I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

I'd forget about it. Not very sisterly of your colleagues btw.

I wouldn't do anything. If he wanted you to speak well of him he would have behaved better.

Ok. So perhaps the audience you offloaded to wasn't the best choice -but don't let that one event be what you focus on here.

Forgive yourself for that night, congratulate yourself for getting out of what sounds like a toxic relationship and move on. Get support from people who have your interests at heart.

Don't allow him to be positioned in your mind as the victim here. The behaviour of the women is concerning to me. Relationships within the work place are tricky to manage. If they/ work can't see that you were in need of support then that's information for you to help inform your next moves.

If you do decide to leave to a work environment that is better suited to you then do so with your head held high and in the knowledge that someone somewhere down the line will turn out to be grateful for the heads up.

I wonder about whether there are undertones of discrimination and the beginnings of bullying /shaming here. I am not saying there are- I am saying I am wondering about it. You sound isolated and you shouldn't be.

You also sound riddled with shame and really in the big picture who should be feeling the shame here?

Why are you apologising to him if what you said is true?

If you only spoke the truth, he’s only annoyed as people have been told the truth. People like that never like others taking control.

Never trust anyone, especially half strangers, most people love gossip and drama when it doesn’t involve them.

don’t lose any sleep over it, yes sometimes it doesn’t pay to air your grievances publicly to all and sundry, try to feel empowered you stood your ground.

If it's all true, personally, I wouldn't sweat it. He shouldn't be a dick should he?

My bigger issue would be with the women who blabbed. Not cool.

Rise above it and hold your head high. You didn’t lie, you told other people exactly what he was like. I wouldn’t have messaged him apologising, I wouldn’t have acknowledged him at all. I’d have said I was warning other women what he’s like

I agree.
What twats!

You should absolutely not have apologised. You told the truth about a side to him that he hides deliberately. Never trust women to do anything decent with information. You should just have said, 'sorry my tongue slipped a little when I had too much to drink but I didn't lie so I don't see what you have the audacity to be mad about. If you didn't like what I said, imagine how I felt experiencing you that way. If you do things to people, expect to face them and be called out on them'

We really need to normalise talking about and shining a light on the behaviour people try to hide.

@Hangxietic
Maybe it was said light heartedly!
As in,
Talking to @Hangxietic there, what did ya do on her 🤭

Just leave it. It will blow over.

You know notch it up to experience tbh a bit of home truths will do him no harm . Carryon and live your best life you’ve said sorry so leave it at that . Don’t get into the drama of it all

You are feeling anxious because you are hangover I used to feel like that after just being silly with people from work. Ok maybe you should not have said all this stuff but you did it .. (easy to say) it's a bit embarrassing ... But he is an asshole. It's ok, you'll have to live with it but no one will think much except that maybe you talk bad about people when you are drunk and no one else will date you from this industry. You didn't do a lap dance for the CEO... I have really bad drinking anxiety... Little thing becomes quite stressful... Once I realized it's anxiety I was so relieved....

Whilst I do think things will likely blow over soon without any long-term damage to your reputation or career, I think I’m going to go slightly against the grain of other posters opinions on what you did- however justified your anger towards your ex-boyfriend is, I think it was unprofessional and foolish behaviour that had the potential to backfire badly on you. This is not something I would be dismissing as “well you told the truth, so you weren’t in the wrong/he will be embarrassed and deserves it/ it serves him right”. I think this is very naive way to look at the situation, at best, if not deliberately obtuse. The workplace is not the place to air grievances regarding a romantic relationship/behaviour within that relationship, unless it directly impacts on them professionally (e.g. a doctor with an alcohol problem or a teacher who has been violent or behaved in a sexually inappropriate manner). In my workplace this could lead to a grievance being raised (you can’t bring personal relationships/the fall out into workplace and bad-mouthing colleagues is frowned on- even if you strongly believe everything you said is true) whether the grievance would go anywhere is another matter.

You may not be wrong in regards to how poorly he has treated you OP, but bad-mouthing him at an industry event was inappropriate and could well reflect badly on you. It’s not as simple as “you told the truth, he should not have done whatever you say he did”- that’s not how life actually works. People don’t just believe whatever you say, for a start, especially when it does not fit with their own experience or knowledge of that person. If you spout it whilst blind drunk, they even less likely to take it at face value. Lots of people blame their ex in a break up, sometimes that isn’t entirely true or fair and sometimes it is. Your workplace or an industry event is probably not the place to bring it up.

If someone I did not know well, and who was very drunk, started to bad-mouth a colleague based on issues in a personal/romantic relationship that has recently ended- in all honesty I would probably take whatever they said with a bit of a pinch of salt, at the very least. I’d probably feel quite uncomfortable and think bad mouthing a colleague in this manner and in this setting was unprofessional. I might wonder a little about this person’s judgment. I’d quite probably give them a wide berth, unless I knew them well enough to think this was out of character.

It’s one thing to vent to a friend/close colleague, it’s another to do the same thing to colleagues you don’t know well and assume because they are also women they will automatically believe you. That is just bizarre. Especially if they respect/like your ex. And yes, if he is good looking and charming, he will probably get greater benefit of the doubt than if he looked like a toad. But it the reality of the situation.

OK lady, stop apologising!
So outing him as the legitimately poor human he is at a work function isn't ideal but was anything you said a lie??
No, so accept the fact you've overshared and, quite frankly, fuck him and his bullshit!

So many of us have done terrible things! I asked a client when her baby was due…..yes…..no baby just a little extra tummy. And we stayed working together for years. So many of these - stick it out. It’s horrific but amazing how everything passes if you just put your head down and do good work. Xx

Seriously you didn't say anything that wasn't true and that should be your response.

This man is not a colleague, they work in the same industry.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You aren't the first and you won't be the last to say something you wish you hadn't whilst drinking; we've all done it at some point. I think the reason you are feeling bad is probably because you behaved in a way that is out of character for you by your own personal high standards, and it probably feels a bit uncomfortable as you probably didn't intend for it to happen. As others have said though, you haven't done anything that bad. When I read the title I was thinking you may have thrown a drink in his face or something or caused a massive scene at the work event! I really wouldn't worry about it. (I know that's easier said than done) but if he has treated you badly then the embarrassment should be all his, NOT yours. You told the truth so own it, but leave it now (which I know you are going to) as he is not worth the stress. People will probably have their own worries/problems to be getting on with, so this won't be hot gossip for long. Don't leave your job as you sound like you are good at your profession, and this will blow over. It's just a shame a wanXer has put you in a position where you felt vulnerable and needed to offload. Hold your head up high. Act normally at work and I'm sure people will follow your lead and just move on. If anyone DOES say anything like "Are you ok?" Just make a joke of it and say something like "Yes, but won't be drinking on an empty stomach again!" or something. The guy sounds like a player to me, if these women were running back to tell him tales. They sound a bit sad to me! Let us know how you get on. Do you work day to day with these people? Or just bump into them at corporate events?

You are honestly over-thinking this. It happened. He treated you badly. You outed him. 🤷‍♀️. This sh*t happens. Seriously - if this is your only anxiety or you are piling it onto other anxieties- it’s a waste of time. The three people running back to him with the gossip is a bit unpleasant. But other than that I would just move on. Certainly don’t leave your job or industry as a result of one bad romance. We’ve all had them.

Ok- I was not clear how closely they work together, but I stand by the gist if what I said. It was not the time nor the place to try to tarnish her ex’s reputation. It wasn’t professional. The fact that it was a wider industry event may well be worse for OP’s reputation amongst industry colleagues.

Bad-mouthing someone so openly in regards to a personal/romantic relationship is unprofessional, in almost all circumstances I can think of. It’s unlikely that him being a bit of a shit as a partner (according to OP) is relevant to his ability to do his job well.

These women she was bad-mouthing him to don’t know her well, but seem to know her ex-boyfriend well enough to inform him of what OP has said. That suggests they don’t believe her OR there is another motive (to stir things up because they like the drama, or to ingratiate themselves with him, or to make things difficult for OP for their own reasons). She was blind drunk and venting- it’s not hard to paint a scenario in which OP is seen as a bit of a loose cannon/her professional reputation is impacted on (likely short-lived). Depending on the nature of this industry event- e.g. who was there and who else heard her/has been told what she said- it could get back to her employer or people who matter for OP’s career. Hopefully not, but it’s not hard to see how it could make a bad impression.

It’s a strong possibility that an ex-partner bad- mouthing someone whilst blind drunk will not be taken as the most reliable source- let’s face it, ex’s are not always the most unbiased towards their former partner, even more so in situations where the split is acrimonious. In many break ups there are rights and wrongs on both sides- I’m not saying OP is wrong about her ex’s behaviour- we can’t know- merely saying I wouldn’t automatically believe everything a drunken acquaintance/someone I know vaguely says about someone that person has recently ended a relationship with. Especially if that did not fit with my personal experience/knowledge of their ex/the ex’s general reputation. When you consider that her ex is generally well respected within his industry, and can be quite charming, I would say he could play it off as an angry ex with a grudge trying to make trouble for him.

The women who ran and tattled tales are the ones who behaved badly here.

Did they egg you on, do you think?

As an aside, and not as related as you may think to the current situation - try not to drink to excess at work functions, conferences, etc.

Yes to this.

Don’t you just love women who are in your corner !!
Don’t give it another thought you didn’t lie you just told the truth. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Hi op,

Please do not let him have the silver lining. It is your truth. If he didn’t want that to happen then surely he should behave the way he wants people to talk about him.

can’t have it both way.

Gosh it is hard when other women aren’t supportive. They were not helpful.

Just do not add. Don’t apologize anymore and if he answer to you to ask you to retract your words or else, don’t answer.

hope you ok 🌺