To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

I was going to ask the questions @crumblingschools asked - why lunch every day?

Yes, you should find an alternative to your mum for those two hours.

Sorry to mention this, but perhaps bear this in mind -
memory.ucsf.edu/caregiving-support/behavior-personality-changes
Personality changes - tetchiness, irritability, and angry outbursts (arising from feeling overwhelmed or confused or out of one's depth) - can point to early signs of dementia.

I didn’t wait.

I had repeated miscarriages.

Perhaps think before you judge. It’s taken me years to have my baby.

Exactly.

It's not all about the next generation. She deserves to enjoy stress-free time at this stage of her life.

Find alternative childcare obviously to much for your mum.

yes she asked you to move closer
yes she said she would do / wanted to do childcare

but

now she has changed her mind / doesn't enjoy it / is not up to it

would you now choose to move away . back to where you were living if she does not do this childcare

YABU I would hate to have to look after a child of any age for even 15 minutes.

Don’t you think that is awful though?

My dad is 75, and there's no way he could cope with a one year old.

People with young kids think they are so easy to look after as they have them all the time. They are not. They are very hard work and your mum is twice your age.

Lmao get a fucking life you horror.

I think as well - some people are great with kids my 75 year old mum would love hanging out with a 1 year old - others (myself included) are just not interested so it becomes draining for us.

Anyone who "expects" someone to do something for their child comes across as entitled. You've got a bit of a cheek calling people mad bitches because their opinion is different to yours. Crank.

For whatever reasons, your mom has made it clear that she no longer wants to do it. Accept that and make other arrangements.

That's a little bit unfair. We're all different. I never had any help, none whatsoever, not even babysitting for an evening, not once. (it was hurtful) but because of that and with my first GC due, I want to be as much help as possible, even though I'm ancient 😂

So it's not a case, for me anyway, of 'i never had any help, I'm not helping you'.
I'd love to be as involved as possible within reason, but because of my age I won't be childminding every week.

Bloody hell I’ve received my answer from this ‘generations’ grandparents. ‘50 - 65’ maybe the next ones will be better.

Yes. And I didn’t wait.

I am one of the 1% who had repeated miscarriages.

That person’s comment was so cruel. I literally took years to have my daughter, because I kept losing babies.

I cannot believe the people on this thread. Some of the comments are so unkind.

Thank you.

I am horrified at the people on this website.

I would use a childminder or nursery for that morning & then use her more ad hoc if you need her help. Maybe she isn't keen to be tied down?

I'm neither of these. My parents have been amazing all my kids lives, like so way beyond what most of my friends parents do for their grandchildren. However, I would never "expect" a thing from them, and the minute I do I've become a bit entitled. It's one thing hoping for some help and being grateful when you get it, its another thing putting an expectation on someone.

Your mum would probably rather eat nails than openly admit that she is finding life with a toddler tough.
But it appears that she is - and at 75 who can blame her? It's not 65. So you will need to find new childcare.

im pretty “horrified” that you have no issues leaving your baby with someone who has been crystal clear with you that despite offering to care for your baby, it’s too much in reality and she can’t handle it

She offered. She has insisted.

The wording in my OP should have reflected that. I do apologise.

Some 75 year olds are very fit and healthy and two hours is not a lot. Your mum however has made it clear she is struggling so yes in this case I would put your dd in nursery and then enjoy the time together with your mum rather than worrying it’s causing resentment. Sending 20 msgs is a concern so when all calmed down have a chat with your mum and explain why you are going to put her in nursery and you want the relationship to be better and her to enjoy being with her grandchild so she neither party feels bad about the decision.

and reality has kicked in and she’s CHANGED HER MIND

but here you are still thinking she owes you and “should” carry on nonetheless