To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Yes, it’s easy to spout all sorts of nonsense when you don’t actually do it yourself. 😂😂

Well, if she wants to do it perhaps there is a third option, which is to accept the help, let her vent a bit and then say that you know it can be very full on and you appreciate her spending that time with your daughter.

She' s hardly minding her when it's only for 2 hours.
At a year old she'll just be walking and there is a lot you can do with a 1 year old- reading and playing or going for a little walk outside.

2 hours is nothing.

And I wish posters would stop suggesting older women are useless and feeble.

When my mum would have turned 80, she'd been dead for 17 years.

Oh don't be so daft.

I DO do it but not every week.

Is this some kind of competition?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss, and that your children will not know the delight of being with them (if that would be the case). My post was more about grandparents that had help when their children were young and now fob off the younger generation.

Your post is silly because you are entirely unable to imagine that not everyone has the exact same experience.

The OP's mum isn't obliged to look after her grandchild at all.

And I wish posters would realise that increasing age does come with limitations, whether you like it or not!

It doesn't matter if it is two hours, two days or two minutes. THIS PARTICULAR LADY is not coping.

Bombarding you with twenty texts I suggests to me that your mother is a bit unhinged. Either there has been a personality change or I suspect that she wasn’t as good a mother as you think she was. At your age, I may have said the same about my own mother but in hindsight I can see that I was wrong.

Two hours is a very short amount of time and as you say, she still works and is fit. She finds the time and energy to visit you every day for lunch. It seems like she wants everything on her terms. Do you really want to see her every day? It would send most people bonkers. I don’t see how that can continue after all this because you’ll be resentful.

No, you're not and that's fine. You wouldn't have posted the first sentence if you were genuine.

I was merely making the point that one size does not fit all.

Do you go out with DM and DD when you are not working? Maybe you can change what you do, so put DD into nursery but then have fun time all together eg park, soft play (ugh!) So Dm doesn't have the responsibility which she might be finding harder than she thought she would

I'm sorry, but....she's 75! I know a few people of this age and although individuals vary, people's energy levels are just not enough to deal with a small child. I'm not quite that old, but I remember the utter exhaustion of having small children - it's really not on to expect someone of that age to do it. Just the bending and lifting would do me in.

What you think she 'should' be able to do is irrelevant, she's clearly finding it a challenge so you and OH need to find a solution for your child.

She has offered but then is resentful. It is so bewildering. I had a similar experience and I think, in my case, it was some kinda power play and so annoying that in the end I l refused as it was just too much aggro. You should do the same.

No, you're not and that's fine. You wouldn't have posted the first sentence if you were genuine.

I know this isn't addressed to me: but with respect, you took it upon yourself to make things personal to you, by bringing up your own deceased mum.

I mean, some people lose their mum when she's 50, but most active 50 year olds can cope with two hours. The two are not linked at all.

You should have said on your OP that your Mum originally offered - don't drop that in later!

Ok, YANBU to accept the original offer of help, now you have described how that came about

YABU to 'expect' it - which is what your OP said

Sounds like she wanted to do it, but now it is happening, it's just too difficult, for whatever reason

As she has stated in messages that she will not look after her again, it's time to find a nursery or CM for 1 morning a week

I don't think you are entitled but your mother is clearly not coping. I'm only 54 and I would not like having to spend two hours a week entertaining a child. I'd rather spend those hours reading, walking or doing something I like. So none of you is unreasonable but this arrangement is not working

I don't think YABU at all especially as your Mum says she is keen to help out and have your DD. But it seems the reality is just too much for her. She may be keen in mind and body but emotionally looking after a 1 year old is clearly a step too far for her. Perhaps having her round for lunch and watching your DD while you do a few things at home may be a compromise - so she won't be sole charge but will still feel she is helping you and it will enable you to get a few jobs done at home.

Yes, quite.

Some women are very fit and well in their mid-70s. Many aren't.

No one is suggesting that older women are useless.

Talking about reality - that most women in their mid-70s are more tired and less physically able than they were 10 or even 5 years before, does not take away from the value that older women have.

Do you think that maybe your DM just likes the drama? It sounds to me as if she wants you to simply agree with her:
Oh yes mum, I know it's a chore but we're incredibly grateful - now come and put your feet up while I make you a cup of tea.
I'm not saying it is this but some people just want to feel important.

Oof.. there we go

Yup.

One of my grandmothers died at 76 of bronchial pneumonia. I’m 64 and I’ve outlived my other gran - and this is a woman who was very active.

You can be fit and try your best to keep healthy, but you can’t outrun age.

Your mum already raised kids...this is your child. For her, she doesn't want to do thus all again and too many people expect grandparents to want to. Put the child in nursery

It should not wipe you out in your 40's I am in my mid/late 40's and my daughter is one. Not even slightly comparable to 75. You should maybe get your iron and B12 checked if you are struggling with fatigue they can drop with peri.