I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

He is perfectly entitled to dispute her truth, but yes I have read everything & she doesn’t believe she has said anything false so she has nothing to apologise to him for.

the op should try not to get into that kind of state at work events as it could have a negative impact on how people view her professionally, but she does not work with the man & I cannot think of any reason why she owes him an apology. If she said she apologised to her colleagues for being drunk & over sharing that could be warranted.

Some of the replies on here illustrate perfectly how men get away with shitty and inappropriate behaviour for years.

This. Also, no need to rectify anything OP, there wasn't even any need to apologise to the man who mistreated you.
The women who ran to tell this piece of work what you said immediately were in the wrong. Please disregard anyone saying you did wrong, we shouldn't be normalising apologising to and caring about the hurt feelings of toxic men when the truth has been told. He should have behaved better, and is probably angry that you told the truth about him, harming his nice guy image.

Replies on this thread also perfectly illustrate a misplaced sense of sisterhood and camaraderie by expecting women to stick together solely by gender. The myth of sisterhood, expecting camaraderie & support because of gender. Isabella oakshott isn’t my sisterhood and I’m not compelled to support her or her obnoxious because she’s a woman

Regards this thread, op has given an account of being intoxicated and inappropriate at a industry event, she made dispaaging comments about her ex to other women,. She reflected and apologised. Clearly she thinks that’s the right course of action

op need to apologise for her inappropriate behaviour at a work event, for disparaging the ex to other people. It was inappropriate behaviour and unprofessional in a work setting

No one apart from op and her ex know what went on in the relationship. So mumsnet posters over expansive statements and proclamations about him or what went on are speculation and hyperbole. I wonder if some posters are using their experience of how men treated them they respond to op situation, over identifying.No one on mn knows the definitive of what went on.

Sisterhood?the women who relayed the disclosure back to the ex have been pilloried
They must secretly fancy him
They are snitches (is that you Martina?)
They are disloyal man pleasers

sisterhood is another way to control women it lays yet another behavioural expectation and value system upon women.another external Control another way to judge women. The women deemed to have deviated from sisterhood have been pilloried by other women

I think the only thing you need to regret is apologising to him. And maybe the unfortunate choice of women you spoke with about his behaviour. From what you've said, he's in the wrong, not you.

Maybe find a trusted friend (outside of your work industry) that you can confide in, so you can unload in a secure environment without the risk of it being repeated to him again.

I'm not going to preach about over-indulging with work colleagues, you're not the first and won't be the last. It happens, just hold your head high and forget about it.

The unfortunate in the scenario was the inappropriate behaviour & disclosure by op which she acknowledged hence the apology
The other women -They were entirely correct in their response and the subsequent disclosure to the ex. Professional women at a work event hear another worker being disparaged by his drunk ex, they relayed this. Absolutely. I’d do the same

If as you say you told the truth then don't worry about it.
I'm 20 and my "equivalent" experiences involve school or college, so probably not directly relevant. But I've been on gnos and spilled very personal beans about boys. One got back to him and I just said "well it's true" and the embarrassment level was higher for him than me as a result!

You were upset at how you have been treated, you said you spoke truthfully. Sometimes people do not like to hear the truth.
Leave it as it is and busy yourself with other things. Avoid vicious tongues , where you can (easier said than done)looking for a reaction. Change the subject/ignore/dismiss.

Forgive yourself, stop apologising to him, and move on.

Please don't feed into his misogyny. All you did was tell the truth. Don't apologise to him, don't try and "rectify" anything, (how can the truth be rectified? LOL). He's angry because it's out there. Better for other women to know he's vile imo. Onwards & upwards, you did your fellow women a solid.

@Hangxietic you’re not alone, a week or two ago I did something along these lines. Had a conversation where I shouldn’t, what was said was reported back to someone. I can’t even remember exactly what was said, though I remember having the conversation.

To some I am now the office villain, fortunately others have been very supportive. This someone has made life difficult for a number of departments, it particularly ramped up in the past 3 months. The someone has taken another job. On balance them going is a good thing but I do regret that my conversation was overheard because it wasn’t professional.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sure you felt you were sharing with people you could trust. But some women definitely don’t act like that.

Go to tiktok and look at how many women are trying to support Wade Wilson (murdered two women including repeatedly ran over one person in his car until she was unrecognizable) but saying he should be released as he’s good-looking and suave! It’s sad that some women can’t support women but I guess that’s why we need a work/life divide.

I’ve made a fool of myself a few times at work events due to alcohol so totally get it. Maybe it’s a good sign to not drink at work events. Or not go to them 😂. (Not judging at all, I promise!).

Obviously, I don’t know what he did during that time, but if it’s enough to trigger you at work events and/or effect your everyday life then it might be worth talking to a counsellor about it.

I hope you can take time to heal from this. Don’t let him win xxx

Also, ignore certain ppl in this chat. Maybe it’s him? If not, they may have the same issue so they’re not worth your time xxx

If he’d treated you properly, you wouldn’t have had anything bad to say though would you. If he’s enraged, it’s because these women have been told about his true personality. Learn from it, don’t share anything remotely personal with these women again. As for him, if he’d treated you properly, non of this would have happened so stop apologising to him!

Don't take on so. If you told these women that he was bad/abusive and they told him , then what did they think was going to happen next ???
They have done wrong, not you.

In order of magnitude, from the worst to the 'least worst', are what I see here.

• the way the guy treated you
• his 'fury' at hearing the truth
• you apologising to him
• staff rushing to apprise him of what you said
• you getting drunk
• you saying 'bad things' about him

So no, you needn't apologise to him. You'll live this down. Never, ever touch a drop of booze at staff / business dos in future.

I would do nothing now but I would never say anything to anyone I would be happy to have been said about myself or a man saying about a woman, if he was that bad I would have already broken up with him I am not that desperate

And no I would not drink again at work events but it has happened turning it into some dramatic drawn out thing dorant help

I just said he wasn't a good person and I called him some unpleasant names.
Name-calling is just unpleasant unfortunately, and I can understand why his colleagues would let him have a heads-up. If you'd said something specific and true, then it actually would have been better, because at least it's justifiable.

You've done it now though, and nothing to be gained from going over it. Stop talking to him now you've already apologised, apologise for the state you got into when you next see these women and otherwise forget about it.

Never trust colleagues- they will usually stab you in the back. You've learnt that, whilst having not actually said anything wrong. Screw them and him. They've shown the type of people they are, and you've told them what type of person he his, move on and get on.

He had it coming
Fuck him.

You didn’t do anything wrong. If he contacts you again tell him if he isn’t proud of his actions and doesn’t want people to know how awful he is, then maybe he should consider how he acts.

Dude just experienced consequences for the first time in his life.

What you described, although briefly sounds like the tell tell signs of someone with a personality disorder. I’ve experienced this and you’ve dodged a bullet. If he’s dating within his own industry then he will eventually do it to someone else and if they hear of what you went through and this starts to be a pattern for him, then maybe you’ll end up helping someone.

I had an ex who everyone thought was such a nice guy. He was awful to me behind closed doors and when we were alone. It started small and built up and it wasn’t until my mother flew over to visit for two weeks that his mask came off in front of someone else.

We were in a Manchester train station after coming back from Blackpool and he was visibly angry with me, almost shaking physically because I would not engage with an argument in front of my mother. To the point I was then not acknowledging his insults at all. He pushed me against a wall by the barriers and I’ve never seen people run so fast. My mother started crying and he got pulled off me by three other men who put him to the ground. Station police came. My mother was in tears.

His father was a former police officer and his sister who is a solicitor bailed him out then kept him at their house for a week so I could move. His dad actually came around everyday to make sure I was packing and leaving. On the second day when he walked into the house I handed him a stash of hash I found in the kitchen, told him son might need it. He turned red and left the house embarrassed. This enraged my ex and he called me spewing threats, but the main one being that he was going to come over and light the house on fire with me in I and burn me and my stuff.

I’m glad I took it seriously and called the police, who also took it seriously because they sent officers and the house. Sure enough he turned up at the house beating on the door making similar threats. The neighbour lady called the police and they sent out the fire brigade. Police arrived and then more police and more fire brigade.

He was arrested again.

I hate to think what would have happened if I stayed with him. I took six years of his abuse which turned physical in front of hundreds of people including my mother.

I am the Asshole because I contact any woman I see on his socials and I warn them and I always will. He’s threatened me with all sorts and he can do his worst.

So chin up. You are on the right side of this. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And don’t take shit from people.

Big hugs.

You have told the truth and your a human and have feelings. I would just try not to think about it .do something positive so you don't think about it maybe a walk or gym and speak to people that are supportive only non of these idiots . I hope your ok and at least you know not to speak to them woman again also . That's really mean of them . They all seem not to nice tbh.also don't be changing jobs, everyone says things when they feel down and pissed I bet them lot have done it also. Things usually blow over. X

Same here!

Unless your job is affected? Then nah don’t bother, if he mistreated you then that’s a him problem and not yours! I’d explain to everyone you didn’t like that you were UTI but you spoke the truth don’t you dare apologise to him - he clearly needs a lesson on respect himself but don’t let it get to you, life’s too short!