To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Looking after a one year old alone is quite hard work for a 75 year old. Maybe your mum is finding it too hard but doesn't want to let you down so is being irritable?
Sounds like your DD would be far better off in nursery a couple of mornings a week.

ginasevern

So agree with you. I am older than you, as fit as can be. But I fell over in May and broke my rib. The pain has been beyond words for weekss, and it's only now it's just about mended. Never in a million years did I ever think I would hurt myself with a fall and it's made me wary and I am not feeling so invincible as I was before the fall.

This was never going to go down well OP.

Clearly your mum likes idea of taking care of the grandchild but the reality is she struggles to cope.

Do both of you a favour and find alternative childcare.

I think you’re both unreasonable.

Your mum is unreasonable for not telling you outright that it is too much for her and telling you things like move close so I can help out when you have DC.

You are being unreasonable for being aware she is struggling and not making new childcare options.

My mum has my DC 2 days a week and I pay her, buy her little gifts etc so she feels appreciated. She is early 50’s so a lot different to 75. If she was to tell me she’s had a hard day on a one off, I wouldn’t worry to much but if it was more than once I’d assume it’s too much for her and would make new arrangements.

Looking after a baby is a lot. She’s 75 and not able to manage. She probably feels conflicted about that so be kind and make other arrangements for those two hours.

The abuse is totally not acceptable, irrelevant of how old/tired/put on your mother thinks she is.
For that alone, child care will be worth every penny.

Also, her popping in every day for lunch seems highly entitled of her. What if you’re busy, or out, or want some peace ?
Id scale that back, and just have arranged, quality time together.

I’ve experienced very similar, and things improve a lot when no one expects anything from others.

Grandparent childcare is such an emotive topic and one that I researched on here before agreeing to do regular childcare for my granddaughter. Armed with the positives and negatives, I agreed to one day a week looking after her from 8am until 6.30pm. I was under no pressure from my daughter and son-in-law to take this on but I wanted to be a hands on Granny. I'm 7 months in now.

I'm 60, very fit and active. Until a year ago I was a reception class teacher (I still work in education part time) so am used to the challenges of young children BUT caring for your grandchild is totally different. It is exhausting as you are on heightened alert the whole time! Not to mention the physical aspect of lifting the baby, pram, highchair etc. My granddaughter is now 16 months old and mobile; she can move with great speed! I have to be one step ahead at all times. Also, making sure she has a safe, happy and fulfilled day with Granny is important to me.

Would I change it? Definately not. We've grown together these past 7 months and we're both becoming stronger and more resilient and have such a wonderful relationship but it has not been easy. The level of exhaustion in the first couple of months really surprised me and I had moments where I thought I couldn't carry on looking after her. So, I do wonder if op's mother took on the couple of hours a week childcare with good intentions but had a shock too and needed a way out. I know that at 75, I couldn't do what I do now. She must be feeling awful letting her daughter down. I can understand ops frustration too that the agreement for childcare has broken down.

2h a day for a fit person is not a lot.
I would find childminder but also have a think how often and in what arangements she sees my DC.

I have low tolerance for people who cannot be bothered to help but expect others to run around when it suits them.

Has your DD got more mobile so trickier to look after?

My mother is 64 - she had 4 children.

We don't live close, but every time I go there I notice that she really can't cope with looking after my small kids, even for an hour, alone.

She loves her grandchildren, but she has bad nerves and bad knees.

Your mother is 11 years older. A lot of people that age are what we call in my native language "auf dem absteigenden Ast" (for anyone who understands German ;)).

Sort out childcare and enjoy the remaining years with your mother xx

I don’t think you’re unreasonable or entitled to accept the offered help from what seems to be a fit person. However, she clearly isn’t up to it. It might be difficult for her to know she isn’t up to it, which is making her grumpy.

Youll need to get nursery and maybe she can look after her in your house at other times to give you a bit of a break.

She’s 75. Looking after a toddler might be easy for you, but for someone of 75 it’s certainly not. She’s telling you she’s struggling, you have no choice but to source additional childcare. Just let her enjoy your daughter when you’re around too

The moral of this story is - never seek advice from Mumsnetters. For every reasonable response you will get 10 nasty, snipy, aggressive, judgey, sweary, sanctimonious ones from posters who have either deliberately misread your post or have comprehension issues. It takes a brave person to start an OP on here, I won’t be doing it again.

why the hell would you want to leave your child with someone who is being very very vocal and clear that they are struggling

to save money. yes?

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your fall. It's not just the physical injury but the quite devastating psychological impact it has. I think you've summed it up. We forget that we are "vulnerable" in many more ways than we once were. Younger people can't (and arguably shouldn't) relate or understand. I certainly didn't. Unless someone looked like the archetypal little grey haired old lady hunched over a zimmer frame, I assumed everyone else felt more or less the same as me. Now I know.

No her mum isnt giving a "huge amount" - 2 hours a week! Pathetic.

Can you point out where OP is asking her to look after her child "every day?"

You sound like a complete nutter with your own agenda

But it's two hours a week, plus the mother calling in for lunch every day??

It's a bit intense

Because it’s all very well hypothetically, but now said child is here, your mother is a few years older and she’s telling you she can’t cope. You need to accept that, not ask a forum if it’s reasonable for her to do it when she’s clearly said she can’t. Why fall out over 2hrs a week? Let her know you’ve listened and will put your daughter in nursery. It’s nice to get free childcare but it does come with problems.

she offered to do it

transpires too much for her

and you resolutely ignore so much evidence that she’s struggling and is regretting the offer

because she offered you seemed to think she now owes you

I think you mum is probably in a bad mood with you because she's tying herself in knots and doesn't know how to unpick it.

She probably does want to help - its her daughter and granddaughter, and you do seem close.
She expects of herself that she should because that's how she sees family.
She promised she would and you moved to accommodate that.
The 'other grandma' is helping and she doesn't want to 'let the side down'.

But its also likely that:

She'd forgotten how full on and boring a child of that age is.
She may never have enjoyed the current stage in the first place, particularly given you comments about not liking feeding etc.
She doesn't want to admit that she's struggling to cope with the work, particularly if she's also working elsewhere.

So, in her heart, she's committed, she wants to, she promised, others are but reality is that she's bored, stressed, struggling and possibly in pain and tired at the end of each session.

Your best solution to spare her feelings would be to present a childcare change for both grandparents as 'next stage needs (insert childcare here) it's best for DD.' Any chance DD is nearly 2 and you can start talking in terms of chance to 'make friends' and 'development' needing a group setting like a nursery or 'playschool'? That way you can sell it as a positive.

It is something you have to address but this might be the way to do it without having to confront her about the real reason why.

Alternatively, you're going to need to gently address it at a separate time.

Out of curiosity.. I was born in the mid 80s and where we lived children went to their grandparents for the weekend, maternal then paternal or vice versa for quality time and to give the parents a break, there was no squabbling or arguments and was loved by all, and this had been going on for the previous generation too. Was this the norm elsewhere?

It seems to have changed, with my family also. No wonder parents today are struggling when they can’t even rely on their own parents to help, a village and what not, but be grateful a grandmother will watch a child for an hour or two, 🙄 Don’t you realise she has other things to do?!

It can be really difficult recognising that your parents are aging. I wonder if that’s part of this for you OP? Your mum clearly wants/wanted to be there for you, but at 75 she’s finding it hard. Yes it’s “only” 2 hours - but she’s 75 and your baby is at the most intensive stage - toddling, constantly on the go, into everything. She may find it easier as your baby gets older. My mum is 82, and enjoys having the grandkids (age 5 - 11, not all mine!) by herself for a few days at a time now. But she found the baby stages too much.

Maybe try to reframe it. She’s not letting you down, it’s just too much at the moment - give her some space to just granny for now - whether that’s lunch most days, or maybe increasing the babysitting as your child gets easier to manage?

She’s showing you in a roundabout way, that she finds looking after your baby a chore. Perhaps it’s too much for her too. Her being stroppy and difficult is her way of telling you.

Hopefully she’s nice to the baby when they’re alone.

I’d accept it and find another arrangement.

She offers or had offered, but deep down she realises / knows she isn't enjoying it / can't cope.

It really is amazing how so many parents think that their parents should look after their kids rather than paying for professional childcare.

Especially when the said grandparent is 75.

2 hours isn't that long but it might seem like a very long time to a grandma.

It would seem like a very long time to me and I am well over 20 years younger.