To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

I know your DBIL seems like a good guy here, BUT why on earth are they going to all of the away games? They are not part of the season ticket, so there's absolutely no need for them to be shelling out for away tickets on top.

DBIL & your DSIS need to draw the line at some point, and buying a season ticket for the DBIL was one thing, but attending all the aways is just stupidity. Many season ticket holders don't attend all aways.

But I'm actually really disappointed that your DBIL just bought a season ticket for himself, when it meant his daughter then could no longer do her swimming which she was talented at. That to me, was a very poor choice, and I can see why your niece would be very hurt by that.

His dad sounds utterly deplorable. I think I'd take great pleasure in smirking at him when he confronted me about this and spoke to him like the unimportant person he actually is. Now THAT would really fuck him off. I have a neighbour like him, also a chauvinist, and he REALLY hates it when I just smirk at him and don't "do as he says", he actually shakes with anger because a woman has not done as she's told. Quality.

I feel for them, but really your DBIL has the power to make changes here for this sake of his own family, stop the away games, and tell his dad he can't afford the season ticket to accompany the son anymore, so you'll be returning the nephews season ticket.

I know the nephew would be gutted, but really, a season ticket for a young teen is an unnecessary luxury.

My X step FIL was very old fashioned. It was a cultural thing - he wasn't British.

The thing I found extremely interesting is he was very controlling but after meeting him he was totally nice to me, respected my opinion (over his step sons 😂) and never tried to control me.

I've often wondered if I gave off some bitch face "don't you dare" vibes form day 1 🤔😂 (if I did it wasn't intentional but I've always been very independent and he seemed to respect that oddly!)

Agree with this

If he says this to you, turn some misogynistic comments back on him

"Whooaa John, let's talk about this again when you calm down"

"I think I should probably speak to your wife about this, you seem hysterical"

"Don't get to worked up John, all that frowning will give you wrinkles"

"Uhoh, here comes trouble!"

Are they claiming DLA for their son? Could this not be used for his season ticket, as it is a specialist interest? Does he not qualify for a complimentary season ticket for a companion due to his needs? His sister may be classed as a young carer which would bump up her uni application and possibly college application.

Just a random musing, so pay me no mind. I have never gotten this 'carry on the family name' shit in 'regular families'. It's not like the name being 'carried on' is "Lord Muck of Fuckington Manor" or a name with a famous connection like 'Albert Einstein the XXIII' or something. Who the fuck cares if run-of-the-mill John Smith of Whocaresville has his name 'carried on'? In 100 years no one will know or care who the great great great grandad of the current bearer of the name was.

My two sons are the current 'last bearers' of their last name. They don't care, my DH doesn't care, and DH's dad didn't care. Their great-grandfather did, but for no earthly reason.

FIL: Blah blah, sexist nonsense
You: You use your money to control people, I use my money to help people

Why are so many people saying to pretend to 'cancel' the tutoring and then just carry on? That's playing right into his hands, he'll be smug as fuck thinking you all obeyed his orders.

If your nephew is SEND and receives DLA your BIL should check if he can attend games free as you DN carer.

When the old misogynist starts pontificating about what you should do, I'd let him rant then give him a hard stare and say "I'm sorry, but you seem to to be mistaking me for someone who gives a shit about your opinions, no man gets to tell me how I spend my money and time, least of all you".

If you feel you need to elaborate then you can tell him that it is entirely due to him favouring his grandson that has led to your niece being disadvantaged over her swimming and the lack of funds available for her maths tuition.

He is nothing but a nasty old bully, shove a cake in his face, he deserves it.

Just wanted to add my voice to the previous posters saying that (arguably once the tutoring argument is sorted) you/your family need to find a way to get DNiece back into swimming!

Well then you are all doing your DNiece a disservice here. You are all allowing her to be treated differently and showing her that’s ok because no one stands up for her.

It’s quite easy to say to FIL “don’t be so rude and demeaning to me just because you are of the opinion that women are second class citizens. We are not, and I can spend my money how I like. I won’t be tutoring both at the same time and at this time, DNiece comes first. Nephew can wait his turn. If you are concerned about treating them the same then show it and treat my niece better.”

I can see why your sister and BIL are in thrall to this man, but he's nothing to you. Why do you care if he talks to you about this? If he talks at you, just wander off to do something more interesting than listen to his guff. If he asks you questions, answer them politely and firmly and let him bluster himself into nonsense. He's an embarrassing fool - embarrassing to himself, nobody else.

The relationship between an aunt and her niece has nothing to do with either grandfather, when it's loving and not damaging (let alone nurturing). He has no business sticking his nose into this, no matter what he thinks or says or threatens. If he makes life difficult for your sister because of this tutoring, refer her to her husband to deal with his dad. If his dad threatens to kick him out of the house because his own granddaughter is receiving educational help: well, honestly, there's nothing anyone can say. At some point, your BIL is going to have to stand up for his family. If he can't, or won't, then you have no choice but to cave. It's their family, and sadly grandfather trumps aunt especially when parents give him control over their family.

You are the least connected person in this entire situation. It's nothing for you to get emotionally involved in. Your sister and BIL will tell you what the right thing is for you to do, depending on all the factors they have to weigh up. Follow their lead.

I’d just double down on this message. Then grey rock the bastard.

Can they nit just say something vague like 'oh I don't think that's happening now' re tutoring and just not say? Can DN go to tutor's house rather than the other way round so he doesn't see?

Horrible to have to lie but maybe easier for them.m at least in the short term.

I also think next time fil does something like the season ticket thing they should say no snd talk about the importance of equal treatment and/or 'that's so generous but we can't afford a second ticket.'

Because that's ego talking, and OP sticking it to the smug git doesn't necessarily do the abused girl in the middle of it all any favours. OP might be rightly mad about the misogynist, manipulative git, but it's not within her control whether her sister and BIL (who depend on the FIL for a roof over their heads) will stand up to him if he kicks off about the tutoring and takes it out on them all. How will the DN feel if she is held responsible (by the FIL, and possibly also her weak arsed parents) for him making them all homeless? The girl needs this tutoring now to get the education she needs to build up her esteem and get the hell away from her toxic family (because they are toxic - not just her FIL but her parents too). If that means going behind everyone's backs so that she can get what she needs without any further trauma (above what she already suffers), I'd be facilitating that.

So “D”GF hasn’t bought them a house, he’s bought himself a house and lets them live there? Do they pay rent, or just have to put up with him? If it’s in their names, he can’t throw them out.

TBH I would spend that money on getting some legal advice for the FIL's mousy wife, a big old divorce would soon stop him worrying about how other people spend their money

I would turn up at the family gathering and the only words out of my mouth to him would be ‘go fuck yourself’ see how he likes that

If he talks to you, just walk away. If he follows and won’t cease just say “no thank you” and walk away again. Keep repeating and make sure you aren’t in a position where you are easily singled out.
There’s a man i know who sounds similar and he has opinions about what I should do on topics that are nothing to do with him. I follow this approach with him and it’s very pleasing.
As for your niece, this is a tricky situ for her so I would arrange for the tutor to come when she babysits.

Tell him nice and clear that he’s got an absolute cast-iron promise that he can take a bite of your shite absolutely any time he likes?

But honestly, they dance to his tune because of his financial contribution, that was their choice, not yours. Do the right thing by your niece as you see fit and tell him it’s none of his business. He doesn’t own you. It’s important to her as well to see someone stand up to him.

What kind of school does your nephew go to? Presumably he's already got a place there, so catchment isn't an issue any more (or won't be from Sept if that's when he's starting?)

Play the fucker at his own game. Simpering 'of course' get DNeice a top tutor and dnephew a 'tutor' that turns out to be your mate that does you a favour for a few months Neice gets weekly, nephew monthly, but idiot FIL doesn't get details...

So pleased dniece has you to advocate for her.

OP, your niece's grandfather is abusive and controlling.
I would be contacting her school and filling them in on what is going on.
I would avoid him but I would also consider getting advice from 101.
This man is highly abusive and is trying to use coercive control on his family.

He is NOTHING to you and he sounds like an unhinged bully.
Call Womens aid and ask for their advice.
You sound like a wonderful aunt and will make a huge difference to your niece's future.

When does she turn 16?
Would she like to live with you?
Could this be the solution if her parents are unable to protect her.
Get advice.
Talk to her.
Do whatever you can to help her achieve her potential.
You would be amazed at the amount of men who will actively try and prevent females achieving their dreams.

At nearly 60 I have know several extremely successful career women who achieved EVERYTHING despite their misogynistic fathers best efforts.
Privately educating sons, sending them off to Uni fully funded despite them being lazy and average....

Rather than support their super bright ambitious daughters.
They all got there in the end and their parents, both parents, are NOWHERE near their very high profile public success.

She is so lucky to have you.