SS visited today

[sotiredandconfused]

I recently had a HV come round. She appeared a little rigid and looked like she was attending a wedding but she seemed chatty and reflected back lots of positive things she was seeing. Today I had a SW unexpectantly visit and after she read out everything that the HV had raised, to say I was shocked is an understatement. Both my DH were there and the HV literally fabricated and misrepresented things she saw. The SW was lovely and stated she had no concerns and let me know I could make a complaint (I have).

So WTF! I'm still in shock. The HV asked me at the time whether I wanted another visit and I said no, and then SS turn up!

I worked for a time in a social care team. I had come from a role in education. I was explicitly told by my manager that I needed to dress down because otherwise it was an inappropriate power play to go into someone’s home in ‘workwear’ when they would be casual and feeling vulnerable. So from my experience, awareness of the impact of your clothes on power dynamics is part of the professional skill set of doing home visits.

Having worked in this sector I totally agree, and I think most people working in the field would.

On one occasion however, I was accompanied on a home visit by a young male manager who was wearing a business suit and carrying an expensive briefcase (unnecessary, he was a bit of a dick). I could see the person felt intimidated and I think that's entirely understandable.

We know what she did with it, she reported it to SS as a concern.

@sotiredandconfused I personally feel that I am the expert on my own child. Unless there is a specific problem that requires a referral on, I find there are many better ways to find high quality information on child related issues. So I do question the relevance of health visits for most families. Especially given that some areas of the NHS are so stretched. That budget could be better distributed. Also the system around midwives and health visits seems to be set up where it is assumed parents will be at home anytime during the daytime Monday - Friday. Gone are those days when mothers were confined to bed after childbirth!

"both parents are neurodivergent- so they themselves may be more vulnerable and there is not a NT adult in the house."

@Carebearsonmybed

Are you seriously suggesting that a person who is neurodiverse needs to have a neurotypical adult in the house with them? Why?

I don't think anyone thinks that "everyone" would know. However, if there is enough detail for only one or two people to know, that's enough to do the damage if you're posting about something potentially sensitive.

@sotiredandconfused

It is possible that the HV was wildly wrong, malicious, incompetent-all the bad stuff.

It is also possible that she had genuine concerns and the fact that you are refusing to report what she said makes it impossible for anyone to make helpful suggestions. The anti HV and SW lobby on this site is very strong. Please don't take what is said on here as validation. Nobody on here can know.

There is no 'and yet' though, is there?

Because that poster said 'there is more unsaid than here.' And another poster who works in SS has said there is definitely more to this, because the things you've mentioned are not enough to trigger a referral. You've several times admitted that there is plenty more unsaid and that you choose to not say it, because you don't want to be judged on what you consider to be 'nonsense.'

But given that, it's a bit disingenuous to repeatedly be going 'Sigh. yet here we are.' as if you genuinely have no idea why the SW turned up.

I just don’t know what the motive would be for the HV to make assertions that aren’t true. She must have genuinely been concerned.

Yet actual social workers have confirmed that it's not appropriate. For what it's worth, no-one would consider a fitted dress in a flowery pattern and a satln-type material to be appropriate court dress when you're dealing with the welfare of a child, nor would most people wear that for an interview for a social work type job. In any event, it takes a couple of minutes to change into something like trousers and a top.

I had a HV turn up a few days after my son's birth. She marched straight over to the moses basket and said "oh, let me see baby. Where IS baby?" "Baby" was in SCBU and had been for days. Might seem like a small mistake that she hadn't bothered to read my notes prior, but I was an emotional mess at the time after a very traumatic birth.

Ignore all the pathetic comments, OP (and the downright disgusting ones). Some posters like to be deliberately obtuse in order to appear 'funny'.

Definitely take this further.

I never said I wanted her to be homeless or "drag her to my level", I just said the bag made me sick as I could buy lots of food or even pay a month rent.
You have never been in the position of not having a roof over your head or to struggle to pay for food so why are you attacking me when you can't know for sure how would you feel?
now that I have a roof over our head and a job again I still think a social worker should not wear big visible luxury logos when visiting homeless or vulnerable people.
Now as a community nurse I follow my own advice.

I get exactly what you mean about the HV being dressed like she was going to a wedding. In my town there were 2 HV's. My one was a warm, caring woman who dressed in comfortable clothes and engaged with the children (think Phyllis in Call the midwife). Everyone adored her as she was helpful and not judgemental. The other one dressed to the nines, wore her hair in an elaborate up do and stank of perfume (think Patsy in Ab Fab). She was cold and did not like the children to come near her when she visited. She was negative and obstructive. No one liked her (many of my friends had her as their HV) and many stopped her from coming to their homes. It really makes a difference how you present yourself in a role like this.

I find threads like these surprising.

The threshhold for referrals for intervention via SS are incredibly high. Social services are extremely overstretched, it has to be pretty bad for them to waste time on you.

Why would a HV lie? What is their motivation for lying? It is bizarre. They don't get bonuses for referring people.

I find your view on her clothing quite judgy. Lots of people (especially perhaps slightly older people) consider the reverse of what you have said, that its important for people in these roles to be smartly dressed and appear professional and trustworthy. Regardless, you judging her clothes is as bad as if she was judgy about someone wearing their old leggings and a tshirt. Maybe she just loves that style of clothing.

I believe there will be a tiny number of weird SS referrals. Of course there will, you get the odd crazy/incompetent in any profession. But odds are more likely that there's no smoke without fire. If you are both ND is it possible you've misinterpreted things or not understood genuine concerns? Have you got a family member could be with you for a subsequent visit both to witness interaction and support you?

Agreed. It's absurd to dress up to the nines or carry an expensive designer handbag when you are working with vulnerable, struggling people. It's alienating, can undermine trust and rapport and as a poster mentioned above, reinforces power dynamics. And it is very easily avoided given a moment's thought about the matter.

Of course it's not the only or most important factor, but it is a factor.

I don't think most people would disagree that professional visitors should look professional and trustworthy. That's not what the OP described, though.

What age are your children for context?

Sorry, used the wrong quote, what age are your children OP?

If it helps, my daughter was a lion or a horse for years. She literally spent all her time when not at school on all fours and trying to get her brother and friends to do the same. She even set up a course in the garden and showed off her walk, trot, canter and gallop. This was from 3 or 4 until about 9. She's 30 now and a corporate solicitor in a big city firm! I think a good imagination is a sign of intelligence.

I do question the relevance of health visits for most families.

Its a baseline approach to ensure no child "slips through the net". The children who are most at risk are the invisible ones, in communities who shun outside agencies, with parents who don't go by baby clinic for a weigh in, don't send them to school, don't register them with a doctor. If you have to offend a few parents to ensure you protect all children from abuse/neglect/trauma/death, i'm ok with that.

What people don't see is the success stories. The hv or social worker who picks up something and it prevents a catastrophe down the line.

My friend had an age 2 HV check. The HV spotted a slightly odd, seemingly mild health/physical thing and gently prompted my friend to get DC seen. Turned out to require serious emergency surgery - that HV probably saved her DC life.

@IntrepidCat I've heard some awful stories of HV but honestly ours was a good send, especially during/coming out of lockdown. My son is autistic and she was reassuring without being dismissive and helped us with things like the referral process, nursery and seeking out local support groups. So there are some good ones out there!

That's not what the OP described, though.

OP wasnt getting the immediate validation and support she came her for, it wouldn't be unusual to exaggerate as a result.

He's not some random man, he's the child's father. Would you also be horrified at the idea of a father bathing their child, changing a nappy or helping them in the loo? Or indeed being alone with them in general? If you think your partner only needs opportunity "served up on a plate" to abuse your child, why on earth would you even stay with him?

Tbh I'd take it as a massive red flag if my DH was horrified at the idea of co-sleeping with our kids too tbh because ultimately it wouldn't horrify him unless he thought something could happen.

Given the negative reputation that HV’s seem to have, I wouldn’t make that assumption.

I've heard some awful stories of HV but honestly ours was a good send, especially during/coming out of lockdown.

Mine too, my DC was prem & very small for age (health issues at play) and she listened to me, didn't assume I wasn't feeding her etc and gave me support in accessing some health referrals that helped us a lot. She also saw how worried i was too and checked i was getting support for myself as well.