To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

YABU. People of 75 do not have nearly as much stamina as younger people, and looking after a one-year-old is hard work. Bending down, picking them up, carrying them upstairs etc., leaning over to change nappies, are all things that younger people don’t think twice about but which can be very difficult for older people even if they are relatively fit and healthy.

You were even more unreasonable about the lunch - it wasn’t that your mother didn’t want to be with your daughter but that she didn’t want to be the one looking after her.

Send your daughter to nursery for that morning, but make sure your mother has plenty of other time with her (and you) so she can dote on her without the hard work. I appreciate that she makes the offer of childcare and you aren’t forcing it on her, but it might be a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak.

If she has been insisting she is fine and wants to have her, she cannot then say she's had enough then renege on saying she's had enough: you need to get childcare for those two hours and stop the pattern. It's not helping either of you xx

No, I don’t, which is why I say if I can and it’s not unreasonable to ask. However, My parents are that age and do 2 days a week for my Dniece. In comparison 2 hours a week seems very little and would be no use really to most working parents. My intention and default would be to help out more than that if I can, and if required.

It’s much better for the child to be looked after by grandparents than to go into a nursery and it means they will have a lovely relationship. It’s sad that some posters think it is “selfish” or “entitled” thing to ask for. We are family. I don’t see it like that at all. We are a team.

Could there be some misunderstanding in the way you are both communicating about this? Could there be any doubt about her complaining? What I mean is, could she be feeling frazzled and wants to tell you what they've both been doing and it's coming across as her moaning when she doesn't intend to?

She’s been telling you it’s too much for her but you’ve continued sending your child, no wonder she’s tetchy. Arrange alternative childcare.

Yes YABU amd very entitled. Your mum is clearly struggling and you tell her she can't stay for lunch which will come across as a punishment for her not managing. Arrange paid childcare, most people need to these days.
And count your blessings, you and your DD are very lucky to have your mum with you and so involved. Your mum may seem fit and healthy which is great but at 75 you're on borrowed time. Appreciate your mother before she is gone and make her feel appreciated.

I have a child a similar age. My mum is in her fifties and has only looked after him for half an hour by herself. And this was one time not every week. I think it’s a lot to expect someone in their seventies to look after such a young child regularly. As someone with basically no family support, it’s very odd to me hearing people who get regular help from parents complaining that it’s not enough. I would be so grateful if anyone would look after my child for 2 hours even once every other month. I would never expect once a week.

This.

Her behaviour suggests that she feels you have emotionally manipulated her into having your child, which doesn’t reflect well on you OP. Sorry, but mobile children under 3 are, frankly, exhausting even for a fit young mother. A 75 year old is too vulnerable and too easily tired.

If you are working and have just the one child, you can find the money to pay for nursery or to explore additional hours with the ‘outside help’ you mention. Your child will benefit from socialising with children her age if you were to find a nursery/playgroup with availability.

I agree.

She encouraged me to live close by so she could help out.

She clearly isn’t coping and doesn’t wish to admit it. Especially as the mil is doing the care too. So it’s difficult. It also isn’t fair to your child, as your mother is likely snappy when she’s with her. No way she bottles it up and your kid doesn’t see it…

just see if you can get a nursery place. She will react angrily but be relieved so it will pass.

I couldn't bare to put my children in someone's care who clearly don't want to be looking after them

you will feel much better with your child in nursery for that time, and cut back on all these lunches with Mum - if she find you feeding your daughter stressful do not invite/include her for so many meals.

The OP used the word “expect” in the title, not “accept”. There is a difference.

It’s much better to be cared for by a grandparent who wants to and enjoys it. It is not better when the grandparent isn’t coping. And nursery is great for kids in terms of socialisation and meeting other kids

Based on my Mum at the same age for her to be able to say no to having my daughter for two hours would be a huge thing for her she would have struggled to say it and battled with herself so much as she absolutely adores her. I know it's hard but you need to listen to your mum. I'm sorry though because I feel if your mum is half as my mum is she would have her every day if she was physically able.

75 is quite elderly to be expected to look after a one year old. Its obvious your mother just isn't up to it. YABU.

She encouraged me to live close by so she could help out

Talking about it and reality are two very different things. I would imagine that she felt obliged to offer the two hours childcare because your MIL had offered. That is how things work... a bit of healthy (or unhealthy!) competition between Grandmas!

But now she wishes she wasn't doing it. Because she possibly finds it a strain or she worries about your LO.

Yeah, she’s not coping, so it’s time to mix it up.

Explore nursery - although you have to do a minimum of four sessions around me, which is either two full days or four mornings/afternoons, so you may not be able to just put her in for one morning. That said, you might find having consistent care for those three mornings from the same person does her good as she gets older, anyway.

Perhaps she can’t admit that she’s not coping, or it’s too much for her. It sounds like she’d like to help, but she’s just not able to cope.

She may have insisted she wanted to do it but her messages suggest she’s changed her mind. So book the morning at nursery and you can go back to socialising together for lunches rather than her doing childcare. It’s the excuse you’ve been looking for to change arrangements.

I don't think it's selfish or entitled to ask and I agree family should be helping each other out. Both with caring for children and caring for elderly family members. What is entitled and selfish is expecting it from someone who is clearly struggling with it and not appreciatring what they do.

It is too much for your mum and, quite frankly, most 75 year olds would find looking after a toddler exhausting. Some people in their 70's might seem fit, healthy and active and to an extent they are. They might frequent the gym, go on long haul holidays or belong to a dance group but all of that is very, very different to working full time or having childcare responsibilities like you do when younger. Until you're actually living in the body of an older person, you cannot possibly relate. I couldn't.

Now I'm 67 I'm beginning to understand. I'm more concerned with falling over for example, which I never really thought about before. I get slightly more anxious about carrying luggage on trains and I worry that the lifts won't work at the other end of my journey. I'm more anxious about joggers running at break neck speed on pavements - will they knock me flying? I don't casually stroll across the road any more in the city. I make a point of pressing the button at the crossing. There are so many things I never thought about, until I arrived at this age.

For those of you who are calling me entitled.

My mother offers to do this. She was upset when I said I’d send my daughter to nursery instead.
She encouraged me to move close by so she could help.
She also loves my daughter and would never be tetchy with her.

With all this in mind - why am I entitled?!

Your title says you expect it.

you know your mother is struggling. She’s even told you on text today she won’t do it again.

yet here you are, looking to send her back

This is also a good point.

I was very close to my grandparents. They never looked after me on a regular basis as that wasn't necessary nor feasible (they both worked and my mum didn't), but I saw them for a weekend visit every 3-4 months. They were, and remain, some of the most important people in my life and family memories.

The main thing is this isn't at all a big deal and really doesn't need to be turned into one. Find the best solution that allows everyone to feel as happy as possible.

I dont see why she is expected to do this.Its not her age necessarily...the usual mumsnet age obsession.She just doesn't want to.do it
Stop expecting parents to provide child care.