secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

I wouldn't ask someone what their specific grades were even close family. I'd ask if they were happy with their results and if they had got what they needed. If they volunteered the information, I'd be interested, but I'd also get that there may some disappointment there that they don't want to share.

I've never really thought about it, but our 'system' is that I tell friends/family that the kids passed history or whatever, and it's for the child themselves to share the grade if they want to.

My DD did really well last week and, with her permission, I shared a photo with my small FB account of family friends just to ‘enjoying a well deserved celebratory lunch - on to X course in September’. It was enough.

We said nothing other than DS got what was required to move on to his next chosen stage.

Partly because we had other family getting results at the same time and didn't want to brag! Surely it's enough to know that they can do what they want to with what they've got, grades are just not that important to anyone but the person who took the exam.

I get where you are coming from. You feel a bit insulted as they are essentially saying that you can’t be trusted not to judge the child or share the information more widely. You on the other hand are used to families sharing this level of detail because they trust each other.

I don’t think most of the responses on here are representative of society as a whole, but it’s their choice and it is a legitimate, if minority, one.

Maybe I'm odd, but I often tell my mum or sister if DH has done something good at work, eg got a bonus because of a fantastic appraisal. It just comes naturally to me to give details when they ask "How is DH? Got a lot on at work?" Rather than just say a boring "Yeah, something like that" which just shuts the conversation down, I'd continue the conversation by saying "Yeah, he's been working really long hours on this project/learning this new skill. It's paying off though as he's just had his appraisal and got Exceeding which means he gets a bit of extra money in his paypacket at Christmas, which is nice for him." It's just friendly chit chat to me. I'll always say if he's pissed off with work too. Neither of them have to be in great detail, do they, but it's just a close family having a conversation about their family member's life and wellbeing to me. I'd also talk about my own work in the same way, when asked.

@CurlyhairedAssassin but that's not your information to share!!

What OP wants is the equivalent of wanting to know exactly what marks DH had got for each element of his appraisal and exactly what the pay rise was.

She knows that niece is happy with the results and that family is proud; the rest is the "great detail" that you don't see the need for.

CurlyHairedAssassin, all of that sounds fine to me but how would you respond to questions about HOW MUCH bonus your husband was getting? Or, if less than satisfactory at his appraisal - what did he do wrong?

In some families, general chit-chat is not deemed interesting, it's the nitty-gritty that allows and informs judgement so that is why I'm buttoned up. I totally understand that it's different in other families.

My friends and family are very discreet. We all say well done if someone posts "they got what they needed" but are mindful others may not have got the grades they wanted, so the actual results are not shared.

How do you get close and gain trust, though, if you only know the bare minimum of details about them? The same level of details that the postman, or the woman next door?

We have relatives on DH's side of the family who are so secretive about everything. I have no idea why but it means we just are all not close at all, because we know nothing about their lives! So chatting to them is like doing small talk with a stranger at a party. A generic, surface conversation. It's all meaningless without details.

Her grades are nobody’s business but hers. Perhaps she didn’t do as well as she had hoped and doesn’t want to be judged or just simply doesn’t want to tell others as she is disappointed in herself.

Nobody has a right to know anything about another person's life, family or not. I hate the pressure of everyone wanting to know my buisness. I run my life keeping things my goals and achievements to myself now. I’m much happier without nosey buggers, because they don’t even know what I’m doing, so can’t ask 🤣

I know someone who over the years consistently posted on social media grades of both her DC for the primary school they got into, 11+ scores, GCSE's (photo of the straight 9's grade letter for the 2nd DC) and first child's A'level grades and First Class Honours Degree - even educated the 'Dear Reader' on the ranking of the Russell Group Uni they got it from. When it came to A level results for second DC there was nothing, nada, absolutely nothing, no well done or congratulations, nothing. My DC knows that they didnt get their first choice Uni so drawing their own conclusion thought they didn't do so well but I really don't care, but I wonder if they do?? I am hoping that they told their mum that it was classless and embarrassing to do so and to stop. She is also someone who posts when she is in a dentist waiting room so nothing is sacred. I am extremely proud of my DC but I wouldn't dream of posting on their behalf what their results were, good or bad, its not my information to tell. Similarly I wouldn't tell our family unless DC wanted to themselves which is their call. Too much pressure as it is these days.

My best friend still hasn't told her parents her a level results....it's been 16 years!
They know she did ok based on jobs she has been able to start. She made the decision to take an alternative path and not go to university and this was behind her being quiet at the time.
No one has to share anything with you that they don't want to

These are public exams, the results are a matter of public record

@CurlyhairedAssassin quote from my reply above: I was the A* student in my family. It definitely caused a rift between my dad and his siblings when my cousins did not do as well. Certain family members started picking on me for being fat (I really wasn't) and not sporty enough to put me down, while praising my cousins who excelled at sports.

My grandma felt bad for my cousins so they got extra treats and more attention.

And actually it did get worse over the years as I went on to a great uni, be successful career wise while my cousins didn't do as well.

So when it comes to my DS, I will definitely think twice before sharing.

My DD had 11A for her GCSEs and AAAA* for A levels, but none of her friends know that as she feels like it would be boasting to say. If anyone asks she says she did well and was very happy. If anyone asks me directly I’ll say but I wouldn’t advertise it. I have friends with children in the same year so I want to avoid any sort of one up man ship.

Everyone saying OP should respect her privacy like she's asking her to send nudes!

Its

I didn’t share my degree grade with many people. I was happy with it and that was all that mattered. I knew one family member would compare me/judge me in comparison to my cousins and so didn’t tell anyone at all bc I didn’t want her to find out and make comparisons. Been nearly a decade and still never heard her compare my grade to anyone else’s (in a good or bad way) so it worked 😂

If someone was close enough for me to talk about such details and they asked me how much it was, I'd just tell them! 😄(ie. my mum and sister). People in my extended family who are not as close to me/I don't see that often, wouldn't ask. And if they did it's easy enough to give a throwaway answer like "enough to order what we'd like from M and S this Christmas" and laugh.

If it was a less than satisfactory appraisal,? That's quite unusual in any workplace - it would have been obvious before then that it wasn't going to be good and I would already have had that conversation about work not going well with the person I was having the conversation with, so my answer would be "he's ok - a bit pissed off at his appraisal, he expected better but remember I told you about that fella on the other team and they don't get on? " etc etc....

I guess it does depend how close you are. I wouldn't talk like this to everyone in my extended family if I didn't see them often. There's no point.

These kind of family dynamic threads are always very educational as it makes you realise about the totally different "non-sharing" dyanamics in other families. Makes me very grateful for the members of my family who I can share things with.

Do you have form for wanting to know other people’s business whether they like it or not, OP?

Perhaps you’ve been put on an “information diet” in an effort for others to be allowed boundaries or privacy.

We chose to not divulge specific grades, it's no one business. Some close members desperate to know, over shared their own child's grades and was raging that I didn't comment , want to know more. Sent congratulatory message to child but parent so nosy.

I don't think it is over sharing to say what grade your child got - in most families it would be normal. However if someone chooses not to say, this should always be respected of course.

And when you think about it, who really cares anyway? Only the bitches will use the information for one upmanship. And when you start to suss out who the bitches are in your life, you can start to distance yourself from them and your life will be all the more pleasant for it.

The nice people will use it as an opportunity to chat with the young person about the subjects they did well in and ask them more about it, giving them confidence, or empathise with them if they didn't do so well in a subject, or about how they didn't get the grade they wanted in X subject, but changed their mind about studying it further anyway and don't regret it and did well anyway (also giving the young person a boost of reassurance).

I just don't think it's healthy to say nothing when asked as it becomes overdramatic, like a shameful secret, and it just isn't!

Then again I don't see the fuss about gender reveals and that sort of thing either. It's of no consequence whether your baby is a boy or a girl really.