To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

If you can afford to pay for her to return to her swimming then please do.

She’s being scapegoated

Let him rant at you

Look him in the eyes and say ,no I don't want to.

If he goes for you take out your phone and tell him you will film it and call the police. A Bully won't like that and will back down.

How dirty are you willing to play? With an attitude like his, I’d play up to his own idiocy and blithely announce (privately, on the phone, not in the hearing of the dc) that dn won’t amount to much and you have no intention of wasting a penny on his education. You didn’t get where you are in life by throwing good money away. And if he thinks his dn is worth tutoring, he can jolly well put his money where his mouth is. And you can compare their progress in a decade.

He’s not going to listen to reason but he might listen to some stupid guff

A six is the expected level for a GCSE so not particularly high. We improved my son's grades enormously for GCSE by him sitting down for an hour each week with an A level maths student who took him through old papers. Predicted a 6 achieved an 8.
Can I recommend that when she is 'baby sitting' the tutor or an A level student comes to you.
You an always say when her brother is the same age and doing GCSEs you will consider doing the same if you have the cash....but then not have the cash.

You should be allowed to pay for nieces tutoring. And FIL should be allowed to pay for nephews epl tickets. People need to mind their own business

BARK BARK BARK
“You seem to have mistaken me for someone over whom you have influence.. I assure you sir, you do not. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to remove myself from this most unpleasant encounter. Good day.”
[BARK BARK BARK]
”I said good day.”

I even considered offering my niece to move in with me for GCSEs/A-levels, to take her out of the situation, but it'd break my sister's heart

At risk of being a total bitch...your sister should have thought of that before she allowed her FIL to dictate what happened in her family.

At some point your niece is going to walk away from that family because she will, if she doesn't already, understand how different she is being treated and that her parents stood by and let it happen.

If she comes to live with you and your family then at least she will have some good role,models in her life at a vulnerable age for girls. You will also probably be the one person in this whole cluster fuck of a family who she has a relationship with...because she will cut her parents off, it's just a matter of time.

Your niece needs tutoring now so she can pursue her ambitions. Maybe your nephew will and maybe you will still need a babysitter then or maybe his grandfather will find a way to help. But the point is to deal with the immediate need and not one that may or may not happen.

'Won't carry the family name'

That old chestnut, my sexist father use to love that one... he was also the only boy among 6 sisters and thought he was special. The 'won't pass on the name' is why he abandoned me as a baby because women are 'worthless' due to it apparently.

I changed my surname from his as soon as I hit 18 so I definitely will never carry 'his' family name or pass it on. Ironically though as one of these stubborn newfangled 'modern woman' I kept my name (the one I changed too at 18) when I got married because I don't believe in woman having to take a mans name. I have my own name/identity and its ALL mine regardless of my marital status (so could have passed on the name if I CHOSE too, but never would due to my not so dear fathers shitty attitude).

Also one of his sister kept her maiden name too and passed it down to her DS so the name DID get passed on just not by him lol.

Your DBIL and DSis made a deal with the devil Op, they took FIL's free house but it wasn't free was it- now anything they do has to be to his satisfaction or else.
I'd so like you to tell this nasty, selfish, controlling old twat that what you do with your money is none of his business and he can stick his opinion up his arse, I'd like to but I think your DSis family would suffer for it- her FIL can't touch you but he can make their lives difficult. People like him can't stand anyone getting the better of them, I imagine he can be very cruel when bested, especially by a woman.
Drop the talk of tutoring and just get your DN to babysit for you, the fact the tutor turns up at the same time is just a bit of luck.

The man's a knob. Thank you for supporting your DNiece.

Anything he says, make sure to either repeat it or make him repeat it.

’Just so I understand, you’re telling me you’ll compromise with me on my paying for some baby-sitting?’

or simply

’I’m sorry, can you repeat that?’

it sometimes helps people hear how ridiculous they are

if he’s not getting it
‘I thought you might have said that but it just sounded so weird, can you explain….?’

and repeat til you’ve exhausted the twat.

Ew.

I would let him ring me though.

I would tell him sure, DN can also come and baby sit... and have tutoring. Exactly the same deal, absolutely 100% fair.

The baby sitting and tutoring take place at the same time as football though. Is he still sure he wants to let that season ticket go to waste, and that DN, when he is 15, will want that?

I'd really let him dig himself into a hole with the whole 'fairness' thing!

Clearly your FIL is bonkers and I wouldn't be responding to any in person or secondhand rants from him. Just literally ignore or say "how interesting that you feel that way" or something equally bland if he starts to have a go.

However, if I were you I also would not hesitate to suggest having DNeice stay with me as, however well-meaning they seem to be, your DSis and DBil are very much continuing in your FIL's ways here.

Think about it this way - Your niece has already been directly disadvantaged (lost swimming and tutoring) to advantage your nephew (football). This will not get better and your DSis and Bil sort of deserve DN to move out. Maybe it will make them more aware of what they're doing.

"Well, man who I am not related to but still feels totally entitled to comment on how I spend my money and make demands on further expenditure that you think I should make.
I will return the energy and comment on how you spend your money. It is totally unacceptable that you spend a significant amount of money buying your grandson a football season ticket without a) considering the cost of travelling to/ from matches and accompanying him to the matches on his family and b) spending a similar amount of money on your granddaughter.
You need to stump up the money for a parents ticket to accompany grandson and pay for your granddaughters tuition and swimming.

Oh! You're offended by me telling you how to spend your money! I thought you'd got so old you were forgetting things and over looked your blatant favouritism of one grand chikd over the other."

Someone needs to tell this nasty man the truth and in your shoes I would have no problem with it being me.

This, really.

Tell him you'll pay for tutoring if he buys an equivalent gift worth £750 for your niece, minus a fiver for the book.

For that last part alone I’d tell him to his face that the 1900s want him back. Your arrangement with Niece stands. End of.
If he tries to talk you hold your hand up and repeat End Of.
The more “rights” he thinks he has the more he’ll try to establish. When in reality he has no rights at all.

From what you've told us your sister doesn't seem to have much concern for her daughter's interests.

It's disgraceful that your niece's talent for swimming is thought less of than your nephew being a spectator at a sport.

And why on earth did your sister and her husband tell anyone else about the maths coaching.

'Yes absolutely I'll pay for his tutoring if you pay for something that's the equivalent of a season ticket for her, it would have to be something that she wants though. Like swimming training'

Ask him when he’s buying DNiece a Season Ticket and when he does, you’ll pay for DNephews tutoring

I used to have a MCP of an uncle, they are ultimatley cowards

You ask him straight out

Where is the money for the premier football ticket for niece? DNiece hasn't got a ticket only nephew? Like a dog with a bone - keep coming back to the season ticket - don't be swayed off line by other rubbish - where is the money for the season ticket for niece?

As soon as we can find the season ticket money for niece she can spend it on her tutoring, as thats all she wanted to be treated the same

As a veteran of complicated family dynamics, I proffer to you the only tools that are of any use: the hmm, and the aha?

Fil: You must pay for dn's tutoring
You: aha?
Fil: Because I say so
You: hmm

ad nauseam.

And do whatever the fuck you want. And tell your bil and dsis to not tell him anything relating to you.

This ^ in spades!

This! Why did they tell him?? They know he meddles so just say nothing to him!

Can she come to yours' for the tutoring ? In that case he doesn't need to know. Or can you just say you found someone who does it for free but only maths for 15+ and then let the tutor in on the crazy situation ? There must be a way. Sounds batshit crazy the FIL. You are being really kind OP, don't let the b€^^ stop you.

So he's not actually related to to you and yet thinks he can dictate what you spend your money on? Ahahaha. No.