To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

From what I have seen of some grandparents, they love to babysit ad hoc. What they sometimes don’t like is a regular ‘compulsory’ arrangement. That adds an element of inflexibility to the life of a retired person. It sounds like you do need to find alternative childcare for work.

I had the same from my mother. Yes it hurt my feelings, but I learned my lesson. I never used her for child care again. Get some childcare organised ASAP, and stop having lunch with her.

Yes, the fact that the gp keeps offering to do it and then is resentful after is the key point, not how fit anyone is!
The fact that she is resentful whilst offering to look after your child needs to be explored more thoroughly. Why does she offer, do it, and then complain? You need to get to the crux of this.

But, in the meantime, book your child in nursery, if you can.

Your mum is telling you this set-up isn’t working for her. Respect that and adjust your arrangements accordingly.

I was 56 when my DD had my first GS. I loved him lots and helped a lot with his care but when my DS had my second GS in 2020 ( I was then 68) I was more than happy to help but with a strict 3 hour limit, remembering how exhausting a toddler is when you are older. New GS this year now I am 72, and I have to be realistic and say 1 hour looking after him alone would be enough for me.

Toddlers want you to be on the floor with them, then they are off and running and expecting you to keep up, then there is the constant picking them up for changes, high chair and pushchair etc. My hips and back and hands simply can't do all that, much as I want to, and I am a relatively healthy 72 year old. Let your mum enjoy the company of your daughter for short periods, they will be building up a bond together that you will all be grateful for when your daughter is older and less physical hard work.

But her mum is saying she wants to do it and then after doing it is complaining and being resentful. So I can see the OPs quandary.

I recently found out first hand that posters on Mumsnet are insane! Why come on to someone’s post just to be insane, judgemental and unhelpful! It’s so weird! I’m sorry you have had to deal with this.

had my first at 37 so also have older parents and have found the past couple of years from age 75 to be a big change in my parents. They are still fit and healthy but struggle more with remembering and just general being around my young dc’s and their chaos. My brother lives farther away and so doesn’t see my parents as much and has noticed it in a way that I don’t as I see my parents weekly. Is their anything going on health wise perhaps?

I think overall she’s communicating that it isn’t working, even with the mixed messages. I wouldn’t ask her again and would make other arrangements for the sake of my relationship with her.

Where is mum's respect towards OP though? She should be having the conversation to say she doesn't want to carry on the arrangement.

At the moment she is just being unkind at each pick-up and it's not nice.

She’s 75. So is my DM and even though she would in theory love to watch my toddler aged children I would never put that on her now. Ten years ago when my oldest was a toddler she could and did easily watch her, but things have changed so much and a 2yo would totally exhaust her. A 2yo exhausts me and I’m early 30s. I think sometimes we don’t realize how much our parents have aged when we see them on a regular basis as it creeps up on you a bit.

Wow the comments here are really horrifying. It shows how cold and distant society has become with one another. Family is everything.
I agree that OP should find alternative childcare because her mother is struggling.
But when having a child, people should be able to turn to their parents for help first. Most older ladies I know in the UK don’t help enough because they don’t want even when they can. One does not stop being a parent and looking after their children only because they are adults. Don’t “expect” your adult children to look after you when old and complain if they put you in a care home if you have turned your back to them when they needed you as adults. I think families in this society have lost the true meaning of being a family. I come from a country where people wouldn’t have kids if their oldish parents wouldn’t look after the kids. It’s so nice to see ladies in their 50s/60s walk around with prams in the day!!
So no, I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable for “expecting “ help from the person who is supposed to love you the most. If it doesn’t work then it is a different story.

Of course she should be having that conversation in a respectful way- but even though she’s not she is still communicating that the arrangement isn’t working.
So it needs to change.

Because if your child only sees your mother in law for those two hours while you are working then it will be difficult for both of them.

Talking about the thread title - surely deliberately disingenuous? The OP wasn't using the word "expect" to indicate entitlement. But if as we know now the OP's mum offered and is fit and well, then the OP certainly wasnt wrong at all to expect it to be ok. As it turns out, it seems it no longer is. But it has been for a while so why shouldn't the OP have come to "expect"/think it might continue for a while longer?

People just looking for an argument.

Yes, it's all self inflicted obviously. Sorry about your mum, some people have no understanding or empathy.

Why does your mum come round every lunch time? Your DC is too much for her to handle so surely she thinks you have your hands full and she shouldn’t expect to be provided lunch in your house every day.

You are working, and you have your DC, with very little help. I’d be knocking these lunches on the head to once or twice a week. Not out of spite, but if you are busy, you aren’t here to entertain your mum.

I don’t think anyone should expect childcare. I don’t think she is old. I do think she should have a life.

Its clearly distressing her and that doesn't make anyone happy so I would sort something else

When people preface what they have to say with, "with respect", in my experience they mean the opposite. If you don't understand the point I was making, that's on you.

Re-read your first post to me.

I don't care about your losses any more than you care about mine. I don't know you; you don't know me.

It's a shame you chose to address yourself to me in the manner you did, because I found it incredibly rude and nasty, especially in the context. And then you accuse me of starting an argument? Catch a grip!

Unless she agreed to it in advance, ,she’s not obligated to be a childminder.🤷‍♀️

At age 75, she’s probably feeling past all of it with childminding.

Yes, this is excellent advice.

This. Respect what your mother is saying and pay for childcare.

Quite infuriating and tiresome that so many posters don't actually read what the Op has posted....