I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

I don’t think they are. I’d certainly tell someone if their ex was pissed uo and slagging them off at a work event, if I was close to them and I’d want to know.

I do think if the genders were reversed here and it was a woman whose ex was wankered and slagging her off and she was told , the responses would be very different, no one would be saying the men who told were the problem. They’d be saying the woman was well shot of him and he’d behaved appallingly.

But is it?

This too will pass! Lesson learnt, confiding in mutual colleagues, they're not friends, love a bit of gossip and you gave them some. It was all true, they will now know a different side, yet of course passed it on to get more gossip.

Move on from it, know you can't trust them, in a few weeks it will be history and someone else will be drunk! Xx

And again, if the content of the slagging consisted of lies about my work I would also want to know. But if it was what I understand to be the type of remarks OP was making about her ex, I wouldn’t want to know. These remarks contain no substantive allegation, they come from an ex - why would anyone take them seriously? (Your admirable restraint didn’t help you here, OP, except that spilling the details of your personal life would have ultimately been worse, even if this would have made the point that your ex is beneath contempt)

IMO it isn’t gendered, except that the picture of these women running to The Man isn’t pretty

I think there is too much discussion over an arsehole as well as these harridans. I do find women are really competitive either in the workplace or for a man and there is a special place in hell for women who sell other women out for just a man. It is not as if there is a scarcity factor, especially for ones that treat you badly.

what I would do is call the guy up and tell him he is a dick to his face and tell him how much he was an arse to you. Then I would shit in an assortment of envelopes and post it through the letterboxes of these bitches.

finally book a nice weekend away (hopefully with a spa) and then come back with your head held high and say fuck it and get on with your life as if nothing has happened. Then feel good about yourself that you have not been a doormat. Get a backbone woman.

I really wish you luck.

Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone or next time you'll tell them he has a tiny dick and go into great detail about how he's shit in bed.

.

You have nothing to be ashamed about, that’s your truth what you have said about him and I wonder about the calibre of the women who ‘raced’ back to repeat your conversation.

I would always be on my guard if you cross their path again.

I doubt you would have been the first woman this man has been unpleasant to. Give it some time and I bet you will hear about others. They too might have been apprehensive in saying anything negative about this ‘charming’ type.

I guess it depends what you announced. Just saying " if it's all true then no regrets" only covers so much.
Sure if he treated you poorly and that's what you told people then I agree no regrets, you might have saved another woman from his dark side.
But if it was something confidential that you told everyone "Brian's only got one ball because he got cancer and had it lopped off" maybe not ok for example.

I expect they all fancy him and now they all fancy their chances with him knowing you have split up. However, anyone who goes out with him will soon find out what he's like. I can understand it's mortifying but I concur with the advice to let it go. You got drunk, you told the truth. Many of us have got drunk at work dos at some point and people love a bit of gossip. It will soon go stale. Stop apologising, ignore the man, get on with your job and refuse to be drawn into any more conversations about him with anyone. Forgive yourself. We learn from experience and we all have experiences that aren't great.

I don't see the problem tbh. You've told the truth, it's not as though you've spread lies about him.

If a man treated me badly then I'd tell people too. Name and shame.

He doesn't like it? Tough shit.

Don’t apologising for telling the truth about this arse wipe!

as far as the alcohol is concerned, if it’s a surprising reaction, could it be that your drink may have been tampered with in any way?

You cannot argue with the truth!

I think there are often posts on here along the lines of "I just got td by mutual friend that other friend finds me annoying/said XYZ". Usually there are a lot of posts questioning the mutual friends purpose in telling them. In some cases, it is helpful to pass on information. In others it is very blatant shit stirring/trying to create more drama. If a bloke was confiding that stuff to me, I would wonder why they were doing it and suspect either it would be to get more gossip ("my side") or possibly to hit on me.

I can understand how exposed you feel but it was your truth. If he didn’t want women to talk about how badly how he behaved, then he shouldn’t have behaved badly. He knew you were connected with the industry, so you’d have thought he’d have even more reason to behave better. At the moment it’s just his version of events against yours. He’ll be spinning the old ‘spiteful ex’ line.
I foolishly went out with someone from work, who proved himself to be very different from the nice guy he portrayed. The truth will come out, more women will talk. Just take a deep breath and stay true to what you have said, but don’t discuss it any further to prevent fuelling more gossip. Yes, you could have been more guarded but that’s alcohol for you! …. but there’s also that expression ‘in vino veritas’ !!
Please don’t apologise to the assh@le ex. He sounds like he deserves everything he got!

If he didn’t want people to know he’s a dick. He shouldn’t have acted like one. Forget about it- you spoke to truth and probably saved another girl from giving him a chance and getting hurt. As for the pick me girls, don’t speak to them ever again

One woman… I suspect one of the women you were speaking to Kaz, told him that you were bad mouthing him. He has asked who else is there, and she has said loads of the women from the office, he has use that against you, his own advantage, and said all of the women have been messaging him… It’s very unlikely that all the women stabbed you in the back more likely that he is a pathological liar and is enjoying making you feel the way that you know that you will be.
If questioned by any of the women at work again, simply say “I’m sorry, but I don’t wish to discuss my personal life in work“ and simply say you were very drunk the other night, but you shouldn’t have discussed your private life in the way that you did. Do not however backtrack or apologise for saying what you did because as you have already said it’s all true. You do not want them to think that it isn’t and that you make up crap when you’re drunk because that isn’t the case at all. . It possibly wouldn’t hurt to say that what you said has got back to him so you no longer wish to discuss it with anybody at work is just so they all also know that there is a snitch amongst you.

Could also be one woman dumping him because she didn't know about you/that there was an overlap/something else that meant he'd just been found out as a liar.

Do not give it another seconds thought! If he wasn’t such an arsehole nothing would’ve been said. ✌🏼

Not sure why you apologised.

Because she was intoxicated and emotionally incontinent at an industry event. Was inappropriate in her disclosure to other women and disparaging her ex. That about covers it. Understand now?

Don’t be so fucking patronising. I don’t think she needs to apologise as she was only stating the truth. If he doesn’t like it then he can stop acting the way he does. He’s the one who should be embarrassed, not her. And she certainly doesn’t need to apologise to him. Many other PPs on this thread have said the same.

The truth? No,It was a drunken disparaging outpouring at a work event that she now regrets and apologised for

mumsnet is a set of posts and a raucous read that is all. It isn’t an instruction manual . I’m not compelled to agree with the he’s a bad un and was the snitches wot done it posts

op is embarrassed that’s the whole point of thread
Him, he’s emerged unscathed. And folk have his back. Win win for him

I don’t understand why you are apologising if you only told the truth.

ignore him, block his number. Don’t think about it again.

What don’t you understand? Have you read @Hangxietic posts. This is more than her account of events. She made an intoxicated disclosure. She was inappropriate at a work event. She involved other people,who promptly told the man about her behaviour. All of that requires an apology. To her credit @Hangxietic did apologise, which was right thing to do

only told the truth…?What if he disputes her truth?