I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

I know, the poor ickle prince!

This.

I don’t understand why you’ve apologised OP? Why not just stand by your truth?

Chalk it up as a lesson for the future 🌷 I think this feels a lot worse than it actually is. Hold your head high and don’t give him any more headspace.

The women are bitches and I wouldn't have apologised. If he doesn't like the truth then he ought to change his behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

Leave it now. You’ve apologised - it will blow over and become an awkward memory.

Most people have done something regrettable while drunk at least once. At least all you did was share home truths about a man who sounds like he had it coming. Others have done much worse.

I promise in a couple of months you won’t even think about this anymore.

Yeah this. Why are you apologising when he has treated you badly?
When he called you I'd have simply asked him which bits of what you said were untrue.
The women who have run telling tales are wankers btw, keep this in mind in future dealings with them.

Everyone seems to be saying you've 'done nothing wrong'. I'm not sure I'd strictly agree.

I wouldn't feel too bad about him if he's been a prick but it's wrong to air your dirty laundry at work IMO. Possibly, you put these women in a difficult situation which may be why they said something.

If one of them had told him and he found out the others had been there but said nothing then it might be awkward for them. Worst case scenario it might affect their careers if he's senior and pegs them as 'untrustworthy' or badmouths them to other colleagues. It's not their drama or problem to be getting sucked into. It's a bit like when you find out about an affair and don't want to be involved but you also don't want the wife coming to you later and asking why you didn't tell her if you knew all along.

But I'd just forget and move on now.

Everyone seems to be saying you've 'done nothing wrong'. I'm not sure I'd strictly agree.

I wouldn't feel too bad about him if he's been a prick but it's wrong to air your dirty laundry at work IMO. Possibly, you put these women in a difficult situation which may be why they said something.

If one of them had told him and he found out the others had been there but said nothing then it might be awkward for them. Worst case scenario it might affect their careers if he's senior and pegs them as 'untrustworthy' or badmouths them to other colleagues. It's not their drama or problem to be getting sucked into. It's a bit like when you find out about an affair and don't want to be involved but you also don't want the wife coming to you later and asking why you didn't tell her if you knew all along.

But I'd just forget and move on now.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck and wouldn't need alcohol to tell people what he's like. He will expose himself to someone else after you so you'll be proven right in time, and his groupies will soon hear about him from someone else too. Hold your head high and be glad you're rid of the clown.

You'd just start slagging off a mutual acquaintance and bringing your sex life drama into the office? Classy.

Did you have to say that???? Nasty! I suppose you're perfect in every way.

Don't you think the OP is upset enough???

Fuck around and find out, and he has found out! Sadly it probably won't have much effect on him. He's the twat in the scenario OP, not you. Don't apologise/ grovel any more, if he carries on attacking you just say 'I've apologised for my unprofessionalism but I told nothing but the truth, so I won't be engaging with you any further'. Block and delete!

Thank you xxxxxxx

Just forget about it . I worked with a woman , a long time ago , who was leaving her job and at her leaving do she got completely plastered stood on the table and told everybody exactly what she thought of them - it wasn’t pleasant . She survived and it became a thing of legend especially as she decided she didn’t like her new job and was back at the old job within 6 weeks .

What snakey bitches for taking your drunken moaning about the boss at an event away from work into a direct telegraph to him about your exact words?!
I've slagged colleagues and bosses off dozens of times while pissed and so has every other person I've ever worked with.
And either it would never go back to them or it would be ignored as drunken nonsense.
Just hold your head high. There's no proof either that you said it really.
And if it's going become an HR issue against you then it sounds ridiculous.

I worked with a man who did that. The colleagues on the occasion were very discreet and didn't share the details but apparently it wasn't pleasant either!! He ended up having to work with some of them via his new job afterwards as he was still in the same industry!

(I don't think I will go to my leaving do...!)

You have nothing to feel bad about - to misquote Ann Lamott, if he wanted you to speak well about him, he should have behaved better.

If he kicks off again about it, tell him that.

Unfortunately this why alcohol should be avoided at work events.

Could this cost you your job?

I think that the only thing that you can do is stand strong.

Us women already face enough stereotypes about being bitchy/'emotional'/drama queens/etc.

You're meant to be a professional at work not bring sex life drama into the office. It's cringe and a bit Jeremy Kyle. I'm not saying we should crucify OP for a drunken mistake but it's certainly not something to encourage or give a "you go, girl" thumbs up to IMO. Answers would be very different if a bloke were slagging off a former love interest to her colleagues.

OP asked for opinions and that's what she's getting.

Hi X, thanks for your call earlier. While I am sorry that some of what I said to some people in a social setting was repeated, I do not take back what I said. You treated me badly, full stop. Whilst I will now ensure not to trust anyone with personal information again until I gain their trust, I will not apologise any more.

You said stuff that's true.

You did nothing wrong.

People should know he's a will in sheep's clothing.

You are gonna get an absolute landslide of judgement here for getting drunk, in reality it happens, especially when you are dealing with an emotional situation like a break up. You were probably more limited in what you said than you think, obviously he is unhappy that you've spilled the beans but this is a measure of your relationship with him, the issue is not with the things he did, the issue is with you telling people and he's flamed you for that and you've become shamed and apologised. Totally controlling when he heard other people knew he should have went and hid under his rock. Send him another message telling him to go fuck himself and if he doesn't want people bad mouthing him he should stop his terrible behaviour, including flaming you. I would keep talking about what he is like, he doesn't deserve you protecting his reputation

You got drunk and bad mouthed a colleague, that's really the only thing to regret, as its never a great move.

But I wouldn't get too stressed out about it, as from what you say he was the one that treated you badly.

The other colleagues were maybe just reacting to bad mouthing a colleague, it's never a good move as it forces people to take sides and no one wants to do that when it's their job, rarely anyway.

When it comes to work sisterhood rules don't apply. I hate him on your behalf though.

Everybody slags off their ex after a few beers. What complaint could possibly be made about your behaviour? Were these delicate ladies upset by your revelations and begging you to cease spilling the tea? Never heard anything like it.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong,

‘Hi ex, I’d had a few drinks last night and probably over shared. But nothing I said was a lie. If you don’t want people to think or speak badly of you then maybe act like a decent human being in future.’

Then chuck the whole situation it in the fuck it bucket.