Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

348 replies

Hangxietic · 20/08/2024 16:45

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 21/08/2024 15:06

poetryandwine · 21/08/2024 14:59

If someone dissed me professionally in this situation, I would want to be told. I think there is an obligation to say something, perhaps guardedly, all the more if the tale is being told by someone with suspect objectivity.

An opinion that was clearly the fallout from a personal relationship is different to me, again all the more for the restraint concerning detail. The women (or men) would have been more professional if they had prevented this sorry story from being told. Or declined to listen

We can disagree

I see your point for sure. Whether it needed to be the full detail or a heads up would have sufficed to limit damage, or whether it could have been contained between the group I don't know.

Either way, I don't think the OP owes any further apology to her ex.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 21/08/2024 15:32

If what you said is true I'd challenge him and say 'if you hadn't behaved like that I wouldn't have had anything to tell them. Hopefully you will earn from this',

it's not bad mouthing if it's true - it's stating facts.

Either way, don't trust those women again. Tell them why.

Staunchlystarling · 21/08/2024 15:34

No I don’t think she owes further apology either. I suspect what’s happened is one person said to him your ex was pissed and slagging you off to a group of us, and he’s asked what she said and who was there, then confirmed with the rest of them, likely apologised for it. Rather than they all went running to him. That’s wat more plausible.

its one of these things it should now be quietly left in the past.

Jorge14 · 21/08/2024 17:46

You’ve apologised & you didn’t lie about anything, I don’t think there is anything else you can do now, just leave it. Learn not to overshare in future, we’ve all done it. Xx

Yalta · 21/08/2024 17:50

I would be looking at the women who tattled to your ex in a weird way from now on.
What they did put me in my mind of silly school girls doing a pick me dance around the “hot boy”

Poppalina37 · 21/08/2024 17:52

Goodness me, it was the truth xx FairPlay to you for apologising though x he probably doesn't even think he's a @@@@ but fug him x

You've given the heads up that he's an arse! One of those women will have taken it on board.... they're seriously lacking the sisterhood though 😡.

Don't run away.... you are human x not the best move professionally but I have no doubt you have learnt from it and won't repeat this in the future x

They do say x a woman scorned and all that jazz xx move on xx it'll be yesterdays news soon xx

Words stick..... so your work here is done 👍

Buffs · 21/08/2024 17:55

He treated you badly. You told the truth. We have all been indiscreet after a few dinks. Forgive yourself. Head up, plough on.

VickyPollard25 · 21/08/2024 18:04

I don’t think you have done something awful. Get some perspective. It sounds like he had it coming.

I recommend you watch Yellowstone and be a bit more Beth Dutton ;-)

In all seriousness, this will pass. Just stick up for yourself. If he confronts you, just tell him it’s all true and to back off.

I don’t know why you feel bad about this. The person who was the real arsehole should be feeling bad, not the person who talked about his bad behaviour.

VickyPollard25 · 21/08/2024 18:06

WotsYourExcuse · 20/08/2024 18:59

And we haven't even heard his side of the story. The only thing we know is that he was slagged off to his colleagues by a drunken former love interest.

No one cares about his side of the story. He isn’t the one who has written on MumsNet asking for advice.

Louisemumof5 · 21/08/2024 18:09

Forgive yourself, you are human, you’ve been treated poorly and you were hurting. As someone said earlier, this will pass. You’ve not lied, you don’t make a habit of talking bad about people, you felt low and hurt, maybe it wasn’t the best environment to communicate your grievances but you are not the first and definitely won’t be the last. Lessons for you both to learn, but please have a word with yourself, you are not a bad person and you don’t have to put this right. X

Soberinthecity · 21/08/2024 18:10

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2024 16:49

Head held high and pretend it never happened.
This too shall pass.
Oh, and maybe consider sobriety.?

Totally agree. This may sound drastic but honestly, getting sober is the best thing I ever did. Literally the only thing I regret nowadays is that I wish I’d done it sooner…. as far as what you did: firstly what you said was true. Secondly it will blow over, eventually, and be yesterday‘s news.

Sometimesright · 21/08/2024 18:10

Hangxietic · 20/08/2024 16:45

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

I wouldn’t have apologised for what I said if it was true! I would however apologise for saying it in the circumstances that I did.
I wouldn’t be asking him what I can do to rectify it either that puts you in a position of vulnerability imo. I would just say sorry and leave it at that.
in future don’t say things to people you don’t trust especially if you are just sounding off.
amine asking for more info just tell them to do one!

HauntedPencil · 21/08/2024 18:12

I wouldn't have apologised to be honest. I would say that you wouldn't have ordinarily spoken about it at work and you won't again but that's all.

I wouldn't have liked have told people my business at a work event so I can nunserstand you feel awful but people so far far worse things. Try not to beat yourself up

Sleepytiredyawn · 21/08/2024 18:16

What’s done is done. But if you ever feel like you need to apologise to anyone within the industry, apologise for your drunken actions as you have said this isn’t normally you at all. Don’t apologise for telling your truth!

Cactusmad · 21/08/2024 18:18

You may get some belated solidarity from unexpected sources. Chalk it down to experience. He now knows he can’t treat you badly. I hope u feel better about it all soon .

ZoeLoey · 21/08/2024 18:19

"the kindest human on the planet" my my we do have a high opinion of ourselves don't we. Seriously get a grip.

Miaminmoo · 21/08/2024 18:20

I'd double down and tell him to go F himself, sometimes attack can be the best form of defense - I wouldn't apologise if it was all true, I'd just shrug and move on,

Pettyhangingbaskets · 21/08/2024 18:21

Boo hoo, he’s all cross because he got found out
Fuck him

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/08/2024 18:25

Please just remember that if he had been more respectful towards you none of this would be happening. So don’t let him make you the problem!!

MelodyFinch · 21/08/2024 18:29

Could there be real consequences for your indiscretions, like with your job?
Did you withhold something about his treatment of you that could be damaging to him?
If there could be consequences for your job then perhaps the fact that you withheld some facts could protect you.
The misplaced shame will fade. Hold your head up high.

anon666 · 21/08/2024 18:34

He's just getting a taste of what he deserves, since he had treated you badly.

Let it go.

Remorse is a feeling that passes with time. In a week you'll feel better.

Movingonup313 · 21/08/2024 18:35

Just to echo what ive read in most of the comments - you have nothing to apologise for or be worried about. He treated you badly. The women listened to you, maybe even egged you on, and then ran to him to bitch. You trusted them. They could have said something like - dont go there, i feel obliged to tell him anything you say about him - be open and transparent if they are going to throw you under a bus. They were unprofessional and unkind. You had misguided trust in them - everyone knows you didnt tell them in the expectation or want that it would go back to him. Can he influence their promotion or something? Very odd behaviour on their part. I supposr they could claim to be drunk too and didnt think it though. It will all blow over. Block him and confide in a true friend, or in yourself in a journal. It will all settle soon - from someone who did something terrible in 2003 and struggled to show her face for weeks. Then i realised no-one cared. Was so out of character for me too and I was very drunk too. Hope you feel better soon

AgataH · 21/08/2024 18:37

Relax and stop beating yourself up. I hope there will be no real consequences at work because of it.

As for the guy fuck him. He was an ass to you anyway and he’s not worth your time.
As for the woman or women who repeated what you said, forget them too. Just don’t tell them anything else. They are NOT your friends. Vent to a friend if you need to.

Concentrate on yourself, seek counseling to work through your emotions. You need effective coping mechanisms to deal with such situations in a productive way next time.

I don’t know your age but I can tell you it took me nearly 40 years to come to conclusion I was missing a toolkit how to deal with life. Once I got it, things started finally make sense to me. Now I AM in charge of me and I don’t give a power to other people to make me feel certain way.

Think about it as a great life lesson where you learnt so many important things! Best of luck to you! I would avoid alcohol also.

Jessica3075 · 21/08/2024 18:42

Is this a highly professional company where your actions may cause difficulties in future in terms of your role or promotion. It might (though shouldn’t) cause problems for you in future.

remain calm. If he’s behaved like an arse, you’ve behaved no worse in outing him, drunk or not.

Notreadytomakenice · 21/08/2024 18:45

PaminaMozart · 20/08/2024 16:49

Head held high and pretend it never happened.
This too shall pass.
Oh, and maybe consider sobriety.?

As a sober person, if this is a one off, please don't feel the need to never drink again. People fuck up, it's human nature, people (good people) also forgive, or at least move on, perhaps separately. You did something a bit silly, it is ok, you'll live. Most people won't remember or care.
This too shall pass xxx