I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

Is anyone actually doing that though or is that just in your head?

Personally I don't believe in kicking someone when they're down. Nobody's perfect, not even you.

Why bow down to him and feel sorry for yourself for doing it?
He's a bastard and you said the truth, he's the one who should feel guilty now that everyone knows who he truly is!! He's trying to make you feel bad.
Fuck him, too many women keep silent, well done you.

You’ve berated yourself for your behaviour, and the other women for repeating stuff. What about Mr Turd? If he hadn’t been awful there’d have been nothing to say would there? Chin up, put it behind you.

Put it on the fuck it list and move on.

I don't entirely understand why you apologised, if the things you said were true?
Yes it is somewhat unprofessional to splurge so much personal stuff amongst colleagues but I hope when you made your profuse apology, you also said quite firmly, I said nothing that isn't true.

Fuck him. He probably deserved to hear some home truths!

I don't claim to be perfect.

There's a big difference between kicking somebody while they're down and endorsing poor behaviour. It's perfectly understandable behaviour and can be easily forgiven, but telling somebody who got shitfaced at a work event and acted unprofessionally that they 'did nothing wrong' is just a lie. He's the worse person in all probability but airing your dirty laundry to people you don't know very well is never a good idea in a professional setting.

That's my opinion and I stand by it. If you don't like it then tough shit, maybe a public forum isn't the best place for you.

And we haven't even heard his side of the story. The only thing we know is that he was slagged off to his colleagues by a drunken former love interest.

I think the only thing you've done wrong (apart from drinking too much) was apologising. I don't think you have anything to apologise for. You told the truth to people who were interested to listed. If he's enraged then he knows how awful his behaviour was. Good.

Now you know these women do not have your back you can put them on the list of people you can't trust.

Don't apologise to him any more
Just ignore it, brazen it out. Ok you shouldn't have done it, but he shouldn't be awful either. If he confronts you be breezy "ha ha yeah must have got a bit tipsy" and move on. If he wasn't such a twat it wouldn't have happened.

He's the one who should be worried now, not you. It's on his head be it So he's treated you discracefully and you told people, it was bound to come out eventually.

Now, if he retaliates against you on social media, remember to screenshot EVERYTHING. So you can get his head served up in a plate because if he starts to retaliate against you, you have rights just remember screen shot and collect evidence.

Be strong OP, you've got this. The r/ship is over so you can start to move on.

Don't be do hard on yourself op. Head held high and move on.

You're the one replying to other people's opinions though, as you said it's a public forum so everyone can give their opinion, you don't have to agree with it or directly quote people and get your knickers in a twist

Sod those shitty women. Tbf it might just have been one of them.

I'd just be like 'guess what, we have a rat! You'll never believe it! Someone told John what I said about him to you guys the other night. What a snake!'. To all of them individually. Watch them squirm.

Tell him to go fuck himself. Seriously.

I agree

I think the only thing you did wrong was apologise

The fact that these women thought it appropriate to go tell him what you said, says more about how desperate they are to get a man, any man and obviously he is now single and up for grabs and they think by repeating what you said means you won’t be going back to him and so they think they are in with a chance.

Own what you said, it was the truth.

Listen OP. as an ex dependant drinker I can honestly say I've done a few drunken shenanigans. Plenty to say about toxic men in the workplace when in my cups.
However you need to forget it. Tell them you didn't have that much. Spiked drink etc. Blah blah. Keep a look out for a new job. I got a corker job offer after a particular episode where I fell flat on my arse and told my boss my colleague was an arse pinching perv. I took redundancy after but achieved huge success. The arse got sacked recently! Chalk it up and don't booze at work at the very least.

Don't worry about it.
He's the arsehole for treating you badly.
No doubt he's "enraged" because his Perfect Peter Propaganda has been dented.

Front it out. Maybe lay low for a while until people forget. If it’s the truth then that is on him not you.

You are not the thread police.

It sounds like he has been careful to cultivate a certain professional reputation with a layer of charm. On the basis of that you have little to worry about because he's not going to want to bring what you said to anyone else's attention. All he wants to do is intimidate you enough to shut you up. There is no way he is going to be able to jeopardise your job or reputation unless he wants to have his behaviour aired.

You also don't know @Hangxietic whether he is as Teflon coated as you think. For all you know he's panicking because this isn't the first time these kind of comments about him are out there. People tend to pick up on these things and not decide for themselves who is "in the wrong" so it's unlikely the spotlight will be on you. You don't know what people really think of him. On that basis it would be crazy to resign and leave the country, especially as you haven't lied. It's his tough luck his bad behaviour hasn't been kept under wraps.

As for the women who reported back to him. It's a bit pathetic but perhaps they enjoyed denting his pride, perhaps it wasn't about you. Who knows. Let it go and don't apologise to him further.

So? He was a horrible bastard by all accounts, if he wanted you to have a better opinion of him he should have been a better person (and these awful women you work with don't sound much better).
Stop apologising, hold your head high & look for a less toxic place to work.
Best of luck to you.

Yeah I'd be waaay less apologetic about this. Nobody comes out of this particularly well, but if he doesn't want people knowing he's a dick he could just try...not being a dick.

It doesn’t sound like you have done anything particularly bad here - you’ve just told people the truth of what you actually think of him.

STOP Apologising - he will be getting a kick out of you acting this way and knowing he has worried you. In fact I would say to him that although you realise it was maybe slightly unprofessional you meant every word and you are not sorry as that is how you feel. Hold your head up high and forget about it.

YANBU - "This too shall pass."