions as how to manage young kids. I was lucky as mine inherited my husband‘s calm genes. There is no way I would stay calm in the face of such chaos as I have such a short fuse.

My question is whether there is any time that you can do something for yourself. so that you have something to look forward to at least once a week. Even if it is going for coffee on your own. Do Finances and logistics allow this in any way? You need it.

@BeQuirkyJadeBird OP is bf a baby, there are going to be chunks of time when she can't physically intervene. That's the problem.

I just wanted to say solidarity parenting is hard and I don’t think you deserve the judgey comments 💐 my 2.5 year old is quite testing and I often feel I look ineffective compared to others. Reading your post I really feel that we there is the nature element; I don’t think you’re going to resolve this through the best parenting. It might be underlying adhd or such. So in short term it’s appealing for any help you can get to make life easier, more time with nursery or grandparents. Etc

What type are you using? BeeGo locks are great. They are magnetic and as long as you keep the magnet out of reach, he won't be able to open them. They work on doors and cupboards.

There are loads of gadgets available to stop doors from opening even if the handle is used.

Honestly, management is your friend. DD1 was amazingly resourceful. She used to stack boxes to climb over baby gates (despite having learning disabilities). We used to have to keep one step ahead with our child-proofing.

Bless you that sounds really tough with 3 under 4 years old. I appreciate you don't have eyes in the back of your head. Have you tried the babygo magnetic baby locks? If you always have the magnet on you, he won't be able to open anything.

Some of these things...the toys and cushions aren't really destructive, just mess. Keep the wet wipes up high and don't leave drinks on low tables either. Get a plastic soap dispenser for now. He's not destructive he's curious and maybe a bit bored while you are bf so finding ways to entertain himself. Give up on neatly sorted toys for a bit. Just scoop them up and re sort once a week or once a month. Some kids are just messy. My dd is 11 but has always left a trail of chaos in her wake. Today I've found 3 hair brushes, a selection of loom bands various clothes and shoes discarded around the house. An entire box of soft toys laid out on her floor for some reason. All her jewellery laid out on a window ledge and a pot of some sort of face glitter exploded over the bath room. She was only here for an hour and a half before going out and the house was tidy when she got up.

Remove/hide/put high up any of the significant things that could get broken, you don't want him to have access to.

Some of the things you mention, can be overwhelming and frustrating(especially for you as an adult) , but it's just play, sensory seeking and curiosity. Honestly not a big deal. Like the wipes. We actually had a billion packs around to keep DD busy.
Same with the cushions, if they can be put back together in some way... meh.

I'm going against the herd here, but all the things you mention, are fairly normal for kids that age.

He seems very dexterous and able and curious. What I would advise is to have things around that suit his needs, without creating too much work for you.

Loads of messy play (set up in the garden if easier) sand, water, pasta , containers, rice , flour , corn flour and water, play doh etc. or buy a shower curtain and cover the floor with it and let him play on it. Containers with various substances and textures. Zip lock bags with pom poms, cotton wool etc in them. A backpack/ bag with various zips and compartments he can root through. A few drawers at his height with Tupperware, pots, pans, plastic bowls, plastic cooking tools that he can bang and explore as much as he wants.
Toys that involve opening /closing and putting things in and out. Let him be messy where it's easy to clean up, in the bath, tiled floors etc.

Make him help tidy up/fix something he broke (like restuffing the cushions).

DD is a polite, beautifully behaved 12yo.This is coming from teachers and other adults in her life. At that age she... painted the telly, painted the sofa in sudocrem(and ate some), painted the balcony doors in yogurt and many more. See a pattern there?

Agree but also if the baby going on the boob is a big trigger for poor behaviour from the 2 year old, it's worth thinking about particular strategies for it.

I used to do things like reading books to my 2 year old, setting him challenges (like how fast can you run around the room or how tall a tower can you make), bit of TV... Lots of praise when he behaved well.

It's not realistic to expect a 2 year old to entertain themselves when you are bf a baby

My nephew was like this at that age. When they came to visit, if you turned your back for a few minutes he would have every drawer and storage piece open and emptied onto the floor. Toys everywhere and not playing with them - just opening the next thing and tipping it out. It was infuriating at the time, but he's 7 now and a normal kid - obviously just a phase that he grew out of.

How did your DD manage to do all those messy things , must have taken some time! Where were you while it was happening?
All these children wrecking stuff- must have cost a fortune to replace!