I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

If what you said was true I think it’s fine

Just brazen it out. You didn’t lie and he’s a prick.

’I’m sorry for telling everyone what you’re really like - I’ll be more careful in the future’ and move on.

He’s mad because he’s been found out. You know he’s a walking lie.
As long as everything you said is true then you’ve not slandered him.
Hold your head high, carry on with your job. They’ll move onto something else next week.

Would you? If it were me and someone was badmouthing a friend of mine then I'd say 'excuse me, thats my friend you're talking about, so maybe we should change the subject.' I'd not stand there passively listening then report back to my friend. It rarely helps anyone to hear what unpleasant things another person has said about them. Just stirs up trouble.

I don't think yo need to apologise to him at all.
You may want to apologise to your work colleagues for getting drunk and over-sharing but certainly not to him.

It'll be a nine days wonder if that.

Most people will just be a bit more wary of him (probably a good thing). Those that judge will just think you were bitching about an ex (and everyone has done that).

Nobody will care after two days max.

I really feel for you - this is very relatable. Why do women do things like this? Total shit- stirrers and unnecessary on their part. Says more about them than it does about you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

You told a couple of shit-stirrers the truth about an arsehole. If he doesn't like that, tough. The shit-stirrers will come a cropper eventually too. Your only real mistake here was apologising to the arsehole.

In Vino Veritas
You said whatever you said. You have to stand by that. You tell us that it was the truth so do not apologise except maybe for spoiling someone else's fun evening.
Getting rat-arsed at a works event is never a good career move.
My ex and his works do. If they didn't throw the furniture: - it was a good night!

Well if it was true leave it there. Not great judgement to lose control at work and bring your private life in but factual. Don't take it back, just don't engage any further. No more fawning.

If he raises it again, you could suggest both reflecting.

You on not ending things sooner and sharing at work, and him on his unpleasant behaviour and putting himself at risk of this affecting his professional life. Then say you have nothing further to say.

If it comes up again with colleagues I would just say 'i'd had a bit too much to drink and said a bit too much. I won't be discussing my private life again. Lesson learnt.'.

Just bluff it out. Being very drunk and indiscreet at a work event is not good but that is just something you have to get over. Don't leave your job/career/the country because of this. And no more apologies either.

You didn’t lie - let him be angry. So what.
“if people wanted me to speak well of them, they should have behaved better.” I believe the quote is Anne Lamott 😁
onward and upward, OP!
and those women certainly showed you that you can’t trust them. Turncoats.

Ah, good looking you say. Then, mean and unfair as this is, he will have several women willing and eager to not think bad of him. That’s why they went straight back to him.
It’s a frustrating situation but like others have said you told the truth and he doesn’t sound nice. If he’d been an ugly, fat toad they would have probably all just ignored it or believed you straightaway, not fanned the flames.

I still feel he is in the wrong for his behaviour to you and although not ideal that you spread word in a work-related place I don’t feel you have anything to be ashamed of. Try to keep a level head and ignore his rants if you can. It will die down after a week or so and be yesterday’s news. Stay strong.

Sisterhood isin’t a thing.

Do they know him? Better than they know you?

If a drunk woman (who I don’t know (well)), would come and mess my night with some relationship gossip and bad mouthing someone I know (haven’t RTFT, but so far you haven’t said what these ’bad things’ were about) I’d give them a heads up.

Take the hit, learn from this. And don’t be so dramatic, this isin’t American teen tv show.

If he doesn't want people knowing he's a cunt, he shouldn't behave like one 🤷

Don't do anything.
Just let it lie.

You were unprofessional but it's not the end of the world. I thought that you were going to say you did something much worse.

These women are colleagues not friends. Lesson learned.

In vino veritas. You said what you think and you’ve apologised. There’s nothing else you can do. It’s let you know who the backstabbers are though.

This is good advice.

You didn't break his confidence, presumably he's been a twat, yes it was a bit unprofessional but much much worse has happened at industry events!

Why on earth did you apologize??? Especially in writing.

Don't drink at work events. Ever. This has been my rule for 40 years, since I once had too much. Soft drinks or water & lemon only. Don't mix work and social life.

I agree with this

Oh please sorry for what exactly? You have done nothing wrong and the chances are he is simply ashamed of his own behaviour!

He’s still trying to control you.

Tell him that if he doesn’t like true details of his behaviour being repeated to others then that might be a cue for him to think about his own actions rather than blame other people.

Oh fuckem.

If he brings it up again hold your ground, tell him it's true and if he doesn't like hearing facts about his behaviour maybe he should treat people a little better......and in future get to know people a lot better before confiding in them. Then you'll hopefully avoid airing all to a load of pickmeshas who are thick enough to want the attention of a man who will treat them like shit.

They probably don't believe you if his reputation is as you say.

But they will be wary of him in the future. Or they should be.

I don't think you need to worry. If anyone wants to discuss it again refuse. And, as others have said, never drink at a work event again. I don't think you will!

And yes they are untrustworthy to tell so you know you can't trust any of them again.

The problem is your getting drunk at industry events.

You say you 'rarely' get drunk k but I believe you are minimising it and you shouldn't be getting drunk at all on these occasions as you are going to ruin your reputation.