To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Have you not seen this post?

My mother insists on helping out, which I appreciate. I’ve told her I will happily send my daughter to nursery one morning a week. She insists she is ok to look after her

You say your mum comes to see you for social visits as well as a childcare stint. Does your mother in law do this or is she just for childcare

yabu. not 1st time your ma s indicated she struggles with this. her gc your child.

OP I wonder if your mum isn’t ready to admit that she’s finding looking after your daughter hard.

Perhaps a compromise could be your DM picking up your daughter from nursery and bringing her home for lunch together?

Your mum is 75! It's too much for her.

Make other arrangements.

Put her into nursery (your wee one, not your DM).

but also says she isn’t and that she’s struggling

quite clearly the woman is dropping very heavy hints

so the op takes it out of her hands “mum, it’s such a difficult age and i know how exhausting. i think best ill put her in nursery and you get to have your special time with her when you come for lunch”

Job. done

Why is this relevant?

My MIL has lunch with her son (my DH) when she comes down.

MN is hilarious sometimes - you all act as though you’re never going to get old. I’m not far off DM’s age and there are things you realise as you get older. One of them is when you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. For whatever reason, this woman is finding it too difficult to keep to the agreement and she’s telling OP that she doesn’t feel up to it. She’s entitled to do that.

I sincerely hope that DM has assets that will pay for decent care when she needs it if OP is of the same opinion as you. You accuse DM of just wanting fun granny time and that disgusts you, but the suggestion that if she doesn’t step up, OP should just abandon her to her fate in old age is just fine ? Wow.

I agree. I imagine the Mum feels obliged... after all Jean the MIL manages and has to take the train, I must soldier on, but I am finding it all too much.

By the time my parents were aged 75 I was expected to cook for them and run around after them. There was no way my dad would have looked after one of my kids on his own and suite the reverse I had to look after my kids, my mum and make him dinner if we met up.

My P I L were the same and they were in their 60’s. Less than one month after giving birth and recovery from countless stitches ( my daughter got stuck ) I remember dad in law insisting on my cooking a lasagna.

You are really lucky

You should never expect anyone to have your child. You already have the help of your MIL which is more than I have. It’s your child so your responsibility and no one else’s and sounds as if your mum isn’t coping. Both my parents and PIL’s live locally and don’t work and haven’t helped us once with our son!

Perhaps the DM could stop being so passive aggressive, swallow her pride and say something along the lines of “darling, much as I love looking after DG it’s all getting a bit too much for me and I think it would be better all round if she went to nursery instead”. Just a thought…

I don't think you're it's an unreasonable amount of time for your mum who is fit and well and also wanted to do it. Have you talked to her about it in depth?. Asked what is it that is bothering her specifically. If your DD is simply too much then nothing can be done but wondering if it's something else. Maybe she doesn't feel appreciated. Do you tell her how grateful you are. Do you say thankyou every time etc. I have been in the position where I have offered help and then resented it for not feeling like it was appreciated. Have a big chat with her ? Tell her you're sorry you're upset and want to know how it's got here.

God some of these replies!

Having read through the thread, I think your title is slightly misleading.

It seems that your mum asked you to move closer in order to help and offered childcare. You are not unreasonable to accept. Let's face it, I think most people would prefer a DC to be looked after by family rather than nursery at the start. On the face it, 2 hours per week is not excessive. Expecting something to happen, given that it was freely offered is also not 'entitled'. You are not demanding that it should happen.

BUT......frustrating as it may be, your mum is now showing signs of not coping. The reality of those 2 hours isn't working. Age and general health isn't a factor, if she's not able to provide the best care.
It must be hard, as it was your mums idea. It would also be preferable if she was open and honest, in a 'look dear.....' conversation but instead is being snappy. This may be her own frustration of the time not being all sunlight and rainbows, as she imagined in her head.

Try to sit her down and have an adult conversation, without judgement. Tell her that you understand from her text that she doesn't want to do anymore. Ask for her interim support whilst you arrange alternative childcare.

Chances are your little one will love nursery anyway and granny time will be less stressful for everyone going forward.

Good luck.

Rolling my eyes at the lack of nuance in many responses here.

The bottom line is that you can’t “expect” anyone else to look after your kid, given the fragmented, individualistic society we have. Also, it’s not helpful to make assumptions about what someone else can do, especially an older person.

But even from your first post it was clear that your mum was making this situation more difficult than it needed to be. It is reasonable to expect that she set boundaries and communicate about what she can manage in a mature way. Offering childcare and then being tetchy about it, a barrage of angry messages, that’s not right. It’s not unreasonable for you to ask her to help a bit, certainly not to accept if she offered, and if she finds it’s not working for her there is some onus on her to say that directly and calmly. It sounds a bit like she wants to be able to do it and doesn’t want to admit it’s too much.

Anyway, an alternative arrangement is probably for the best, although in your shoes I’d be worried that mum could take offence to that as well, especially if you say anything about her not coping or not wanting to do it. Hopefully things will be right between you soon enough, you seem to have a good relationship in general.

I think you need to have a calm discussion with your Mum in the next couple of days. I suspect the idea of looking after her grandchild and the reality of looking after her is very different - she needs to be honest.

Wasn't judging at all and I am sorry you had miscarriages.

That doesn't change the fact that having a baby later means that the relative intended/intending to provide childcare is going to be older and less likely to be able or willing to do it. My DDs' grandparents wouldn't have been physically able to do it at 75+ but would have been at 55+ (bar one who couldn't have coped physically even at that point if I'd have been daft enough to trust them around a child). My half sister's GM dropped dead aged 56 on the day she was due to have had her for the morning as usual, so even grandparents being younger isn't that much of a guarantee. My own father died at 54, as well - so thinking somebody over twenty years older is going to be fit enough to expect it is a bit of a gamble in my opinion, really.

Yes, I agree with this entirely.
Personally, I don't think OP is being unreasonable for expecting her mum (despite being 75) to care for her daughter for 2 hours a week but it is clear that her mum isn't able or wanting to do it.
Yes, resentment gets worse and breeds contempt.
Sorry OP, take care

But it's only for 2 hours?

I think I'd start with a proper talk rather than just announce youll be takjng her to nursery instead. Given your mum says she wants this, removing her 2 hours may inflame things and make her feel rejected. Explain that xyz is how it's appearing from your point of view and that you're concerned you're expecting too much from her and it's putting a strain on everything. Listen to her perspective- there may be things you are doing/communicating that you haven't realised. You get final say so don't be emotionally blackmailed into continuing the arrangement if you don't want to, but do have a talk to clear things before presenting nursery as a fait accompli.

I understand that you wish she still wanted to do this, and you're disappointed, but it seems she has changed her mind so you need to look elsewhere. I wonder if she could be finding it tedious to return to this type of work.

OP I don’t think that 2 hours a week of child care from an able-bodied close relative is too much to expect, but in this instance you ABU because it clearly isn’t working for your mother.
At 75 it is feasible that she has undiagnosed health issues that exhaust her, physically or emotionally, so that is a thought that might tamp down the natural annoyance at this situation.
Get additional childcare and make the best of it. As others have mentioned, concentrate of the positives regarding the grandparent-grandchild relationship here.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

do you think you see too much of each other? This would be way too much contact for me but I know that all families are different. Perhaps if you did not see each other every day, the moments your mum spends with your daughter would be more special and she would resent it less?

I can't believe some of these responses!

If OP's mum had said to her "sorry, I know I said I'd help out but actually it's too much for me" and OP was complaining about her then that's one thing, but this hasn't happened?? Her mum has insisted on having her DD and is then making an issue of it every week. 2 hours a week is not a lot for someone who's fit and healthy, if she doesn't enjoy looking after her GC then that's fine but there's no need to make it into this drama each week instead of being honest.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I would message your mum and say you're going to sort a childminder/nursery for when she usually has her and don't take no for an answer from her. Clearly she has an issue with having your DD, tbh from her reaction when you come to collect each week I'd be worried that she'd spent the 2 hours snapping at your DD too. She can see her when she visits you.