To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Why are you making an argument out of nothing?

Children lose their parents at all kinds of ages.

You know nothing about me and the losses in my life.

As I said, it's not a competition whose mum lived the longest. You've chosen to be nasty, not me.

How many hours do you expect the male members of your family to provide, or is it womens work only?

All these younger people claiming to know what a 75 year old can manage and dismissing comments from older people! People are different at that age just as they are at every other age. It's not just about physical fitness it's the mental alertness required, some older people suffer with anxiety.

I don't know the OP's mother and neither do any of the other posters so we dont know what she feels able to do. I am nearly 70 and do several exercise classes a week and walk a lot but I'm not sure I could look after a 1 year old. I could look after a 4 year old but fortunately I won't be asked to again as my own grandchildren are all teenagers now.

Good luck with this one OP. Mumsnetters are always VERY bitter over the idea of grandparents giving unpaid childcare. Goodness knows why, since thousands do it every day.

Suspect it's a combination of posters who can't be arsed with their own grandchildren because they've 'already raised their children' and jealous posters whose own parents refused to help out.

I always say this on here but I’m only in my 40s and I have bad knees and a bad back. I can’t even imagine in 30 years picking up and putting down a young child, running after them to stop them getting into stuff etc. and I always always said I’d be the most hands on gp ever😅 With a heart condition yourself surely you can see how much stress a 1 yo can cause? Not like when they’re older and you literally just need someone breathing to provide them with snacks, chat to them and watch while they read/ game!! (Sorry op!!)

Entitled much.
Your child is your responsibility end of you deal with it dont have kids if you expect others to do the parenting.
I wont even babysit for anyone because i say a flat out NO.

Whilst I agree that people can and should help keep themselves active, I think it's a rather glib thing to say that people only slow down because they allow themselves to! Every body (literally) is different. Your mum was walking 10 miles with her walking group (was that daily out of interest)? Fantastic and good for her but she wasn't working full time, cooking, cleaning and looking after young kids like someone in their 30's might be. She wouldn't be able to. The point I'm making is that it's all relative.

Walking 10 miles with a leisurely friendship group, going to the gym or line dancing when retired is not to be confused with doing, or feeling, the same as you did when younger. A younger person will look at a trim 75 year old with various hobbies and think they have no vulnerabilities and are perfectly capable of behaving like a 50 year old. They simply are not. I'm a pretty fit 67 year old (touch wood). I still work full time and do other activities but I know that I now have my limitations and various little ailments are starting to appear, despite my best efforts and mindset. To suggest that all 75 year olds should be perfectly capable of looking after a 1 year old is very wrong of you, even if it is only for 2 hours.

This post was never going to end well. MN’ers don’t taken too kindly to free family childcare arrangements. Especially when parents moan about the free arrangement. Best to get paid for care and then it won’t come with hassle and drama.

It might be just a habit. Speak to her and tell her how it makes you feel. Also ask if it is too much.

Good luck@Welshlady89.

So she has told you she is struggling, that its too much and now that shes not doing it anymore and your asking what?

Of course you have to organize childcare, what are you going to do FORCE he to be a free babysitter? she has said no.

I think you’ve had a really hard time here - especially considering it’s only 2 hours a week. Sounds like your mum is not willing/able to help in any case so I think you need childcare.

These threads often go the other way - with posters desperately keen to point out that actually the GP are benefitting from doing free childcare because they get to spend time with the precious DC, and “you’ll remember not to help them out in their old age then”. Those are not my views but I’m surprised that this has been so one-sided.

namechangetheworld · Today 15:27
Good luck with this one OP. Mumsnetters are always VERY bitter over the idea of grandparents giving unpaid childcare. Goodness knows why, since thousands do it every day.

I was at the school gates one day and overheard a group of grannies and grandads making jokes about how grateful their kids were to them, how much they got paid etc ‘oh my god I could buy an island’ etc etc. the knives were out, sarcasm dripping. I took a step back to try to hide. About seven or eight, some of who bring children into the playground with us and nearly collapse trying to control them, have to pick up screaming toddlers etc. gps as childcare honestly shouldn’t be done in most cases (and before you ask yes I know it’s an impossible problem- I became a sahm because we were paying for years for me to work in a really good job and my kids were practically living in a childminders and we were broken in every way).

People are totally deranged on the subject of help from grandparents on this site. In real life everyone I know expects some level of help from fit and able grandparents living nearby. It’s not entitled or grabby; it’s just how families work.

I don’t know what to recommend in your situation except to have a frank discussion with her and ask her how she would feel if you used nursery instead. Definitely discuss it first to avoid her taking offence.

I can’t imagine I’ll be very enthusiastic about looking after a busy toddler when I’m 75.. YABVU.

also are you sure your. U. Is as well as you think. Is there a reason behind her tiredness. That was one of the first signs of my mother becoming ill.

Cherish and respect your mum. Let this go without resentment and enjoy whatever healthy years you have left with her. Dont make this time all about you and yours.

‘ I appreciate that she is getting older…’

She’s 75 & you are 35yo.
Honestly, you have very little idea of how energy reserves run down after menopause & with ageing. Your mum is being fair & letting you down gently, as she may soon not be available for childcare.

What energy & physical/mental reserves your mum has, she needs for herself.

Yes... PP mam walked 10 miles at 80 so everyone just chooses to be less able.

My mam was dead before 55, with paralysis and after 4 cancer battles that left her bed bound after a decade in a wheelchair.

If only she had 'walked more' she would clearly be here and fit as a fiddle... disability is clearly self inflicted from slowing down too much don't we know?

I don’t have DC but DB does and so do other close relatives all in their 70s and my DM who’s 83. Only one of them finds it “easy”’when she looks after her grandchildren on the parents date nights.

As the children get more active and grandparents age it gets harder.

Just pay for the childcare.

I think it's just the age of your child and your mum doesn't want to admit it's too much for her.

Hi OP. I also don't think you're being unreasonable. I expect it's a case of your mum having a vision of a lovely quaint few hours bonding with your daughter but the reality is that she is pretty full on, cries at time and your mum finds it stressful. Her expectations aren't matching up with reality. That's maybe why she WANTS to do it, but doesnt ENJOY doing it? When you say she doesn't like to be there when you feed your daughter because she finds it stressful, that's what it made me think of.

Could you have an honest conversation with her about it. "When I pick daughter up you seem stressed and resentful. I'm going to book her into nursery instead because it upsets me". And see what she says from there. If it happens again, just tell her it's not working, you don't want to spoil your relationship with her so youre booking it and that's that.

There's always people on Mumsnet who.managed to run a household, work 80 hour weeks and raise 10 children on their own on a shoestring. The lack of compassion towards mother's is ridiculous. If it was a dad saying his mum wouldn't help him for 2 hours I'm sure the replies would be different.

I’d guess that your mum is worried she won’t be welcome to see her grandchild if she stops the childcare.

There are only a few posts you’ve acknowledged and those are the ones who feel you’re right and that your mother should be happy about caring for a small child.

Find a nursery, but reassure your mum that she’ll still be welcome to see her grandchild regularly.

I know she struggled at times as she loves her work too and found looking after a young baby quite monotonous

yip she didn’t enjoy looking after small children then and she still doesn’t.

Yes - make other childcare arrangements - for your own sake.

You need your childcare to be robust and reliable. Your mum has every right to withdraw her offer of childcare. It’s effectively now a weapon for blackmail and manipulation as there is the threat of it being rescinded at the drop of a hat.

I have an only child. She was meant to go to my parents for the morning last week for the first time in a decade.

I have never used them for childcare. They see her a lot but that is purely for bonding time, and I am always there and usually doing something for them.

My view is that that is the best thing - they get to build a relationship, but my parents aren’t tied down to a commitment and we are not beholden to them.

However, they now live close by and she is old enough to entertain herself, so doesn’t need running around after. They have been saying all year about why am I wasting money on childcare when she could go to them. So I didn’t book childcare for this single day to make sure they were all OK with it.

More fool me.

The evening before she was meant to go to them, my Dad casually mentioned that they were going to see a friend for lunch. When I mentioned that they were taking my daughter for the morning, there was a pause, and then my mum gaily said well they could no longer take her. With about 12 hours notice before I needed childcare to start, and long after the clubs near us had closed.

I think they are so used to having their freedom to do what they want, and they don’t have a routine as such any more, so it didn’t occur to them that not being available to take her that day would cause an issue.

It’s reinforced my previous belief that childcare needs to be paid childcare and the grandparent/grandchild is different.

It is great for those whose parents are willing and able to step in, but it shouldn’t be something that we should expect.

I found my granddaughter was hard work at one year old especially as she was toddling by then, I was 57 and very active. Send her to nursery or a childminder, you'll be doing both of you a favour.

YANBU

I’ve had ZERO help with my DC. It’s been a struggle at times. My DC still live at home and I long for the day I’ve got loads (hopefully) of DGC and I get the opportunity to do all the gorgeous things you can do with small kids, again.

I once asked my dad if I could jump out at the lights and meet him at home (300m) away and leave my DC with him. When I got back 5 mins later he was most put out.

With PIL, they let us down really badly on the one time we asked them to babysit for us and I never asked again. So, in 20 years they’ve babysat reluctantly, once.

I’m glad now that I owe nobody anything. This is actually the main factor in why I won’t look after elderly parents. My DC are older now, and I’m nearly at the time where I’ll be free of hands on mum duties. I want to enjoy the interlude. I’ll help my parents out a bit, but I don’t owe anyone any of my precious time, like they didn’t want to use their precious time with my DC.