To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

YANBU

However, your mum has said she finds it too much. I agree, nursery will be a good option for one or two mornings.

I would decrease the amount of times I met for lunch. Every day would be too much for me.

Maybe your mum had FOMO because your MIL wants to be more engaged? It is a shame your DM doesn't want to look after her DGC for 2 weeks a week. They are missing out.

I know people expecting their DPs/ILs to provide daily care, school holidays support and babysitting overnight. That is reasonable.

Try not to take this too personally, OP. Not sure if you’re a regular on this forum but it can get pretty bitchy pretty fast. The majority of people here give great advice and support with compassion and understanding, but a select few posters are very quick to fire things up and spread a bit of negativity around! Ignore any nastiness. You asked for opinions about your mums attitude & capabilities regarding the childcare situation, and I bet you’ve had loads of advice on that, so take it on board and let the personal insults and cruel comments wash right over you. It’s totally unnecessary, but some ppl relish the opportunity to unleash their inner bitch anonymously 🙄

Maybe the grandparents were considerably younger?

I know when I was at school that most of the mums were younger than my mum who was 32. So if you eg had a child at 22 and they had a child at 22, you'd only be 44.

And of course most women didn't work back then either.

I recall my mil fighting so hard to baby sit and us going out. I didn’t want to , I was perfectly happy with taking my child out with us, as I worked, so spending time with her was important to me. Anyway I did it. When we went to collect you’d think the pair of them had just run a marathon in 40 degree heat. They looked exhausted and traumatized. And it had been about 3 hours.

i think the pp who mentioned being on heightened alert has something. It’s not like looking after your own. And that in itself is stressful.

i suspect she took your saying no lunch today as some form of punishment for her whinging.

@blackpear & others

please don't be so dogmatic in your thoughts.

it is down to the actual person.

my Great Aunt is 96 and in the last couple of years wouldn't have been able to manage a toddler, but certainly could when her now 4 yo granddaughter was born & growing up. She now has her one day each week of the s hook holidays & wishes she could do more, but has to admit she just gets too tired now. At 75, she was a LOT more sprightly than I at 55.

my mum is 81 & she still looks after my brother kids, but it now mostly involves driving elder 2 to part time jobs & sporting commitments & having the youngest (12) stay over. When they go out or away (a lot with the middle child sports things).

she would cope with 2 hours with a 1 yo but it would tire her out completely.

im 55, I look after small children and I'm fucking knackered! I'm looking to cut down to 4 days.

take each PERSON on their own ability

@Welshlady89 I would go mad if my Mum (much as I love her) came for lunch every day.

I think you'd both benefit from cutting back on that (familiarity breeds contempt) and I think you should tell her that nursery can have DD one more morning a week if that would suit her better, then she can just have 'granny' time when she wants to.

ignore her 'well I'll not have her anymore then' statement we all lash out at times. Especially when we feel tired & unappreciated. Do you ever take her small thank you things?

OTOH if she's generally a bit down on you & it makes you unhappy, just book the extra day in nursery & if she says anything, remind her that she told you she wasn't having DD anymore!

Give me a newborn and I'll look after it all day. A toddler on the other hand, no thanks😆

You are not being unreasonable OP. I wonder if you spend too much time together? Seeing your mum everyday seems too much. Maybe that's the issue? Two hours a week is not a lot of childcare but maybe sering each other every day is? Also is your child high energy or high need? That might make ir harder.?

I hate this type of woe is me from your mum. Insisting you move closer and insists on you not sending your daughter to nursery then becomes resentful you did what she wanted! wtf.

Dh is 75 and capable of looking after himself but wouldn’t b capable of looking after a toddler.

i agree with others that you need some childcare

Actually, having done childcare and back in the day was not keen on the idea of nurseries, I have completely changed my view

Unless GP are very hands on with craft/activities/play etc I think nursery on the whole is a better idea (as long as it's a good staff/child ratio)

Possibly the age is swaying more to the older side for grandparents now, but there seems to be a running theme that they raised their children, now go off and raise your own whilst I do my own thing, pay out the nose for for it too. When all of the grandparents I know of had a hell of a lot of help from their own parents.. selfish.

*My own experiences

I'm in my 50's. Always dreamed of a day I could look after grandchildren.

After a recent weekend away with young children in my vicinity crying, nothing more, I have realised I cannot look after children. I do not want to be near a crying child.

It reduced me to a very nervous, stressed, anxious mess. Having raised four children it really surprised me. I'm just not up to doing it over again.

Maybe your mum is the same?

Yeah I'd get alternative childcare and also stop feeding her lunch every day. She sounds like a martyr who insists she wants to help when you offer to get alternative childcare then likes to moan. Two hours isn't long. After her barrage of abusive messages I'd tell her it's clearly not working, neither of you need the stress and for the sake of your relationship you're going to look for other options now as you don't want to fall out over it or for her to be stressed every week.

I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer.

Luckily, you don't have to. Your mother has just sent 20 'Dear John' resignation messages so it's time to sort out a nursery.

I had no help on account of both grandmothers being dead. I've done loads.

Anecdote does not equal data

Being a grandparent and playing with your very young grandchild is a world away from having to be responsible for their welfare on a strict time schedule. Let her go back to being a grandma.

I’m in my late 50’s and have the odd minor health issue but my older sister is in her seventies and despite her many years as a primary school teacher, there’s no way she could look after a toddler on her own for more than a couple of hours. She’d be far too knackered despite being pretty fit and healthy for her age. She still does a lot of community based volunteer work but she can alter her hours to suit if she’s not feeling great on a given day.

I think until you get past menopause and into your 50’s, it’s really difficult to appreciate how much your body can change and slow down. Also, for the record, both sets of parents were dead before kids came along and we just got on with it as you can too.

I find your Mum's behaviour very odd.

I am 70 and have a grandchild aged 9 months.
I'd love to look after her but my daughter lives too far away.
It's a source of unhappiness for me especially as the MIL is very hands-on and I can't be.

Has something happened that's dented your Mum's confidence or similar?

Is she going through a tough time for any other reason (maybe something you are not aware of?)

Two hours in a day, once a week, is nothing.

I have friends in their late 60s who look after very young grandchildren (aged 2) for a whole day or even a weekend when their parents go away.

Can you ask her why things have changed?

I don't think you sound like you're in the wrong and some of the comments on here are plain bad-tempered for no reason.

When people are snappy and tetchy though it can often be for reasons we fail to understand like they are covering over for something, anxious or upset about something or even aching or in pain.

I'm not saying your mum is in pain or anything but it's worth thinking about whether she might be aching and therefore just a bit snappy. The other thing to think about is whether she feels it's too much for her but doesn't really want to admit that to herself and therefore is tetchy and snappy with you and you feel aggrieved because you are just doing what you thought she wanted.

Cancelling lunch was perhaps misconstrued as you being cross with her when she'd just done you a favour.

You seem very avoidant of her "resentment" as you call it rather than just sitting down and chatting with her or trying to consider whether it might not be resentment but something else. It's worth bearing in mind that some older people absolutely hate admitting to feeling tired or less than energetic, particularly as you describe a woman still working a physical job. Maybe she prides herself on that and doesn't want to admit to getting tired looking after the grandchild.

Lastly you mention that your mum was a great mum but struggled a bit with the boredom of baby stage. If that is happening again it might bring up uncomfortable feelings for her of guilt if she felt bad about this back in the day when messages to mothers were even worse than they are now.

Sounds like some communication is in order and whatever you both decide to do, a bit of recognition that it is tiring looking after youngsters and there's no personal failure in that if a person does get a bit tetchy or tired after. If you both wish her to continue perhaps you can speak more openly about it and should your appreciation and support or if she's snappy this could maybe be recognised and even joked about or helped rather than run away from.

You both sound like you get on well but it's always worth looking behind the surface to see if there are other reasons someone might be getting ratty. She may even simply be hungry and need her lunch.

It's for 2 hours- not even a half day!

And women don't have to slow down after 50. Only if they allow themselves to.
My own mum was doing 10 mile walks at 80 with her walking group.

WTAF is it with all the drama at OP about this! 2 hours a week is nothing. Her mother hasn’t got one foot in the grave FFS
YANBU at all OP, but just make life easier for yourself and make get something else sorted it’s not worth the grief 🥴
💐

Op I'd take her at her word and arrange alternative childcare, sounds rather dramatic to bombard you with messages and say she won't look after dgd again, that's rather ott if you ask me and emotionally immature. Does she behave like this over other things?

Why do you invite her over for lunch every day? Is it enjoyable for you both or an obligation? She wants to be involved but not on her own with dd?

It's sad if she finds it stressful and gets so tetchy with you, when I'm sure you had hoped she'd enjoy her time with your dd. She may find it easier as dd gets older and just struggles with this particular age. My dm was similar, we had some dramas. I never expected any help, or asked for it, she'd play the martyr and insist occasionally though. Then say it was too much for her afterwards, act resentful that she'd had to do it even though she was the one who insisted! So I found it less stressful and emotionally draining to just book extra time for dd at the childminder when I needed to.

Mil occasionally offered to drive 90 mins each way to babysit for birthdays, anniversary etc, we did it a few times but it was too much for her with the drive as well, the difference was she really wanted to help and loved her time with dd. My dm just didn't enjoy it and found that age too stressful, which was absolutely fine and understandable, a bit sad yes, but I'd rather dd was in a calm environment, and not have to deal with drama from dm

Would it not occur to you that older people might be coming at this with personal experience?! Don't be so dismissive.

Your mother is coming across loud and clear that it's too much.

You seem to have a good relationship with her - can't you talk it through frankly? Tell her that she can't mind her and moan. She either minds her with a positive outlook or not at all. I'd be making other arrangements quite honestly! I think it's a tall order to have women in their 70s minding a toddler. The age of posters is irrelevant!

Looking after your grandkid for 2 hours once a week is not unreasonable.. you shut the door and turn your head and 5 mins has already passed.. and the woman goes to their house every day for lunch. Your post is silly.

I don’t think ur unreasonable, however Mumsnetters will think you are.

however from personal experience, just put ur child in nursery. It’ll save u the agro x

That's still not the same as all the bending, stretching and lifting or mental load that accompanies looking after a 1 year old whose safety and wellbeing depends entirely on you.

If the OP's mum doesn't feel capable of that or even just doesn't want to do it, that is fine.