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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blocked on Insta

149 replies

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:48

So not terribly proud of this but here goes...
Am a bit of a dreaded controlling, helicopter mum but have had to try to tone it down to give DD more independence and autonomy as she's over 18 now.
She is now 19 and has started going out with a 26 year old. I'm a bit uneasy about the age gap amongst other things. Anyway the guy's insta is public (related to his career - don't want to say much more as a bit outing.) I have therefore been doing the obvious helicopter mum thing and stalling the account to try to get a sense of his past life (in terms of number of girlfriends etc.)
The bugger had now gone and blocked me!!! Obviously none of this can be openly spoken about as I'd have to admit my role in the stalking to DD and she'd go ballistic. However I'm feeling really annoyed. He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done. I'm not sure if I'm pissed because I've been outmanoeuvred or just at the lack of respect and rudeness. Just make your account private if you're that bothered!
What do you think? Am I in the wrong or has he got something to hide??

OP posts:
FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 07:51

You're pissed due to alcohol.
Pissed off due to bf behaviour in blocking you.
Yabu stalking you DDs friends

Beezknees · 19/08/2024 07:51

Of course you are in the wrong.

His past relationships have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your DD is an adult. You need to get some therapy if you think this is normal behaviour.

Waiting4Autumm · 19/08/2024 07:52

Firstly how can he tell you've been stalking him? As far as I know you can look at anyone's open insta account they don't know about it.... you may have come up as someone they may know for them to add/follow but they shouldn't know you've been looking unless you've been liking lots of pics or started following him?

Saltedbutter · 19/08/2024 07:52

Your behaviour is weird, inappropriate and controlling. Your poor daughter.

Pogggle · 19/08/2024 07:53

You sound exactly like my mum, and funnily enough I've had to block her. You will be heading the same way if you carry on like you are

@Waiting4Autumm if she's been watching all his stories he will be able to see that as it shows every account that has viewed them

MrsPerfect12 · 19/08/2024 07:53

How would he know you've been on his page? Are you watching his stories?
Maybe your daughter suggested that he blocks you as she knows what you're like.

Calamitousness · 19/08/2024 07:53

What do I think? I think you’re nuts. I’d block you too. I’d maybe look once and then that’s it. I wouldn’t go back to keep ‘stalking’ the poor guy. If you’ve raised your daughter right, she’ll be able to pick a good one or if not. She’ll learn.

Gelasring · 19/08/2024 07:54

Yeah, that really isn't the obvious mum thing. You need to try a lot harder to tone down your helicopter mum tendancies. He has done nothing wrong.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 19/08/2024 07:55

You’re in the wrong, he’s entitled to stop you riffling through his past posts if he wants to.

The way to get to know him would be to welcome him, talk to him, show support for your DD - and then time will tell. You want her to feels like she can talk to you about any concerns SHE has. Interference from parents rarely helps and can drive secretive behaviour if she feels she has to hide things from you.

GoTigers · 19/08/2024 07:56

Bloody hell. If I were your daughter and discovered you’d been stalking my boyfriends account, I’d be bloody blocking you.

Him being a visitor at your house has no baring on your behaviour and you’re pissed off because he’s got one over on you. Well done him.

Awful attitude from you OP.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 19/08/2024 07:56

You need help! This isn’t normal. I get you want to protect your daughter but she has to be able to make her own mistakes and know that you are there to support her. Right now, you come off as judgey and interfering

Trebol · 19/08/2024 07:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

GrazingSheep · 19/08/2024 07:57

Do you track her phone too ?

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/08/2024 07:58

Your daughter is an adult OP.

She haa almost certainly told him to block you and I don’t blame her.

Honestly I think you need some counselling. This is so far beyond the realm of appropriate behaviour its worrying that you can’t see it.

Original poster
Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

OP posts:
Imtryingnottoworry · 19/08/2024 07:59

I can understand you being concerned about your DD and wanting the best for her.
But stalking her boyfriend on social media to find out about his past sex life actually sounds pervy.
She is an adult and being there for her if she needs you emotionally is your role. Your behaviour actually risks actually driving her away from you.

Muffin101 · 19/08/2024 07:59

It’s a bit wild that you’re talking about a ‘lack of respect’ from é boyfriend towards you while you’re busy trawling through his old photos trying to glean all the information you can about his past life and completely disrespecting your daughter by being so overbearing and controlling.
Chalk this one up as a mistake and let it go. He’s probably done you a favour, you’ll have to stop obsessing now as you won’t be able to!
As for the age gap, it’s a bit something or nothing. Not sure it really counts as an age gap at all really. They’re just young people who enjoy each other’s company.

BeSpoonyAquaHare · 19/08/2024 08:00

I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned about the age gap in their relationship, but what does stalking her boyfriends instagram do except make you look sneaky and untrustworthy? I expect your daughter told him to block you because she knows you’re checking up on her behind her back.

Your daughter is an adult and has to be allowed to make her own mistakes. You can still offer guidance - talk to her about the power imbalance that can occur in relationships with a large age gap and help her understand warning signs to look for her in her own relationship to make sure it’s not exploitative. Make sure she knows you’re always there for her no matter what and that she can always turn to you for help.

But don’t sneak around spying on her and him and thinking that will achieve anything except alienating them both and encouraging her to keep things secret from you.

Beezknees · 19/08/2024 08:00

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

It's nothing to do with you though.

Your DD is an adult, you need to stay out of it.

Saltedbutter · 19/08/2024 08:00

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

No.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/08/2024 08:02

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

I mean I would be vaguely unsettled by it too. But you have to come to terms with the limitations of what you can control.

At this point all you can do is maintain open communication with trust. Hopefully your daughter has good boundaries and self respect. Perfectly legitimate that you raise concerns with her.

Absolutely not legitimate that you are inserting yourself into the situation like this. And likely to be hugely counterproductive.

Lostworlds · 19/08/2024 08:02

It’s a big age gap and I know I’d feel uneasy about my dd dating a 26 year old but stalking his Instagram isn’t the way to do it.
if you followed him and watched his stories then fair em enough but you’ve scrolled through to learn more about him and probably watched his stories and got caught. I imagine he’s probably told your dad already.

Concretejungle1 · 19/08/2024 08:02

I went out with a 26y/o at 18. My very strict parents were actually fine. with it seeing as he was good too me. He was better than blokes my age.

Menora · 19/08/2024 08:05

I think it is how you express your concern that’s the issue here not that you are concerned. It is normal to be concerned about your children but not to push it to these lengths. Your DD isn’t confiding in you for a reason, all you are doing is pushing her away. I have 2 DD’s this age and they know they can come to me without judgment for advice. It’s respect, trust and a good relationship that takes hard work, effort and respecting boundaries all you are doing is peeking in from the edge now making up narratives as your bad behaviour has pushed your DD to not want you to be involved. Don’t blame your DD or her BF for a situation YOU created by being a helicopter parent.

you got what you deserved in all honesty!

CosmicDaisyChain · 19/08/2024 08:06

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

Not really. It isn't that much of an age gap at their ages. She'll be 20 soon. Then you'll look even more unhinged if you're still snooping in her affairs.

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