I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

Even though you say you only told the truth, this was a work thing, and as you work in the same industry you slating him to people is unprofessional (as it looks like you have realised yourself). So you did the right thing to apologise, though he probably personally doesn’t deserve your apology. You may find your work go down a disciplinary route (though hopefully just an informal chat instead), but it doesn’t sound like it was bad enough to warrant sacking you! I’m sure it will blow over eventually.

This. You've got nothing to feel bad about

Thing is, you’ve not said on here what he’s done, nor said it to these women. just said it was bad and to them hurled some abuse at him.

for me. You clearly hold a lot of hurt about whatever happened, but I do not feel slagging him off to peers is in any way acceptable, nor is getting so drunk at work events you black out. So I’d focus on how you manage your emotions.

I am trying not to be identifying. Lord knows I’ve learnt the hard way about how much info I give away.

MN posts often get picked up by the media. I couldn’t bear that happening here. This whole episode has already shot my mental health. Hence I’ve kept it high level.

Yes, I did hold a lot of hurt and pent up frustration from him. I don’t have any feelings for him now, oddly. I feel embarrassment and some nerves about retaliation from him, but otherwise only relieved to be free of him.

And yes, again, the point of my post is that I know this wasn’t acceptable.

One of the worst things about your posts have been the way they were seen as encouragement to slag off other women. Not you, but posters have called them handmaidens. You talk about sisterhood whilst bitching about professional women. It is the worst kind of sexism. Avoid being unkind about other women when they have done nothing wrong except be on the end of your drunken rants.

It’s not my post ! I’m just saying if this man wanted the OP to speak fondly of him he should have behaved better. He can’t behave badly then not expect her to talk about it !

I agree with you. And I’m stunned the op thinks they all told him as they want to get with him, what a low opinion she has. They likely told him as they know him, respect him professionally and she was off her face slagging him off at a work event. I’d want to be told that. And I’d not think tn4 teller only told me as they wanted to shag me,

If nothing you said was a lie, I'd shrug it off!

Perhaps your timing and mode of delivery wasn't great, but if people are arseholes, then I'd personally have no problem telling other people that fact!

Honestly it'll pass. At the very worst people are just going to think you took a break up badly. Unfortunately but also fortunatley it won't affect him at all in the long run, especially as he can charm people.

You didn't go into detail and you told the truth. Most people have bad stuff to say about their ex.

I take it you told the raw, unfiltered truth about him, no actual slander?

Good outcome - you're OUT of that crap relationship.

The fact so many women heard could actually help them, should any of them be considering getting involved with him. They can't say they weren't warned.

Don't apologise. (If you told the truth).

Getting pissed with colleagues is not a good idea. Especially not if emotions and resentments are high. Don't do it again.

You may always be 'oh she's the one who got pissed and said ...'. Or maybe the next night out, it'll be someone else splurging their drunken indiscreet truth and you'll be old news.

Give it a bit of time and see.

But only you can decide how you feel after that. I think leaving the country is a BIT drama drastic.

There is a little more info I haven’t been comfortable to share here, that does somewhat support my instincts.

That said, when I wrote the post yesterday I wasn’t thinking at all rationally. I was in panic and despair. So I do now acknowledge that they were simply giving him a heads up.

Unfortunate that you grovelled to him, apologising and talking about rectifying things.

”It might have been indiscreet to say it but what I said was true. Your behaviour was terrible. However Drop this now, and I will not go into detail or mention it further “ might have been a better response.

I’d honestly put it behind you. It isn’t going to reflect on him, generally this sort of thing just comes across as the bitter ex, gutted she was dumped. And offering to rectify it and grovelling doesn’t exactly contradict that, nor the jealous fhey told him as they want him as he’s so charming nonsense.

just hold your head up, laugh it off next time you see these people. They will have forgotten about it already

But why?

Friends, colleagues, stronger connection to him than her. I don’t feel genders are relevant. It’s about getting wankered at a work event then acting like the bitter ex. Wouldn’t you want to know if someone you dated did that? I would.

I'm sorry you've been going through this OP. I get it, you feel some remorse for being unprofessional - fine - leave any remorse you feel at that ie in terms of your own behaviour fell short of the standards you hold for yourself. But you've apologised profusely to him and feel really bad from that perspective, when all you did was tell the truth about his bad behaviour. Has he apologised to you for that? - I very much doubt it. Do you think he feels any remorse for that? Again, I very much doubt it.

So don't beat yourself up any more about this. It's done, you've apologised, albeit arguable you didn't need to. You're human, this really isn't the worst thing - far worse to hurt another person the way he has hurt you. So try and be kind to yourself and just put it behind you. Hold your head high and forget about it.

Why? Because it’s the right thing to do
if someone' I knew was discussed disparagingly at work event yes id tell them. Of course I would

I basically agree with this. There is no way to make personal criticisms of one’s ex at an industry event.

I also agree about holding your head up and laughing it off, though realistically if word has got back to your seniors it may take a while to regain the ground you have lost.

I do agree with your disappointment in these women. Partly it’s about the sisterhood. More pragmatically, you weren’t saying anything that anyone would take seriously: I don’t see that your drunken rant actually harmed this guy. (I think your reaction is based in the fact that you let yourself down.)

The professional response by these women would have been to divert you, offer you a soft drink, mention their friendship if any with your ex, etc. Ie it would have been to act in the moment to minimise your rant rather than snitching after the fact.

Take care and best wishes

Sisterhood?What does sisterhood mean to you? Unilateral support & affirmation to other women when they’re intoxicated and being inappropriate at a work event. Are you recommending the head tilt and awwww babe platitude to the drunk who’s disparaging her ex (who is known and liked). Agreeing with @Hangxietic because she’s a woman That's not sisterhood it’s twee and ill judged

I'd recommend acknowledging she's hurt, drunk and behaving inappropriately, and drawing a line under it. It was a mistake. She knows. She regrets it. No need to pile on the misery.

Hardly.

Telling the ex served no useful purpose, as OP was on a drunken rant no one should rationally take seriously - by her own admission it contained no content and in the retelling it sounds possibly damaging to her but not to him.

Thus no professional purpose was served by telling him. You may recall that I also suggested these women should have tried to shut OP down if they were truly concerned.

I am a STEM academic who began PG studies in a time and place when women needed to be extra competent and even so to support each other. You could hardly find a woman or cohort less into the type of ‘sisterhood’ you describe.

I’m not sure I agree, I for one would want to know if an ex was getting off their face at work events and abusing me, I’m surprised anyone wouldn’t. Yes it only reflects on the op , she looks like the bitter drunken ex, but if I knew and liked the person involved I’d tell them what their ex was doing and saying, man or woman,

curious if it was a man doing what the op did,do you still feel the woman shouldn’t be told, or is this, she’s a woman so we should cover up for her? A;L girls together?

If there was no content to their rant, I would not appreciate having it brought up. How would I be able to refute a vague accusation that I’m a bad person?

I would prefer that those who heard the rant take it for the sore feelings of a drunk. That’s exactly what it sounds like. Most of us have either been there or metaphorically held the hand of someone who was, though ideally not at a work event. Least said, soonest mended

And that’s fine you don’t want to know. I would, and I would tell the man or woman involved if it was at a work event and it was to peers. Amongst mates, no. Of course not. But this wasn’t her friends, this was at a work event. She slagged him off to his peers.

If someone dissed me professionally in this situation, I would want to be told. I think there is an obligation to say something, perhaps guardedly, all the more if the tale is being told by someone with suspect objectivity.

An opinion that was clearly the fallout from a personal relationship is different to me, again all the more for the restraint concerning detail. The women (or men) would have been more professional if they had prevented this sorry story from being told. Or declined to listen

We can disagree